Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Compersion: The Key to Healthy, Ethical Non-Monogamy?

There was a time when I looked at ethical non-monogamy and thought that respecting personal freedom was the key to having a "successful" non-monogamous relationship.  I still believe that respecting personal freedom is still a large part of successful ethical non-monogamy.  However, the clients that I have coached who seem the happiest about their non-monogamous relationships are the ones who find joy and sexual arousal in their lovers finding joy in another’s arms.  Compersion offsets jealousy, heals anger, and has the power to enhance sexual between you and your lovers.


Jealousy is truly a green-eyed monster, a dark, demonic emotion that can inhabit your and your lovers’ hearts.   When jealous, my clients rip at each other.  Their insecurities swell. They blame.  They play “one-up-man-ship” with each other.  In your mind, jealousy amplifies the possibilities of something going wrong with your non-monogamous relationship and of being left alone.  Fear of loss leads to lies.  Compersion, on the hand, adds spice to the non-monogamous relationship.

A client of mine, I will call him James, was extremely possessive of his wife when they first met.  Thus the transition to non-monogamy was very difficult for him.  He had no role model for non-monogamy.  He had no idea how to "let his wife go".  He thought that his wife wanting another meant that she wanted him less.  He couldn’t understand how his wife could love him and care for another.  The jealously that possessed his heart was a dangerous jealousy.   His emotions, thoughts, bodily sensations reflected the fact that jealousy was a deep part of his state of being at that moment.
When we started to work together, James stated that he truly wanted to experience the best of ethical non-monogamy before he decided it was not for him.  In addition, he reinforced the fact that he truly loved his wife.  I was happy to hear both statements because I feel if love and/or compassion are at the center of our non-monogamous experiences, then we have a real opportunity to live an ethical non-monogamous relationship style or at least have an opportunity to honestly assess why non-monogamous is not for us at this point in our lives.  Compersion comes from empathy, love and/or compassion for others, particularly your lovers.

I asked James to do the following the next time they ventured into a swing club:

  • Watch his wife with compassion, love, and empathy 
  • Be aware of the bodily sensations that occurred in himself while watching his wife interact with others, particularly when he felt jealousy affecting his emotions and thoughts
  • Pay attention to the sights and sounds that seemed arousing while his wife interacted with others
  • Reassure himself that his wife loved him
  • Enjoy his freedom himself

After a visit to a swing club with his, James shared with me that he did have some sexually arousing feelings as he watched his wife enjoying a couple’s attention directed towards her.  He felt jealous too.  He felt his chest tighten and his arms tense.  When I asked if his body ever felt like that before, James thought about and responded when he had been in fist fights and loud arguments.  

James also shared with me that he became sexually aroused because he sees his wife as an object of desire when she was with others, which is a feeling he hadn’t felt for a while.  She was now his partner, the mother of his kids, and his friend.  Seeing her as simply a sexual object had fallen away a long time ago.  Seeing her with others made her a sexual object again.  He also became aroused by the freedom she displayed in non-monogamy.  In most places in their lives together, James’ wife had becomes reserved because she feared losing the life they had built up together.  Together they started at the bottom, and they worked hard to obtain the trappings of the American Dream.  Often they made decisions that were safe but quelled their freedom, fun, and creativity.  For James, watching his wife let go in her sexual world really stimulated him; in addition, he realized how much she needed to let go sometimes and just enjoy….  He found that he wanted to be her partner in letting go and wanted to let go himself.

Our six months, James and I worked on him enjoying those sexually arousing feelings and being aware of the coming of jealousy through listening to his body's reactions.  He learned to offset his jealous feeling before they were out of control.  As time progressed.  James became less and less jealous and less angry as well.  He was holding on to anger from his wife even wanting someone else sexually and gaining friends.   Her wants challenged many of the beliefs he held about sex, marriage, and life.  To remain in step, he had to change his way of being and understanding the world.  He was angry about losing who he, they had been together; however, compersion helped him see that they had not given up everything and that they could build new ways of being to share.  He had to use his creativity to imagine and live in a new way, but he found himself excited and less angry each day.

Compersion help us release anger because we can empathize with our lovers more.  Their needs and wants are not signs of our failures.  Compersion also shows us that our needs and wants are not failures of our lovers.  It helps us to accept our lovers’ as well as our own humanity.  For some of us, non-monogamous or not, accepting our humanity lifts a large weight off of our shoulders.   In no way am I suggesting that you should not be angry about anything that has transpired in your relationship, but compersion helps the anger we have subside and change.  It has the ability to increase our sense of self-worth and self-love.

