Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Sexual Freedom and Responsibility

What is the first step to erotic freedom?  Hmmmm.  There are many steps: gaining self-esteem, knowing your body, communicating your desires…. 

I cannot say that I have all of the answers, but I do know that when I work with clients, speak to groups, or reflect on my own erotic world I emphasize taking responsibility.  Freedom and responsibility almost sound like contradictory terms.  Many of us envision freedom as being responsible to no one.  I myself yearn to be unchained from all fetters at times.  I think all humans in the modern Western world dream of giving up all responsibility at some point in their lives.  On the other hand, my experience and research points to the intersection of freedom and responsibility in the most successful erotic lives.

            Responsibility and freedom are only important if you live among and interact with others.  In other words, if you live in a cave by yourself with not contact with the outside world, there is no one to oppress you.  Moreover, your freedoms will harm no one else as you exercise them.  Touch yourself all you want.  However the rest of us must realize that our freedoms come at a cost.    Our sexual freedoms often require others to be a part of our pleasure.

            If you are part of a couple, triad, quad… whatever, your sexual dreams and fantasies can easily take your lovers out of their comfort zones.  Some of the things you want to explore may be oppressive to your lovers or against their values or contrary to their desires….  We are still free to explore our sexual desires, yet what do we owe to our lovers’ well-being.     The erotic world, in my opinion, is not something to take lightly.  Not many things in our lives have the power to affect our physical, mental, spiritual selves as does the erotic world.  Being irresponsible with someone else’s erotic world can cause years of damage.

            When I have witnessed people or clients lose hope, they have usually lost love or have had a troubling relationship.  Of course there are other ways to feel great pain, but loving others, caring for others, and sharing ourselves in an erotic fashion leaves us very vulnerable.  We expose our bodies, our nasty thoughts; we may even try new things that we have never experienced in our lives.

            Our sexual freedom calls for responsibility because our lover(s) expose themselves to us literally and figuratively.  The more time we spend with a particular lover, the more we expose to each other, whether we mean to or not.  The fear of overexposure is one of the main reasons we distance ourselves from our lovers.  We can feel the places in our being that are tender and have very little protection, and we protect them by hiding those bare places.  Whether you have a monogamous or consensual non-monogamous relationship, I hope you temper your freedoms with responsibility.  How do we do that?


Be Honest-I know no one who is honest 100% of the time; however, if you make lying a major part of you erotic world, you have taken your lover(s) ability to make informed decisions about his or her (or their) life.  Moreover, you prove yourself to be a coward, afraid to face the real emotions of you lover(s).


Leave Baggage Behind-Baggage distorts our realities.  In other words, when we exercise sexual freedom while still holding on to pain from the past, we can unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) hurt others.  We make the new people in our lives pay for the actions of others.  We are looking for revenge, not erotic freedom.


Practice Safer Sex-This one is particularly important if you have more than one lover.  Allow your lover as safe of an erotic environment as you can.  Talk about safer sex, so you can agree on the risks you are both willing to take together.


Understand and communicate safe words-If you and your lover practice rough sex, know each other’s limits and safe words.    Passing someone’s pain threshold without permission is irresponsible and could be very dangerous.


Always have consensual sex-Do I need to explain this one.  For every kinky, playful, nasty, dirty uninhibited sexual act (I am getting hot now.) you may desire, there is someone who likes that same Sugar Honey Iced Tea (Shit for new readers).  Do not exercise your freedom by forcing slavery and oppression on another.


Above is just a very small sample of ways to exercise your freedom while being responsible.  This balancing act can be tricky, but it is worth the effort.   I am grateful that you allow me to take this journey with you.

Check out my new blog radio show (See above):http://www.blogtalkradio.com/drtsexcoach

I am honored to serve you,
Call me or email me for a FREE session and more information:

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The New Erotic Year

Dear Peacocks,

The New Year is labeled a time of change by many people in America and around the world. We make resolutions to drink less, lose weight, have more fun, worry less.... Some of us actually work towards change; many more of us find change much too difficult to maintain. We find it safer to return to ways and habits that we learned in life, even if these habits no longer make sense or work for us anymore.

This year, 2013 is a year of change and acceptance for me. I accept my role as a healer. I accept my desire to use the erotic world and creativity to improve others’ lives and my own. Lastly, I accept the fact that my research is for people who are underrepresented because of their erotic worlds and/or desires. I accept being sex positive. I accept the challenge of being a sex coach and improving the practice. I accept the fact that I have explored self through the erotic world, and I am sure that I will continue using the erotic to learn more about me and the world.

This acceptance has been coming along for a long time, but I think that my acceptance of me (as is) has become very strong this New Year for many reasons; on the other hand, one reason stands out above all others. My mom died this January. She was a great woman. Her death reminds me that our time is not promised. We live to die. We can live someone else’s wishes while doing very little for our own development, or we can accept ourselves while aligning our actions with our beliefs about life. I choose acceptance.

The acceptance means that my creative output has changed  and will continue to change this year. My blog, radio show, and coaching practice is dedicated to exploring creativity and eroticism for answers to the transitions that we all make in life, for I know they both have the ability to reach the inner-most spirit. My creative outputs and coaching practice is dedicated to promoting a non-monogamous mindset. I do not apologize for that. I will never again apologize.

What is a non-monogamous mind? A non-monogamous mind is mindset that accepts change. A mindset that understands that a spiritual life does not excuse us from the ups and downs of life. A non-monogamous mindset understand that anger, freedom, and jealousy can make exciting sex and promote profound reflections. A non-monogamous mind is not scared of discussions about race, gender, and orientation. A non-monogamous mind knows that multiple sexual partners or only one sexual partner is not central to having good, satisfying relationships. A non-monogamous mind is sex positive and believes in safer sex. A non-monogamous mind does not mean we want to be a part of an orgy, although that might be exactly we want. Having a non-monogamous mind is being aware of creative, erotic possibilities.

This year much of my work will take on a tone of healing, living, and moving forward.

Hence, the re-launching of this blog and the new format for my online radio show (http://www.blogtalkradio.com/drtsexcoach) is about aligning my actions with my beliefs.

I am honored to serve you,

Call me or email me for a FREE session and more information: