At one point in my life, I swore that I would never knowingly share a lover with someone else. I suppose if someone had come to me and said, “I just want to have sex with you,” I am sure I could have handled the situation. However, I never got such an explicit offer, maybe some indirect offers, but no direct ones. I never gave my lovers options to share either. I did not know it was even possible.
One of my first swinging experience was with my girlfriend: It was a full-swap sorta thing. I asked the couple we “played with” (fucked) a lot of questions whenever I had the opportunity. In one of my conversations with Steve (not dude’s name), I asked him, “Don’t you get jealous?”
He answered, “When I am with your girlfriend, she is my girlfriend; when you are with my wife, she is your wife.” What da f*#@!? I didn’t get it. That is not how I show it, but in retrospect, his perspective had value. Prior to consensual non-monogamy, I had very strict rules about sharing my body because I felt bodily connections could be just as deep as emotional and mental connections. I still feel that way. However, somehow, I tricked myself into believing that my girlfriend and I weren’t really sharing ourselves when we first started swinging because the sex could be practically anonymous, but playing with a couple and communicating with them more regularly was different. I was sharing, but I still didn’t tell I was myself sharing really.
It really sunk in how much I have shared in consensual non-monogamy when I entered into a polyamorous relationship. I was working out with my girlfriend’s lover, and she started sharing with me how connected she and my girlfriend were. They were in sync she implied: thinking of each other at the same time and thinking similar thoughts at the same time. I listened and felt a little bit out of orbit. I was no longer the sun around which my girlfriend revolved. I was more like one of many moons that revolved around her. I might have been the biggest moon, but I was still a moon. Polyamory was my Nicolaus Copernicus: It gave me a more accurate model of the universe than I held before consensual non-monogamy. I shared her time, her emotions, her body, her needs, her desires, her hopes…. I shared more than I ever intended to share. Conversely, I realized I had always shared her with others. Better yet, I realized none of us own her. I supposed I realized through consensual non-monogamy, nobody owns me either.
more sharing than others. You have to find out how you can best share if you have not figured it out already.
Me? I let go of ownership of everything and one, except myself.