As James gained compersion for his wife (and she for him) their sex life flourished because their time together became more precious.  They were two sexually fulfilled beings who came to bed ready to give as well as receive.  James was very attracted to the extra confidence his wife seemed to have.  Also, he was no longer responsible for her self-image, which was very freeing to him.

They no longer looked to each other to satisfy every aspect of their sexual and emotional needs.  For them, this new found freedom increased their sexual feelings for each other, for they realized that very few other people would share this sexual adventure.  When I myself experienced ethical non-monogamy, I could not see how the sex between my girlfriend and me could improve by having sex with others.  It did improve though.  I think, like James, I observing my girlfriend enjoy sex, instead of being responsible for her enjoyment.  I felt heightened freedom as well.

Will ethical non-monogamy improve everyone’s sex life? No way!  It may have the opposite effect on some.  Ethical non-monogamy actually may be dangerous to relationships' and individuals' well-being.  If you cannot find joy in your lovers’ pleasure with others, you may find yourself angry a lot, jealous a lot.  Prolonged anger and jealousy makes desperate sex, not better sex.  Prolonged anger and jealousy eats away at self-esteem.  As a matter of fact, whether or not you can experience compersion may be the deciding factor in whether you can ever enjoy living a non-monogamous life.  Reveling in your own freedom is easy for many of us.  My clients who taste the freedoms associated with ethical non-monogamy often want more; on the other hand, compersion is an emotion, a skill that many of my clients must practice to utilize in their daily lives.

Of course, there are other factors in having a successful ethical non-monogamous lifestyle, but compersion is a factor that can bring healing to you and your lovers.
Your Servant,
Dr. Nwachi Tafari,
Director of the Consensual Non-Monogamy Community, Inc.

Check out my new blog radio show (also see blog radio icon above): http://www.blogtalkradio.com/drtsexcoach.  Call me or email me for a FREE life/sex coaching session and more information about how working with me can improve your entire life: 336.662.7777; dr.tsexcoach@gmail.com


Monday, August 12, 2013

Starting Ethical Non-Monogamy at 70

When we are love-, intimacy-, or sex coaches, we often have the opportunity to reflect on our erotic lives and the erotic lives of others.  We get to listen to many ideas and opinions about relationships.  Moreover, we have the opportunity to observe many different types of relationships. 


Over my life, I have had the opportunity to have good and no-so-good experiences in ethical non-monogamy.  I have researched the practice of ethical non-monogamy for the last five years.  In addition, I have coached individuals interested in or living consensual non-monogamous lives for close to five years as well.  Sharing my reflections on or experiences with ethical non-monogamy is in no way an attempt to say that I have an expertise in ethical non-monogamy.  What I am attempting to do is to help you and I aspire to greater heights in our erotic worlds.  Hopefully, we can learn from our personal pasts and the lessons of others to create unique, loving relationship forms for ourselves that empower and strengthen us.  One of my clients recently taught me to look at ethical non-monogamy life like a baby looks at learning most things: enthusiastically, shamelessly, and fearlessly.


My client Mindy (not her real name) is a 72 year old Jewish woman from New York City.  She looks 20 years younger than her age.  Her mind is sharp, and her enthusiasm for life is contagious.  Mindy is starting her non-monogamous life now, at 72.  She and her husband agreed to an open marriage, and she has already had an experience with a lover.  I am coaching her as she integrates ethical non-monogamy into her life and explores its possibilities for her life.  Many times I coach folk who are having difficulty in their non-monogamous lives; in addition, I often share my personal learning experience from my past non-monogamous experiences.   Couple that with how seriously I take my research on ethical non-monogamy and coaching, and I think that the result is that I may often mistakenly fail to communicate that I believe that ethical, consensual non-monogamy is joyous and fun, not just work.  For the individuals who can create the “right” erotic somatic mythology; the thoughts, the somatic knowledge, and the heart (emotions and compassion); ethical non-monogamy is the way to live, the way to be.


Mindy’s enthusiasm came from the desire to live and explore, to see the world in a through new eyes.  I am thankful for her willingness to see the world through new eyes.  For many people, living an ethical, consensual non-monogamous life requires them to see the world in new ways.  Your non-monogamous life, in many ways, may depend on how much of your older, guiding erotic mythology you are able to or willing to let go.  You may have to ask yourself some of the following:

·       Will I have to redefine what loves means to me?

·       Do I/we need to create a new vocabulary to describe my/our new life?

