Friday, April 10, 2015

The Balance between Self-Love and Loving our Lovers

I love to talk and reflect. I had always hoped that by talking and reflecting that I would find the “perfect” balance in my own consensual non-monogamous life and the lives of my clients. However, consensual non-monogamy has taught me regardless of the amount of talking, some lessons can only be learned through experience. Moreover, perfect balance is, generally, a temporary state.
I and many of my clients had to have experiences before we could learn many of the essentials and personal truths of non-monogamy before we could feel “successful” living consensual non-monogamous lives. Embodied knowledge is some of the most powerful knowledge we have, so often we have to have our own experiences before we can empathize with and understand others. While having personal experience may cause frictions and imbalance among lovers, it also presents a certain type of truth. Until we feel the joy and the pain of our consensual non-monogamous life, it is just a fantasy life. It is a life unexamined.
Having more than one love or having the freedom to have sex with others or making friends with benefits all sounds good until we feel the range of consensual non-monogamy in our own flesh, rattling our own feelings. Until those moments come our way, often, no one can warn us or provide us with advice. However, that is how it should be. I say this because our personal truths our just that, our personal truths. Our personal experiences do not always translate into the lives of our lovers. What maked us hurt or laugh or made past lovers hurt and laugh may not have anything to do with our present lovers’ sense of being in their consensual non-monogamy lives.
There is the rub. We try to express and share our knowledge, so our lovers do not make some of the errors we have made, because we love them. On the other hand, our words, often, also stifle our lovers’ freedoms. Our predictions are not the only future possible. Personally, I have also had difficult time saying, “Don’t do this, or don’t do that,” because I was always conscious of the fact that my personal feelings are always mixed into my thoughts. Am being selfish now, or am I seeing the experience more clearly than my lovers? Who knows? Who cares? Does it matter?
I think it does matter. Finding the balance between sharing concerns and allowing our consensual non-monogamous lives to just flow, finding their own heights, may be essential in growing compersion. We certainly do not want our fears to go undressed, denied, and unrecognized; conversely, we do want to give our lovers the freedom to find themselves in their own consensual non-monogamous lives. Most of us aspire to see our lovers happy and satisfied. Growing conpersion may just be growing conscious of the ever-evolving balance between self-love and loving our lovers. Sounds simple, but I suppose… I just wish it were easier for all of us to pull off.

Enjoy you consensual non-monogamous life.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Consensual Non-monogamous Journey: A Heroine's/Hero's Tale

            The first time I stepped into a lifestyle club, I watched a woman who reminded me of an older school teacher walk around giving out blowjobs. That was my introduction to consensual non-monogamy. At the time, I could never imagine a lover of mine doing that. I would not want that to be a part of my relationship. Now, hmmmmm, if I watched my lover giving blowjob after blowjob, I would feel pangs of jealousy, but man, I would be turned-on. She would be getting a spanking because she was so naughty….
            I evolved to such a point. I am still evolving, so are my clients who live consensual non-monogamous lives. They evolve out of consensual non-monogamous lives and/or they move further into the lifestyle, ending up where they never intended. To help me understand my clients and myself better, to not be ashamed of what I had become or angry at lovers for what they had become, I began to visualize a consensual non-monogamous life as a heroine’s or hero’s journey. In every heroic journey, the hero or heroine takes a journey, and the journey must include a time in a hellish darkness. In the darkness, the hero or heroine learns many things about self and humanity. The hero or heroine is changed but continues the journey.
            Therefore, in every consensual non-monogamous relationship, I see I expect the lovers to face darkness together if they had not already. The heroine or hero is a heroine because she learns from her battles in hell. She can continue only because she has changed. Humanity has not changed in her journey. Conversely, she sees it differently because of new knowledge. She can continue. The same is true for consensual non-monogamous lovers. If they expect to live consensual non-monogamous lives, they have to learn and change in the darkness at times. Often times, our instinct tells us that we should not change. However, living requires change as does consensual non-monogamy. Experience and time brings change, whether requested or not. Too, our consensual non-monogamous lives require us to change. We, of course, should not change just for others’ whims or just for the sake of change, but as the lives of our lovers and our own lives change, new actions and reflections are necessary.

