Thursday, March 21, 2013

Transitioning to Consensual Non-Monogamy

Lately, I have watched a lot of relationships end: homosexual and heterosexual; monogamous and non-monogamous.  All types of relationships seem to be coming to an end.   Moreover, many single folk are going through difficult transitions.  If I studied astrology, then I may find that the stars are lined up in a way that it is promoting change.  There may be some unrest in the spiritual world.  I do not know.  My sex coaching foundation is based in theories concerning creativity, self-actualization, adult education, and creative transformation.  My view of the world is usually tempered by my foundations.  Thus, I feel creative transformation is a part of human reality.  I am comfortable with relationships ending and people changing.  What I do worry about is when we, for whatever reason, cannot dream or imagine a better reality or a stronger self at the end of our transitions.  Through our transitions, we will experience pain, joy, worry, shame, pride, fear, and ecstasy.  It is just what it is.

            I have witnessed and experienced transitions from monogamy and to non-monogamy, such a transition, I believe, magnifies the various types of transitions we go through in life, regardless of the type of erotic lives we lead. 
How Do Our Transitions Start?
In our transitions, something big happens.  We get fired.  A death occurs.  We come out.  We have a vision for a new way of being.  We graduate.  We start or stop doing drugs.  Something happens.  Those who move to consensual non-monogamy, experience or envision a new way of being that goes against many things: society’s perceptions, upbringing, gender and racial “norms”….  Making transitions that go against many of the ways you once lived your life is not particular to consensual non-monogamy.   The nature of transitions is to move away from what is known to something new.

            The conflict between how we once perceived the world and how we now see the world as a result of some lesson is the beginning of transition.  No one escapes that part of change.  The conflict is not to bring you pain.  The conflict is what makes you move on to a new world.
Why Does the Transition from Monogamy to Consensual-Non-Monogamy Hurt or Feel Very Complicated?

All transitions involve complications.  In the act of moving from reality to another, we have to envision what rules, morals, ways of being, behaviors, and thoughts are no longer appropriate.  Have you ever had to adjust to a new job or boss?  Have you ever “kinda” compared a past relationship to a new one?  Do you remember how some of the things you did with or for your past boss were expected and appreciated; then your new boss changed a lot of the duties you use to hold?  Some of the duties you are happy to get rid of while other duties you enjoyed, you did well, and you miss. 

You may get a similar experience when you have a new lover.  How you did oral sex was perfect.  You had it down to a science.  Then, when you started to perform oral sex with your new lover, he or she was like, “What the f@#K?”  Our first reaction may be to go backwards.  We may seek to find a new job or reconnect with the old lover.  Many of us would rather have old familiarity, even it was bad for us, than go through the pain and uncertainty of change.

Consensual non-monogamy (or any change in our erotic world) is a change that will touch EVERY aspect of our being.  We are confronted by demons in our change.  We face past abuse, childhood hurts, unspoken fears, spiritual confusion to opening up….  We face vulnerability and exposure.  There is no “correct” way of navigating transitions, so expect your lover to transition differently than you do, in a different way, with a different pace.

Creativity and Self Actualization in Consensual Non-Monogamy
In our erotic transitions (in all of our transitions), incorporating creativity is a must and greater self-actualization is a goal.   Taking the time to imagine and reflect is at the heart of my assertion.  In other words, I believe we use our dreams and imagination to form creative solutions to our problems tduring our transitions, and we reflect to continuously improve as human beings.

Take a moment to dream and to imagine what your life will be in a non-monogamous relationship or your new reality.  What will you love about the change?  What will you need to watch out for?  What feeling will you have that “tell” you that you’re in the right situation?  How will you have to be different to be a good member of a non-monogamous relationship?  Use your imagination to answer these questions?  Use your imagination to answer in unexpected ways, ways which push you and challenge you. 

Reflection is the key to improving and becoming the best you can be.  To successfully move form monogamy, you may want to reflect on the effects past relationships have on your present behavior.  You want to reflect on how you treated your lover on occasions when your feelings clouded the discussions you made and the manner in which you spoke.  You may want to reflect on moments when you should have listened more and talked less or when you should have apologized instead of been defensive.  Reflect on how your body feels when you exhibit your worst behavior so that you can take your body’s clues on when it is a bad time to discuss challenging info.  For example, when I am about to lose control, I can feel the tension in my chest and neck grow.  The tension grows as my voice becomes angrier.  Now, I try (not always successful) to stop talking when I feel the tension in my body growing because I know my body is telling me that I am not ready for the conversation or transition.

