Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Sexual Freedom and Responsibility

What is the first step to erotic freedom?  Hmmmm.  There are many steps: gaining self-esteem, knowing your body, communicating your desires…. 

I cannot say that I have all of the answers, but I do know that when I work with clients, speak to groups, or reflect on my own erotic world I emphasize taking responsibility.  Freedom and responsibility almost sound like contradictory terms.  Many of us envision freedom as being responsible to no one.  I myself yearn to be unchained from all fetters at times.  I think all humans in the modern Western world dream of giving up all responsibility at some point in their lives.  On the other hand, my experience and research points to the intersection of freedom and responsibility in the most successful erotic lives.

            Responsibility and freedom are only important if you live among and interact with others.  In other words, if you live in a cave by yourself with not contact with the outside world, there is no one to oppress you.  Moreover, your freedoms will harm no one else as you exercise them.  Touch yourself all you want.  However the rest of us must realize that our freedoms come at a cost.    Our sexual freedoms often require others to be a part of our pleasure.

            If you are part of a couple, triad, quad… whatever, your sexual dreams and fantasies can easily take your lovers out of their comfort zones.  Some of the things you want to explore may be oppressive to your lovers or against their values or contrary to their desires….  We are still free to explore our sexual desires, yet what do we owe to our lovers’ well-being.     The erotic world, in my opinion, is not something to take lightly.  Not many things in our lives have the power to affect our physical, mental, spiritual selves as does the erotic world.  Being irresponsible with someone else’s erotic world can cause years of damage.

            When I have witnessed people or clients lose hope, they have usually lost love or have had a troubling relationship.  Of course there are other ways to feel great pain, but loving others, caring for others, and sharing ourselves in an erotic fashion leaves us very vulnerable.  We expose our bodies, our nasty thoughts; we may even try new things that we have never experienced in our lives.

            Our sexual freedom calls for responsibility because our lover(s) expose themselves to us literally and figuratively.  The more time we spend with a particular lover, the more we expose to each other, whether we mean to or not.  The fear of overexposure is one of the main reasons we distance ourselves from our lovers.  We can feel the places in our being that are tender and have very little protection, and we protect them by hiding those bare places.  Whether you have a monogamous or consensual non-monogamous relationship, I hope you temper your freedoms with responsibility.  How do we do that?


Be Honest-I know no one who is honest 100% of the time; however, if you make lying a major part of you erotic world, you have taken your lover(s) ability to make informed decisions about his or her (or their) life.  Moreover, you prove yourself to be a coward, afraid to face the real emotions of you lover(s).


Leave Baggage Behind-Baggage distorts our realities.  In other words, when we exercise sexual freedom while still holding on to pain from the past, we can unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) hurt others.  We make the new people in our lives pay for the actions of others.  We are looking for revenge, not erotic freedom.


Practice Safer Sex-This one is particularly important if you have more than one lover.  Allow your lover as safe of an erotic environment as you can.  Talk about safer sex, so you can agree on the risks you are both willing to take together.


Understand and communicate safe words-If you and your lover practice rough sex, know each other’s limits and safe words.    Passing someone’s pain threshold without permission is irresponsible and could be very dangerous.


Always have consensual sex-Do I need to explain this one.  For every kinky, playful, nasty, dirty uninhibited sexual act (I am getting hot now.) you may desire, there is someone who likes that same Sugar Honey Iced Tea (Shit for new readers).  Do not exercise your freedom by forcing slavery and oppression on another.


Above is just a very small sample of ways to exercise your freedom while being responsible.  This balancing act can be tricky, but it is worth the effort.   I am grateful that you allow me to take this journey with you.

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Empress said...

I enjoyed this blog! Thanks for blessing us with your words!

Dr. T. said...

Empress, I truly appreciate your support.