            When you began your consensual non-monogamous life, you may not have wanted to see your lover perform multiple blowjobs on various men; on the other hand, if you learn and change as you journey through hell, when you come out on the other side, you may require that she perform multiple blow jobs in front of you. Now I am horny. Enjoy your consensual non-monogamous life.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Exploring the Erotic as a Spiritual Path

Hond on! I know what you are thinking! This guy is about to claim to be some love guru or some other ish. Not true. This particular post is not about me knowing the spiritual path for everyone. It really is about listening to my clients and reflecting on my own experiences with consensual non-monogamy and consensual SM.
            In consensual non-monogamy, I have been constantly working on my attachments: my attachments to the shape (monogamous, poly, etc) of my relationships, my attachment to the type of love my lovers give me, and my attachment to who I want to be in a relationship (primary, booty call, etc.). I have even been dealing with chaos. In other words, I have little control over who my lovers become. Acceptance of that fact has reminded me that I often have little control over many aspects of my life and people in my life. At times, I have a hard time controlling me. As a result of my consensual non-monogamous relationships, I have learned let go of a lot of fear, and I have let go of what others think about me totally. For me, that is a spiritual journey. I have not found happiness, but I am coming much closer to peace, the main goal in my life.
            In consensual SM, I have also learned a lot about control. I have learned that I would much rather date a women who calls herself a slut than who calls herself a lady. This may not sound like a lot to some of you, but I had to learn to how to accept me, the guy who could cum by choking you while I got someone else to fuck you really well. That guy is a surprise to me. That guy is not a nice guy all of the time. That guy is a selfish lover, who wants it how he wants and settles for little less. I don’t like the sound of that I guy. I always thought myself to be a gentleman, who is gentle with women. I am still gentle, but I learned to rewrite my story. As I look back on my life, I never wanted to be purely a gentleman, and I NEVER wanted a lady. I love sub, whores too much. They are gifts to me, and they are the only ones who get to see all of me. I become the sub in many ways because I am totally naked as a dom. I get in touch with the worst in me and accept it to understand it, to love all of me: spiritual.

            I am do not recommend consensual non-monogamy or consensual SM as a spiritual path for others, yet I am suggesting that accepting your sexuality is a larger thing than just sexual acts. It is accepting the complexities of yourself, leading you to accept the complexities in others: Hallelujah! 

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Finding Middle Ground

I have found in my own consensual non-monogamous life and in the consensual non-monogamous lives of my clients’, middle ground is hard to find. However, difficulty in finding middle ground is not particular to consensual non-monogamy. Finding middle ground is hard in most aspects of human life.
          Finding middle ground can be difficult because to find middle ground ALL individuals involved must be willing to let go part of their own story to make room for part of another’s story. In consensual non-monogamy, middle ground is a moving target I believe. I say this because consensual non-monogamy can be very fluid. Each relationship or sexual experience we have with another has the potential to change us, change our story. When individual stories change, the middle changes between individuals.
          Your story, the mixture of your culture, personal emotional experiences, somatic knowledge, and transpersonal experiences, has more meaning and importance to you than anyone else. People who love you bring their own culture, personal emotional experiences, somatic knowledge, and transpersonal experiences to situations. Finding middle ground in consensual non-monogamy means that you understand that your story is not truth. The failure to respect, reflect on, and accept a part of your lovers’ stories is a failure in finding middle ground. As a matter of fact, in my opinion, you may have to suspend your story to actually listen, not hear, but listen to your lovers’ story. Your lovers’ story does not have to be your truth, but it cannot automatically be false either.

          How do we suspend our own stories? Pretend you are absolutely wrong for a moment. Stay there for a minute or two (or three or four or 40). If you are wrong about everything, what about your lovers’ thoughts could be true? What parts of your lovers’ stories make sense considering your lovers’ contexts, their cultures, personal emotional experiences, somatic knowledge, and transpersonal experiences? If you are just finding your voice, finding middle ground may not be the move for you at this moment. You may still not know enough about your own story to listen to anyone else’s. That is ok. We won’t always have the desire, patients, time, and ability to suspend your story. We remain human; we error. That’s ok. Your story IS important. It is just not the truth. Enjoy consensual non-monogamous life.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

