My sex coaching practice is grounded in evidence-based coaching methods and creativity theory. I use creativity theory and exercises to promote erotic creativity as well as to improve my practice and the lives of my clients (as well as my own). The erotic world is a swirling mass of creative energy. Sex is the most creative act humans can perform in my opinion. Additionally, the best sex occurs when we unfetter our unconscious and conscious minds to explore our whole being and the entire beings of our lovers. We free ourselves to be creative, to answer the question, “Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if I stuck my tongue there? OR “If I put ice cubes in my mouth and…”
To be creative in life and as a lover you must be willing to do a few things:
1. You have to be willing to be first.
2. You have to be willing to be rejected.
3. You have to be in-touch with your deep desires.
4. You have to let your lover(s) explore.
You have to be willing to be first.
Most creativity researchers’ define creativity in terms of novelty. In other words, creative ideas are new ideas. Creative produces are ones that are new to society. As for as the erotic goes, you are not being creative in bed if you are not trying anything new.
What have you done differently in bed in the last week? Month? Year? 5 years? If you reflect on your erotic world and you realize that you haven’t tried anything new in some time, stop blaming you lover(s) for a “boring” sex life. Take responsibility of your own enjoyment. Suck on something new. Dress up. Have sex in a new location. Add toys. Try a different way to lubricate. Be rougher or gentler. Pierce something. Use parts of body sexually that you never associated with sex. Add food. Add new scents or tastes to your erotic world. Add ropes and paddles. Add a lover. Subtract a lover. Try a different role. Try a new position. Try a new hole. Try something new!
Even if you do not have a lover, you can fantasize and masturbate to your new ideas about sex. Let your mind go places that you were a little afraid to explore. Explore your body. Take your time. Slow down your orgasm. Speed up your orgasm. Have an orgasm. Read erotica. Have a one-night stand (safer sex of course). Being single means you have the freedom to really figure out what you like. Be selfish.
Most importantly, do not wait for someone else to bring creativity to you.
You have to be willing to be rejected.
“What the f@%# do you want to do? You want to stick that where? Who are those anal beads for?” Your lover does not have to like what you like or see what you see! They (she or he) may reject you. Try not to take it personally. Your lover is not rejecting you if he or she does not want to bring a strap-on to bed with you both.
Just so you know, regardless of the domain, most creative ideas and people are rejected at first. Creativity researchers define creative products as not only unique or new, but also as appropriate. In other words, to bring creativity to your bed, you not only have to try new things, but you also have to bring acts that are appropriate for you and your lover(s). There is no way that I know of that will guarantee you will always bring “appropriate” acts to the bed. The standard is subjective: what is appropriate to you may not be appropriate to your lover.
To bring appropriate and new eroticism to your erotic your world, you must be reflective. Here I do not necessarily mean reflect on you own desires: you must be reflective about your lover’s needs. What does your lover want? Are he, she, or they adventurous? What do you know about their sexual dreams and fantasies? Can you fulfill any part of those fantasies? When is your lover the most creative and daring sexually?
You also have to be patient because our erotic selves do evolve. What is inappropriate today may be necessary tomorrow. Your lover may hear an erotic suggestion and need to ease into the actual act. All of us cannot just jump into the pool. Some of us like slowing walk into the surf.
You have to be in-touch with your deep desires.
Being in-touch with your deep desires means that you are willing to reflect on both the light and dark sides of your being. Does love, intimacy, feeling safe, and trust spark your erotic creativity? For some of my clients, love and trust and safety provide an environment in which anything is possible. Reflect on the sexual creativity that you can bring to your encounters when you feel safe. What things are willing to try when you trust your lover?
On the other hand, “dark” emotions like jealousy, anger, shame and exhilaration from danger are fertile grounds for finding creative sexual too. For example, acts such as practicing non-monogamy, spanking, tickling, bondage, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, cuckoldry and sexual fetishism stretch individuals’ limitations and can heighten sexual pleasure. Are you turned by the taboo of doing things that society does not promote?
As you know, I do not promote forcing others into our selfish sexual practices, and I abhor those who take advantage of the youth. Therefore, for me and my clients, looking into our dark emotions means finding creative eroticism in our dark sides and using what we find with consenting adults. There are plenty of possible lovers who want to share your darker emotions.
You have to let your lover(s) explore.
To be creative, you may have to let your lover lead at times. Don’t be scared of your lover’s imagination. Know your limits, but be willing to explore.
When I began my sexually active life, I met a young lady who was much more experienced than I (which was NOT hard to accomplish at that time). I think I was about sixteen and she, 19 or so. She shared with me the naughty stuff that she had already done: She had been in threesomes; she had tried double penetration; she had done things that I had only heard about or seen in porn. Needless to say, she scared the crap outta me.
Our little “relationship” was very brief. I was afraid to explore with her. One night, while in a friend’s basement, she pulled me close to her and said she wanted me. At that age, I wouldn’t dare turn down sex even if I did not feel comfortable: I couldn’t guarantee the opportunity would come up again. She shimmed down her jeans and panties and lay back on a couch. She spread her legs and directed me to lick it.
“Lick what?” I thought. “I am pretty sure she pees with that.” This was a time period when hairy genitals were in style too, so I lapped passively at the coochie, not daring to traverse the forest. I may have given it a peck. Now I like to bring my bib to eat coochie… now, but then I was afraid to let someone else teach me and add creativity to what I already did. Now I can follow, and I will try almost anything once, for I can accept someone else’s creative flow. I do not have to control everything that goes on in the bed, or on the floor, or in the car.... You know what I sayin.
Finding our creative selves can truly stimulate your entire life. Just imagine you use these suggestions in other parts of your life. Imagine going first and not being afraid of rejection on your job. Imagine not being afraid to follow others, and imagine following your deepest desires. Would you be more creative? How would your life change? I suspect your life just might change for the better.
I am honored to serve you,
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