·       Can I find enjoyment in, not only my pleasure, but also in my partner’s enjoyment with me and others?

·       Do I have to be my lover’s best kisser, best at oral sex, best fuck…?

The answers to such questions do not have all be answered before you start your non-monogamous experiences or when you first start.  Some of this answers will come as you experience your ethical non-monogamous life.  However, I do think whether you are new in a non-monogamous life or you have had many non-monogamous experiences over years, you should face your ethical non-monogamous life, your life with the enthusiasm of an explorer. 


You will not always now what you are going to face.  On the other hand, you have to have faith that you are on your path.  You cannot be on any other path but yours.  As an explorer, you may have to change directions, move more cautiously, and face unbelievable obstacles.  Explorers know that hardship may come; however, they also know that life is an exploration whether you travel millions of miles into uncharted territories or you simply want to improve as a better parent, employee, lover, daughter or son, or whatever. 


Working with Mindy reminded me to express to you to live your ethical non-monogamous life without shame.  She reminded me that my dedication to the non-monogamous community is not a shameful act.  Societal, cultural, and family traditions often dictate what our individual sexual lives “should be”.   It is certainly not my place to tell you to disregard your traditions.  Conversely, I AM saying that your choice to live a sexual life that goes against some of your traditions is not a shameful way to live.  It does mean that you are responsible and that you are accepting the consequences of choices.


My client did not flaunt her sexuality, but her experiences as a woman who has lived into her 70s gives her a remarkable courage and sense of ownership.  Her decisions and the consequences of her decisions she owns.  It does not seem that she makes decisions without thinking; on the contrary, she makes choices that may affect her life in many ways with her eyes open, while wearing the mantle of ownership.  Mindy has seen the ups and downs of life, reared children, and lived a monogamous life for many years.  She is now at an age when shame of her sexuality just does not resonate in her heart any more.  She has shared her non-monogamous life with close friends of hers, and she reports that the increased vulnerability between friends has strengthen their friendships thus far.


Mindy is not asking for permission to be non-monogamous.  Is that where the same comes from?  Do we think that we need permission to feel the ways that we do sexually and emotionally?  I think there is some truth to the origins of shame coming from us believing that we have to have approval to be sexual or sexually unique.  We need approval to talk dirty, to want a spanking, to be something different than heterosexual, and to live non-monogamously.  Hell, I give you permission!  I give myself permission to be unique.  However, I DO NOT give you permission to bury your head in the sand, not acknowledging that there will be consequences to the erotic choices you make or communicate. 


Try not to be ashamed or guilty that you desire ethical non-monogamy, even if it angers or hurts those you love.  Of course, acknowledge your pain for hurting those you love, but your desire is nothing about which to feel guilty or ashamed.  My ex-girlfriend felt great amounts of guilt for expressing her bisexuality and non-monogamous desires to me.  In retrospect I wish I could have separated her desires from my feelings better.  I was angery because non-monogamy was the not the story that informed my actions then.  Today, as I coach folk in non-monogamous relationships and as I study consensual non-monogamy, I could not be happier about the exposure, not because I believe non-monogamy is better or more natural than monogamy, but my studies freed me of my shame about sexuality, regardless of my desires.  It gave me the courage to want to help others in areas of their lives where they may find no other outlet or help.


You see I am on your side.  There are consequences to me serving the consensual non-monogamous community and living as a sex coach.  My culture, family, and friends question me as I serve you.  My actions go against many of my traditions that where the foundation of my thoughts and actions.  However, my exposure to ethical non-monogamy and subsequent research of it freed me from many feeling of guilt and shame. I see myself in my clients, in all of them.  What I saw in Mindy was the ability to lover herself, to release herself from past pain, and to grow.  I have those abilities.  You do too.  Though your non-monogamous experience may not always be good, you must remember that none of your life experiences will always bring joy.  To measure non-monogamy at such a high standard is be putting yourself in a position to never live non-monogamously successfully.


I want you to be fearlessly in your non-monogamous lives….  Hmmmmm….  Maybe, fearless is not the right word.  Fear has some things to teach us.  However, living an ethical, consensual non-monogamous life can be a revolutionary act, whether you swing or live a ploy life, or you fall within the spectrum between the two poles.  Consensual non-monogamy has the potential to change how family is structured, how we view love, and how we view sex for all sexual orientations.  Consensual non-monogamy has the potential to change traditional views about women and their desires.  I love the potential for revolution, yet revolution only comes when individuals face their fears of being different of being revolutionary.  Their beliefs in their individual stories outweigh their fears.


