Thursday, March 14, 2013

Our Lovers Are Only Human

Being on the same page with your lover or lover(s) seems to be a fallacy to me.  Well, let me be clearer: the notion that you and lover or lover(s) will be “on the same page” over a lifetime, a year, a month, a day even is, I think, more romantic fiction than reality.  I hope you do take this as being overly pessimistic because in actuality, for I am lover of life.  I wouldn’t’ dedicate my life to the service of others if lived in a pessimistic world.  Additionally, I would not have become a sex coach; being life/sex coach means (theoretically) that we (coaches) have the belief that individuals can improve their own performance and lives. 

I believe in humans.  However, I do think we need not expect the world to be filled with roses either.  There is no connection that is formed by humans that reaches the level of perfection, especially connects between humans. 

            Whether you are in a sensual, satisfying monogamous relationship or a satisfying consensual non-monogamous one, regardless of sexual orientation, you will not be able to see eye-to-eye on all aspects of life.  Life is too multifaceted to expect our loved ones to agree with or understand all the ideas we have and the decisions we make.  Believing your lover should just “understand” you has probably hurt more relationships of yours than you care to admit.  Do not feel bad.  You are not alone.

            The thought of meeting a lover or lovers that just understand you is very intoxicating.  Can you image how much energy you could save not having to explain who you are another human being?  Can you imagine all the needs you have getting met without having to ask for help or take a risk?  Long-term partnership, love, intimacy, and good sex without expending a lot of energy and taking a lot of risk.  Sign me up.

            Part of my job as a sex coach is not to judge your adult, sexual, legal lifestyle, but it is also my job to help you see your life from as many angles as possible, so you may grow and see past some possible blind spots in you may have in your life.  Many folk become blind when they hold on to the romantic premise that someone is just going to know them through it all.

            My personal sexual practices and desires have changed tremendously since I had my first sexual experiences.  My philosophies have evolved.  My morals have altered.  My sense of right and wrong is no longer black and white.  I have faith that I have not compromised who I am.  I believe that I have grown to accept humankind as beautiful and ugly, as being a combination of truly unique individuals.  Each one of us may meet a friend, colleague, lover who truly seems “to get” us.  They just might, but we can only be in sync for a moment because each one of us is destined to experience the world as individuals as well as part of relationships and society.  We are bound to our own flesh, bound to our own interpretations of truth and falsehood.

            Seeing the world differently in itself is not important, but when we meet resistance in areas that are truly important to us or by people who are truly close to us, the overwhelming isolation, at times, can be unbearable.  The isolation of feeling alone or misunderstood or wrong enrages us because most humans wish for understanding, to be understood as if their lives depended on it.

            The hardest part of coaching others in the areas of love is helping people heal from the moments when they leaned on expectations, communicated or not, and they were not met.  Sometimes communicated expectations are ignored, but most likely, our expectations are not met because our lover does not have or may no longer have the ability to meet them.  The pain that follows is human and justified; however, the paradox of being human is that being justified does not change a thing.  Being “right” does get your needs met.  Wanting to be understood is wanting something that we will never receive from other human beings 100% of the time.

            Let me ask you, how would your life change if you reflected on the fact that your lovers are only human, even if you believe that they are sent to you by divine intervention?  Upon my own reflections, I came up with many insights: the following are just a few:

1.      I can’t cast the first stone

2.      My lover will evolve.

3.      Sometimes, I will be alone.

I can’t cast the first stone

Can I cast the first stone at my lover for her metaphorical sins?  I do not think I can.  If I throw the first stone, have I reflected on my own “sins”?  Probably not.  Relationships can become physically and mentally abusive.  Such relationships need to end.  The rest of us may need to reflect on our humanness before we open our mouths to disparage our lovers.

Have you meet all of your lovers’ expectations?  Have you pushed aside your lovers’ thoughts or needs because you did not understand them or agree with them or had the time/energy to deal with them?  Of course you have, sometimes your own needs, the needs of your work, the needs of your kids superseded your lovers’.  Personally, I have no problem with you not being able to meet your lovers’ every expectation.  On the other hand, I ask you to do some reflection BEFORE you come to your lover, accusing them of failing you.

My lover will evolve

I am a different man since I experienced non-monogamy once in my life.  I am a different man since the birth of my children.  I am a different man since I married.  The death my mother changed me.  My education altered me.  Growing older…  Changing my profession….  Doesn’t life alter us, mold us?  Even the rigid stone turns smooth by the ebb and flow of the sea.  Nothing on the planet stays the same.  The lover you met last year may not be the same person.  Are you the same person?

            Allowing our lovers to change and grow is synonymous to accepting their humanness.  I do not mean to say that you should accept every possible change; however, understand that your lover is in the same boat.  She or he does not have to accept every change that occurs in your life.  Our lovers have the right to accept change, ask for compromise, or walk away from the relationship. 

Sometimes I will be alone

You will be alone at times, even when you are in a relationships or have good friends.  There are going to be times in life when your decisions and actions are just going to have to be your own because the people closest to you can’t relate.  They are bound to their own flesh as you are.  They have to follow their own visions of the world just as you do.

            When the moments come when you want to follow a vision that is only yours, be encouraged that you will not always be alone.  Additionally, be encouraged that our personal visions often lead to beautiful new experiences.  

             Give your lover and yourself the opportunity to be human.  Knowing that you love humans beings, imperfect humans my help you to forgive and move on when your lovers do not meet expectations.  Check out my new blog radio show (See above):
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