The Right Way to be Consensual Non-Monogamous

            I’ve been studying consensual non-monogamy for five or six year, have lived the life, and coached folk to better consensual non-monogamous relationships. I may study it and be an advocate for it the rest of my life. However, I will never take the title of an expert of consensual non-monogamy or any other aspect of human sexuality.
            There are too many factors that bring us to consensual non-monogamy and too many factors that keep us in non-mog. There are as many ways to live a polyamorous, swinging, monogamish, open, whatever lifestyle as there are ways to be alive. Gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, family culture… all may affect how we live and love within a consensual non-monogamous lifestyle… or not. Many of my clients, some lovers, and I are all guilty of telling someone that they are not doing this right. I have been told by many how I look at consensual non-monogamy isn’t sun-shiney enough. Well, I realized that I am more relationship anarchist than any other type of individual within consensual non-monogamy. In other words, my love affair with consensual non-mog is how it burns away the layers of masks and falsehoods. I like it for the same reasons I love consensual SM. For me seeing the complications of non-monogamy is seeing part of a clearer truth, which excites me. In consensual SM, I explore the dark in me, a truer me. My view is not for everyone nor should it be.

My clients and past lovers may have found consensual non-monogamy as the best way to be bisexual. They may feel as if consensual non-monogamy is more natural way of being. I am not bisexual, and I could care less if consensual non-monogamy is more natural, more ethical, less ethical, less natural…. Consensual non-monogamy refines my personal truth, exposes me and others. With that being said, I know I do not have the answers for every individual who chooses to live a consensual non-monogamous life. I am not sure anyone can say that he or she (or self-identified in some other manner) can give us the answers to live a consensual non-monogamous life coorectly. Those of us, myself included, who have a deep honest desire to serve communities such as the consensual non-monogamous communities, the consensual BDSM communities, the LGBTIQ communities, or any community in the erotic world can only give advice from experience, research, and theory all funneled through personal perspective. From my personal perspective, the only thing we can do to live a “successful” consensual non-monogamous life or any life is be honest with ourselves and others as much as we can about our needs, our changes in self, and our true emotions. Enjoy your consensual non-monogamous life.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Reflections on Sharing

At one point in my life, I swore that I would never knowingly share a lover with someone else. I suppose if someone had come to me and said, “I just want to have sex with you,” I am sure I could have handled the situation. However, I never got such an explicit offer, maybe some indirect offers, but no direct ones. I never gave my lovers options to share either. I did not know it was even possible.
One of my first swinging experience was with my girlfriend: It was a full-swap sorta thing. I asked the couple we “played with” (fucked) a lot of questions whenever I had the opportunity. In one of my conversations with Steve (not dude’s name), I asked him, “Don’t you get jealous?”

He answered, “When I am with your girlfriend, she is my girlfriend; when you are with my wife, she is your wife.” What da f*#@!? I didn’t get it. That is not how I show it, but in retrospect, his perspective had value. Prior to consensual non-monogamy, I had very strict rules about sharing my body because I felt bodily connections could be just as deep as emotional and mental connections. I still feel that way. However, somehow, I tricked myself into believing that my girlfriend and I weren’t really sharing ourselves when we first started swinging because the sex could be practically anonymous, but playing with a couple and communicating with them more regularly was different. I was sharing, but I still didn’t tell I was myself sharing really.

It really sunk in how much I have shared in consensual non-monogamy when I entered into a polyamorous relationship. I was working out with my girlfriend’s lover, and she started sharing with me how connected she and my girlfriend were. They were in sync she implied: thinking of each other at the same time and thinking similar thoughts at the same time. I listened and felt a little bit out of orbit. I was no longer the sun around which my girlfriend revolved. I was more like one of many moons that revolved around her. I might have been the biggest moon, but I was still a moon. Polyamory was my Nicolaus Copernicus: It gave me a more accurate model of the universe than I held before consensual non-monogamy. I shared her time, her emotions, her body, her needs, her desires, her hopes…. I shared more than I ever intended to share. Conversely, I realized I had always shared her with others. Better yet, I realized none of us own her. I supposed I realized through consensual non-monogamy, nobody owns me either.

Every form of consensual non-monogamy involves sharing to some degree. Of course some forms require 

more sharing than others. You have to find out how you can best share if you have not figured it out already.

Me? I let go of ownership of everything and one, except myself.