Working with Mindy reminded me to be revolutionary and to help others face their fears.  I am not asking anyone to “come out” as living a non-monogamous life.  I am telling you that is okay to be afraid of living a consensual non-monogamous life, and it is okay to face your fears, so you can live a life that validates who you are and how you feel.


Thank you Mindy


Your Servant,

Dr. Nwachi Tafari,

Director of the Consensual Non-Monogamy Community, Inc.


Check out my new blog radio show (also see blog radio icon above): http://www.blogtalkradio.com/drtsexcoach.  Call me or email me for a FREE life/sex coaching session and more information about how working with me can improve your entire life: 336.662.7777; dr.tsexcoach@gmail.com

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Transitioning to Consensual Non-Monogamy

Lately, I have watched a lot of relationships end: homosexual and heterosexual; monogamous and non-monogamous.  All types of relationships seem to be coming to an end.   Moreover, many single folk are going through difficult transitions.  If I studied astrology, then I may find that the stars are lined up in a way that it is promoting change.  There may be some unrest in the spiritual world.  I do not know.  My sex coaching foundation is based in theories concerning creativity, self-actualization, adult education, and creative transformation.  My view of the world is usually tempered by my foundations.  Thus, I feel creative transformation is a part of human reality.  I am comfortable with relationships ending and people changing.  What I do worry about is when we, for whatever reason, cannot dream or imagine a better reality or a stronger self at the end of our transitions.  Through our transitions, we will experience pain, joy, worry, shame, pride, fear, and ecstasy.  It is just what it is.

            I have witnessed and experienced transitions from monogamy and to non-monogamy, such a transition, I believe, magnifies the various types of transitions we go through in life, regardless of the type of erotic lives we lead. 
How Do Our Transitions Start?
In our transitions, something big happens.  We get fired.  A death occurs.  We come out.  We have a vision for a new way of being.  We graduate.  We start or stop doing drugs.  Something happens.  Those who move to consensual non-monogamy, experience or envision a new way of being that goes against many things: society’s perceptions, upbringing, gender and racial “norms”….  Making transitions that go against many of the ways you once lived your life is not particular to consensual non-monogamy.   The nature of transitions is to move away from what is known to something new.

            The conflict between how we once perceived the world and how we now see the world as a result of some lesson is the beginning of transition.  No one escapes that part of change.  The conflict is not to bring you pain.  The conflict is what makes you move on to a new world.
Why Does the Transition from Monogamy to Consensual-Non-Monogamy Hurt or Feel Very Complicated?

All transitions involve complications.  In the act of moving from reality to another, we have to envision what rules, morals, ways of being, behaviors, and thoughts are no longer appropriate.  Have you ever had to adjust to a new job or boss?  Have you ever “kinda” compared a past relationship to a new one?  Do you remember how some of the things you did with or for your past boss were expected and appreciated; then your new boss changed a lot of the duties you use to hold?  Some of the duties you are happy to get rid of while other duties you enjoyed, you did well, and you miss. 

You may get a similar experience when you have a new lover.  How you did oral sex was perfect.  You had it down to a science.  Then, when you started to perform oral sex with your new lover, he or she was like, “What the f@#K?”  Our first reaction may be to go backwards.  We may seek to find a new job or reconnect with the old lover.  Many of us would rather have old familiarity, even it was bad for us, than go through the pain and uncertainty of change.

Consensual non-monogamy (or any change in our erotic world) is a change that will touch EVERY aspect of our being.  We are confronted by demons in our change.  We face past abuse, childhood hurts, unspoken fears, spiritual confusion to opening up….  We face vulnerability and exposure.  There is no “correct” way of navigating transitions, so expect your lover to transition differently than you do, in a different way, with a different pace.

Creativity and Self Actualization in Consensual Non-Monogamy
In our erotic transitions (in all of our transitions), incorporating creativity is a must and greater self-actualization is a goal.   Taking the time to imagine and reflect is at the heart of my assertion.  In other words, I believe we use our dreams and imagination to form creative solutions to our problems tduring our transitions, and we reflect to continuously improve as human beings.

Take a moment to dream and to imagine what your life will be in a non-monogamous relationship or your new reality.  What will you love about the change?  What will you need to watch out for?  What feeling will you have that “tell” you that you’re in the right situation?  How will you have to be different to be a good member of a non-monogamous relationship?  Use your imagination to answer these questions?  Use your imagination to answer in unexpected ways, ways which push you and challenge you. 