Transitions from Monogamy
Our erotic transitions are transitions that are magnified because they touch our whole being as I stated earlier.  Our transitions from monogamy, in my opinion, can be a metaphor for our transitions from accepting only one part of ourselves to accepting our whole being.  Having sex with or caring for more than one lover is an opening up.  To expose ourselves to more people is exposing ourselves to greater possible rejection.  The act is also opening up ourselves to more possibile opportunities to feel passion, caring, and new ways of knowing.

            Moving to consensual non-monogamy is really not that different from all the transitions that come our way.  The coming of some of our transitions are out of our control.  The transition to non-monogamy is a choice we make.  It may be a necessary choice for some of us, but we choose to act out non-monogamy.  The transition will not be successful for many people.  Those of us who make successful transitions to non-monogamy will not always be on a rose-scented, well-worn path.  Actually, you probably will be blazing a trail that very few people will go or want to follow.  Use creativity and self-reflection to deal with the reality of the transitions you take.  Relying on pure fantasy is creative, but without reflection, you most likely will be hurting yourself and those around you.  In my personally designed coaching sessions, we will use creativity and reflection to enjoy and move successfully through many of your most difficult life transitions.  I believe in you.
Your Sevant,
Dr. Nwachi Tafari,
Director of the Consensual Non-Monogamy Community, Inc.

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Thursday, March 14, 2013

Our Lovers Are Only Human

Being on the same page with your lover or lover(s) seems to be a fallacy to me.  Well, let me be clearer: the notion that you and lover or lover(s) will be “on the same page” over a lifetime, a year, a month, a day even is, I think, more romantic fiction than reality.  I hope you do take this as being overly pessimistic because in actuality, for I am lover of life.  I wouldn’t’ dedicate my life to the service of others if lived in a pessimistic world.  Additionally, I would not have become a sex coach; being life/sex coach means (theoretically) that we (coaches) have the belief that individuals can improve their own performance and lives. 

I believe in humans.  However, I do think we need not expect the world to be filled with roses either.  There is no connection that is formed by humans that reaches the level of perfection, especially connects between humans. 

            Whether you are in a sensual, satisfying monogamous relationship or a satisfying consensual non-monogamous one, regardless of sexual orientation, you will not be able to see eye-to-eye on all aspects of life.  Life is too multifaceted to expect our loved ones to agree with or understand all the ideas we have and the decisions we make.  Believing your lover should just “understand” you has probably hurt more relationships of yours than you care to admit.  Do not feel bad.  You are not alone.

            The thought of meeting a lover or lovers that just understand you is very intoxicating.  Can you image how much energy you could save not having to explain who you are another human being?  Can you imagine all the needs you have getting met without having to ask for help or take a risk?  Long-term partnership, love, intimacy, and good sex without expending a lot of energy and taking a lot of risk.  Sign me up.

            Part of my job as a sex coach is not to judge your adult, sexual, legal lifestyle, but it is also my job to help you see your life from as many angles as possible, so you may grow and see past some possible blind spots in you may have in your life.  Many folk become blind when they hold on to the romantic premise that someone is just going to know them through it all.

            My personal sexual practices and desires have changed tremendously since I had my first sexual experiences.  My philosophies have evolved.  My morals have altered.  My sense of right and wrong is no longer black and white.  I have faith that I have not compromised who I am.  I believe that I have grown to accept humankind as beautiful and ugly, as being a combination of truly unique individuals.  Each one of us may meet a friend, colleague, lover who truly seems “to get” us.  They just might, but we can only be in sync for a moment because each one of us is destined to experience the world as individuals as well as part of relationships and society.  We are bound to our own flesh, bound to our own interpretations of truth and falsehood.

            Seeing the world differently in itself is not important, but when we meet resistance in areas that are truly important to us or by people who are truly close to us, the overwhelming isolation, at times, can be unbearable.  The isolation of feeling alone or misunderstood or wrong enrages us because most humans wish for understanding, to be understood as if their lives depended on it.

            The hardest part of coaching others in the areas of love is helping people heal from the moments when they leaned on expectations, communicated or not, and they were not met.  Sometimes communicated expectations are ignored, but most likely, our expectations are not met because our lover does not have or may no longer have the ability to meet them.  The pain that follows is human and justified; however, the paradox of being human is that being justified does not change a thing.  Being “right” does get your needs met.  Wanting to be understood is wanting something that we will never receive from other human beings 100% of the time.

