Wednesday, March 4, 2015

The Right Way to be Consensual Non-Monogamous

            I’ve been studying consensual non-monogamy for five or six year, have lived the life, and coached folk to better consensual non-monogamous relationships. I may study it and be an advocate for it the rest of my life. However, I will never take the title of an expert of consensual non-monogamy or any other aspect of human sexuality.
            There are too many factors that bring us to consensual non-monogamy and too many factors that keep us in non-mog. There are as many ways to live a polyamorous, swinging, monogamish, open, whatever lifestyle as there are ways to be alive. Gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, family culture… all may affect how we live and love within a consensual non-monogamous lifestyle… or not. Many of my clients, some lovers, and I are all guilty of telling someone that they are not doing this right. I have been told by many how I look at consensual non-monogamy isn’t sun-shiney enough. Well, I realized that I am more relationship anarchist than any other type of individual within consensual non-monogamy. In other words, my love affair with consensual non-mog is how it burns away the layers of masks and falsehoods. I like it for the same reasons I love consensual SM. For me seeing the complications of non-monogamy is seeing part of a clearer truth, which excites me. In consensual SM, I explore the dark in me, a truer me. My view is not for everyone nor should it be.

My clients and past lovers may have found consensual non-monogamy as the best way to be bisexual. They may feel as if consensual non-monogamy is more natural way of being. I am not bisexual, and I could care less if consensual non-monogamy is more natural, more ethical, less ethical, less natural…. Consensual non-monogamy refines my personal truth, exposes me and others. With that being said, I know I do not have the answers for every individual who chooses to live a consensual non-monogamous life. I am not sure anyone can say that he or she (or self-identified in some other manner) can give us the answers to live a consensual non-monogamous life coorectly. Those of us, myself included, who have a deep honest desire to serve communities such as the consensual non-monogamous communities, the consensual BDSM communities, the LGBTIQ communities, or any community in the erotic world can only give advice from experience, research, and theory all funneled through personal perspective. From my personal perspective, the only thing we can do to live a “successful” consensual non-monogamous life or any life is be honest with ourselves and others as much as we can about our needs, our changes in self, and our true emotions. Enjoy your consensual non-monogamous life.

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