Reflection is the key to improving and becoming the best you can be.  To successfully move form monogamy, you may want to reflect on the effects past relationships have on your present behavior.  You want to reflect on how you treated your lover on occasions when your feelings clouded the discussions you made and the manner in which you spoke.  You may want to reflect on moments when you should have listened more and talked less or when you should have apologized instead of been defensive.  Reflect on how your body feels when you exhibit your worst behavior so that you can take your body’s clues on when it is a bad time to discuss challenging info.  For example, when I am about to lose control, I can feel the tension in my chest and neck grow.  The tension grows as my voice becomes angrier.  Now, I try (not always successful) to stop talking when I feel the tension in my body growing because I know my body is telling me that I am not ready for the conversation or transition.

Transitions from Monogamy
Our erotic transitions are transitions that are magnified because they touch our whole being as I stated earlier.  Our transitions from monogamy, in my opinion, can be a metaphor for our transitions from accepting only one part of ourselves to accepting our whole being.  Having sex with or caring for more than one lover is an opening up.  To expose ourselves to more people is exposing ourselves to greater possible rejection.  The act is also opening up ourselves to more possibile opportunities to feel passion, caring, and new ways of knowing.

            Moving to consensual non-monogamy is really not that different from all the transitions that come our way.  The coming of some of our transitions are out of our control.  The transition to non-monogamy is a choice we make.  It may be a necessary choice for some of us, but we choose to act out non-monogamy.  The transition will not be successful for many people.  Those of us who make successful transitions to non-monogamy will not always be on a rose-scented, well-worn path.  Actually, you probably will be blazing a trail that very few people will go or want to follow.  Use creativity and self-reflection to deal with the reality of the transitions you take.  Relying on pure fantasy is creative, but without reflection, you most likely will be hurting yourself and those around you.  In my personally designed coaching sessions, we will use creativity and reflection to enjoy and move successfully through many of your most difficult life transitions.  I believe in you.
Your Sevant,
Dr. Nwachi Tafari,
Director of the Consensual Non-Monogamy Community, Inc.

Check out my new blog radio show (also see blog radio icon above): http://www.blogtalkradio.com/drtsexcoachCall me or email me for a FREE life/sex coaching session and more information about how working with me can improve your entire life:336.662.7777

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Our Lovers Are Only Human

Being on the same page with your lover or lover(s) seems to be a fallacy to me.  Well, let me be clearer: the notion that you and lover or lover(s) will be “on the same page” over a lifetime, a year, a month, a day even is, I think, more romantic fiction than reality.  I hope you do take this as being overly pessimistic because in actuality, for I am lover of life.  I wouldn’t’ dedicate my life to the service of others if lived in a pessimistic world.  Additionally, I would not have become a sex coach; being life/sex coach means (theoretically) that we (coaches) have the belief that individuals can improve their own performance and lives. 

I believe in humans.  However, I do think we need not expect the world to be filled with roses either.  There is no connection that is formed by humans that reaches the level of perfection, especially connects between humans. 

            Whether you are in a sensual, satisfying monogamous relationship or a satisfying consensual non-monogamous one, regardless of sexual orientation, you will not be able to see eye-to-eye on all aspects of life.  Life is too multifaceted to expect our loved ones to agree with or understand all the ideas we have and the decisions we make.  Believing your lover should just “understand” you has probably hurt more relationships of yours than you care to admit.  Do not feel bad.  You are not alone.

            The thought of meeting a lover or lovers that just understand you is very intoxicating.  Can you image how much energy you could save not having to explain who you are another human being?  Can you imagine all the needs you have getting met without having to ask for help or take a risk?  Long-term partnership, love, intimacy, and good sex without expending a lot of energy and taking a lot of risk.  Sign me up.

            Part of my job as a sex coach is not to judge your adult, sexual, legal lifestyle, but it is also my job to help you see your life from as many angles as possible, so you may grow and see past some possible blind spots in you may have in your life.  Many folk become blind when they hold on to the romantic premise that someone is just going to know them through it all.

            My personal sexual practices and desires have changed tremendously since I had my first sexual experiences.  My philosophies have evolved.  My morals have altered.  My sense of right and wrong is no longer black and white.  I have faith that I have not compromised who I am.  I believe that I have grown to accept humankind as beautiful and ugly, as being a combination of truly unique individuals.  Each one of us may meet a friend, colleague, lover who truly seems “to get” us.  They just might, but we can only be in sync for a moment because each one of us is destined to experience the world as individuals as well as part of relationships and society.  We are bound to our own flesh, bound to our own interpretations of truth and falsehood.