            Let me ask you, how would your life change if you reflected on the fact that your lovers are only human, even if you believe that they are sent to you by divine intervention?  Upon my own reflections, I came up with many insights: the following are just a few:

1.      I can’t cast the first stone

2.      My lover will evolve.

3.      Sometimes, I will be alone.

I can’t cast the first stone

Can I cast the first stone at my lover for her metaphorical sins?  I do not think I can.  If I throw the first stone, have I reflected on my own “sins”?  Probably not.  Relationships can become physically and mentally abusive.  Such relationships need to end.  The rest of us may need to reflect on our humanness before we open our mouths to disparage our lovers.

Have you meet all of your lovers’ expectations?  Have you pushed aside your lovers’ thoughts or needs because you did not understand them or agree with them or had the time/energy to deal with them?  Of course you have, sometimes your own needs, the needs of your work, the needs of your kids superseded your lovers’.  Personally, I have no problem with you not being able to meet your lovers’ every expectation.  On the other hand, I ask you to do some reflection BEFORE you come to your lover, accusing them of failing you.

My lover will evolve

I am a different man since I experienced non-monogamy once in my life.  I am a different man since the birth of my children.  I am a different man since I married.  The death my mother changed me.  My education altered me.  Growing older…  Changing my profession….  Doesn’t life alter us, mold us?  Even the rigid stone turns smooth by the ebb and flow of the sea.  Nothing on the planet stays the same.  The lover you met last year may not be the same person.  Are you the same person?

            Allowing our lovers to change and grow is synonymous to accepting their humanness.  I do not mean to say that you should accept every possible change; however, understand that your lover is in the same boat.  She or he does not have to accept every change that occurs in your life.  Our lovers have the right to accept change, ask for compromise, or walk away from the relationship. 

Sometimes I will be alone

You will be alone at times, even when you are in a relationships or have good friends.  There are going to be times in life when your decisions and actions are just going to have to be your own because the people closest to you can’t relate.  They are bound to their own flesh as you are.  They have to follow their own visions of the world just as you do.

            When the moments come when you want to follow a vision that is only yours, be encouraged that you will not always be alone.  Additionally, be encouraged that our personal visions often lead to beautiful new experiences.  

             Give your lover and yourself the opportunity to be human.  Knowing that you love humans beings, imperfect humans my help you to forgive and move on when your lovers do not meet expectations.  Check out my new blog radio show (See above):
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Friday, March 8, 2013

Creativity and the Erotic: Suggestions on Being More Creative in Bed and in Life

My sex coaching practice is grounded in evidence-based coaching methods and creativity theory.  I use creativity theory and exercises to promote erotic creativity as well as to improve my practice and the lives of my clients (as well as my own).   The erotic world is a swirling mass of creative energy.  Sex is the most creative act humans can perform in my opinion.  Additionally, the best sex occurs when we unfetter our unconscious and conscious minds to explore our whole being and the entire beings of our lovers.  We free ourselves to be creative, to answer the question, “Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if I stuck my tongue there? OR “If I put ice cubes in my mouth and…” 

            To be creative in life and as a lover you must be willing to do a few things:

1.      You have to be willing to be first.

2.      You have to be willing to be rejected.

3.      You have to be in-touch with your deep desires.

4.      You have to let your lover(s) explore.


You have to be willing to be first.

Most creativity researchers’ define creativity in terms of novelty.  In other words, creative ideas are new ideas.  Creative produces are ones that are new to society.  As for as the erotic goes, you are not being creative in bed if you are not trying anything new. 

What have you done differently in bed in the last week?  Month? Year? 5 years?  If you reflect on your erotic world and you realize that you haven’t tried anything new in some time, stop blaming you lover(s) for a “boring” sex life.  Take responsibility of your own enjoyment.  Suck on something new.  Dress up.  Have sex in a new location.  Add toys.  Try a different way to lubricate.  Be rougher or gentler.  Pierce something.  Use parts of body sexually that you never associated with sex.  Add food.  Add new scents or tastes to your erotic world.  Add ropes and paddles.  Add a lover.  Subtract a lover.  Try a different role.  Try a new position.  Try a new hole.  Try something new!

