Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Reflections on Sharing

At one point in my life, I swore that I would never knowingly share a lover with someone else. I suppose if someone had come to me and said, “I just want to have sex with you,” I am sure I could have handled the situation. However, I never got such an explicit offer, maybe some indirect offers, but no direct ones. I never gave my lovers options to share either. I did not know it was even possible.
One of my first swinging experience was with my girlfriend: It was a full-swap sorta thing. I asked the couple we “played with” (fucked) a lot of questions whenever I had the opportunity. In one of my conversations with Steve (not dude’s name), I asked him, “Don’t you get jealous?”

He answered, “When I am with your girlfriend, she is my girlfriend; when you are with my wife, she is your wife.” What da f*#@!? I didn’t get it. That is not how I show it, but in retrospect, his perspective had value. Prior to consensual non-monogamy, I had very strict rules about sharing my body because I felt bodily connections could be just as deep as emotional and mental connections. I still feel that way. However, somehow, I tricked myself into believing that my girlfriend and I weren’t really sharing ourselves when we first started swinging because the sex could be practically anonymous, but playing with a couple and communicating with them more regularly was different. I was sharing, but I still didn’t tell I was myself sharing really.

It really sunk in how much I have shared in consensual non-monogamy when I entered into a polyamorous relationship. I was working out with my girlfriend’s lover, and she started sharing with me how connected she and my girlfriend were. They were in sync she implied: thinking of each other at the same time and thinking similar thoughts at the same time. I listened and felt a little bit out of orbit. I was no longer the sun around which my girlfriend revolved. I was more like one of many moons that revolved around her. I might have been the biggest moon, but I was still a moon. Polyamory was my Nicolaus Copernicus: It gave me a more accurate model of the universe than I held before consensual non-monogamy. I shared her time, her emotions, her body, her needs, her desires, her hopes…. I shared more than I ever intended to share. Conversely, I realized I had always shared her with others. Better yet, I realized none of us own her. I supposed I realized through consensual non-monogamy, nobody owns me either.

Every form of consensual non-monogamy involves sharing to some degree. Of course some forms require 

more sharing than others. You have to find out how you can best share if you have not figured it out already.

Me? I let go of ownership of everything and one, except myself.