Even if you do not have a lover, you can fantasize and masturbate to your new ideas about sex.  Let your mind go places that you were a little afraid to explore. Explore your body.  Take your time.  Slow down your orgasm.  Speed up your orgasm.  Have an orgasm.  Read erotica.  Have a one-night stand (safer sex of course).  Being single means you have the freedom to really figure out what you like.  Be selfish.

Most importantly, do not wait for someone else to bring creativity to you.

You have to be willing to be rejected.

“What the f@%# do you want to do?  You want to stick that where?  Who are those anal beads for?”  Your lover does not have to like what you like or see what you see!  They (she or he) may reject you.  Try not to take it personally.  Your lover is not rejecting you if he or she does not want to bring a strap-on to bed with you both. 

Just so you know, regardless of the domain, most creative ideas and people are rejected at first.  Creativity researchers define creative products as not only unique or new, but also as appropriate.  In other words, to bring creativity to your bed, you not only have to try new things, but you also have to bring acts that are appropriate for you and your lover(s).  There is no way that I know of that will guarantee you will always bring “appropriate” acts to the bed.  The standard is subjective: what is appropriate to you may not be appropriate to your lover. 

            To bring appropriate and new eroticism to your erotic your world, you must be reflective.  Here I do not necessarily mean reflect on you own desires: you must be reflective about your lover’s needs.  What does your lover want?  Are he, she, or they adventurous?  What do you know about their sexual dreams and fantasies?  Can you fulfill any part of those fantasies?  When is your lover the most creative and daring sexually?

            You also have to be patient because our erotic selves do evolve.  What is inappropriate today may be necessary tomorrow.  Your lover may hear an erotic suggestion and need to ease into the actual act.  All of us cannot just jump into the pool.  Some of us like slowing walk into the surf.

You have to be in-touch with your deep desires.

Being in-touch with your deep desires means that you are willing to reflect on both the light and dark sides of your being.  Does love, intimacy, feeling safe, and trust spark your erotic creativity?    For some of my clients, love and trust and safety provide an environment in which anything is possible.  Reflect on the sexual creativity that you can bring to your encounters when you feel safe.  What things are willing to try when you trust your lover?

On the other hand, “dark” emotions like jealousy, anger, shame and exhilaration from danger are fertile grounds for finding creative sexual too.  For example, acts such as practicing non-monogamy, spanking, tickling, bondage, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, cuckoldry and sexual fetishism stretch individuals’ limitations and can heighten sexual pleasure.  Are you turned by the taboo of doing things that society does not promote?

As you know, I do not promote forcing others into our selfish sexual practices, and I abhor those who take advantage of the youth.  Therefore, for me and my clients, looking into our dark emotions means finding creative eroticism in our dark sides and using what we find with consenting adults.  There are plenty of possible lovers who want to share your darker emotions.

You have to let your lover(s) explore.

To be creative, you may have to let your lover lead at times.  Don’t be scared of your lover’s imagination.  Know your limits, but be willing to explore.

            When I began my sexually active life, I met a young lady who was much more experienced than I (which was NOT hard to accomplish at that time).  I think I was about sixteen and she, 19 or so.  She shared with me the naughty stuff that she had already done:  She had been in threesomes; she had tried double penetration; she had done things that I had only heard about or seen in porn.  Needless to say, she scared the crap outta me.

            Our little “relationship” was very brief.  I was afraid to explore with her.  One night, while in a friend’s basement, she pulled me close to her and said she wanted me.  At that age, I wouldn’t dare turn down sex even if I did not feel comfortable: I couldn’t guarantee the opportunity would come up again.  She shimmed down her jeans and panties and lay back on a couch.  She spread her legs and directed me to lick it.

            “Lick what?” I thought.  “I am pretty sure she pees with that.”  This was a time period when hairy genitals were in style too, so I lapped passively at the coochie, not daring to traverse the forest.  I may have given it a peck.  Now I like to bring my bib to eat coochie… now, but then I was afraid to let someone else teach me and add creativity to what I already did.  Now I can follow, and I will try almost anything once, for I can accept someone else’s creative flow.  I do not have to control everything that goes on in the bed, or on the floor, or in the car....  You know what I sayin.

            Finding our creative selves can truly stimulate your entire life.  Just imagine you use these suggestions in other parts of your life.  Imagine going first and not being afraid of rejection on your job.  Imagine not being afraid to follow others, and imagine following your deepest desires.  Would you be more creative?  How would your life change?    I suspect your life just might change for the better.


I am honored to serve you,


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