            Seeing the world differently in itself is not important, but when we meet resistance in areas that are truly important to us or by people who are truly close to us, the overwhelming isolation, at times, can be unbearable.  The isolation of feeling alone or misunderstood or wrong enrages us because most humans wish for understanding, to be understood as if their lives depended on it.

            The hardest part of coaching others in the areas of love is helping people heal from the moments when they leaned on expectations, communicated or not, and they were not met.  Sometimes communicated expectations are ignored, but most likely, our expectations are not met because our lover does not have or may no longer have the ability to meet them.  The pain that follows is human and justified; however, the paradox of being human is that being justified does not change a thing.  Being “right” does get your needs met.  Wanting to be understood is wanting something that we will never receive from other human beings 100% of the time.

            Let me ask you, how would your life change if you reflected on the fact that your lovers are only human, even if you believe that they are sent to you by divine intervention?  Upon my own reflections, I came up with many insights: the following are just a few:

1.      I can’t cast the first stone

2.      My lover will evolve.

3.      Sometimes, I will be alone.

I can’t cast the first stone

Can I cast the first stone at my lover for her metaphorical sins?  I do not think I can.  If I throw the first stone, have I reflected on my own “sins”?  Probably not.  Relationships can become physically and mentally abusive.  Such relationships need to end.  The rest of us may need to reflect on our humanness before we open our mouths to disparage our lovers.

Have you meet all of your lovers’ expectations?  Have you pushed aside your lovers’ thoughts or needs because you did not understand them or agree with them or had the time/energy to deal with them?  Of course you have, sometimes your own needs, the needs of your work, the needs of your kids superseded your lovers’.  Personally, I have no problem with you not being able to meet your lovers’ every expectation.  On the other hand, I ask you to do some reflection BEFORE you come to your lover, accusing them of failing you.

My lover will evolve

I am a different man since I experienced non-monogamy once in my life.  I am a different man since the birth of my children.  I am a different man since I married.  The death my mother changed me.  My education altered me.  Growing older…  Changing my profession….  Doesn’t life alter us, mold us?  Even the rigid stone turns smooth by the ebb and flow of the sea.  Nothing on the planet stays the same.  The lover you met last year may not be the same person.  Are you the same person?

            Allowing our lovers to change and grow is synonymous to accepting their humanness.  I do not mean to say that you should accept every possible change; however, understand that your lover is in the same boat.  She or he does not have to accept every change that occurs in your life.  Our lovers have the right to accept change, ask for compromise, or walk away from the relationship. 

Sometimes I will be alone

You will be alone at times, even when you are in a relationships or have good friends.  There are going to be times in life when your decisions and actions are just going to have to be your own because the people closest to you can’t relate.  They are bound to their own flesh as you are.  They have to follow their own visions of the world just as you do.

            When the moments come when you want to follow a vision that is only yours, be encouraged that you will not always be alone.  Additionally, be encouraged that our personal visions often lead to beautiful new experiences.  

             Give your lover and yourself the opportunity to be human.  Knowing that you love humans beings, imperfect humans my help you to forgive and move on when your lovers do not meet expectations.  Check out my new blog radio show (See above):http://www.blogtalkradio.com/drtsexcoach
Call me or email me for a FREE session and more information about how sex coaching can improve your entire life:


Friday, March 8, 2013

Creativity and the Erotic: Suggestions on Being More Creative in Bed and in Life

My sex coaching practice is grounded in evidence-based coaching methods and creativity theory.  I use creativity theory and exercises to promote erotic creativity as well as to improve my practice and the lives of my clients (as well as my own).   The erotic world is a swirling mass of creative energy.  Sex is the most creative act humans can perform in my opinion.  Additionally, the best sex occurs when we unfetter our unconscious and conscious minds to explore our whole being and the entire beings of our lovers.  We free ourselves to be creative, to answer the question, “Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if I stuck my tongue there? OR “If I put ice cubes in my mouth and…” 

            To be creative in life and as a lover you must be willing to do a few things:

1.      You have to be willing to be first.

2.      You have to be willing to be rejected.

3.      You have to be in-touch with your deep desires.

4.      You have to let your lover(s) explore.


You have to be willing to be first.

Most creativity researchers’ define creativity in terms of novelty.  In other words, creative ideas are new ideas.  Creative produces are ones that are new to society.  As for as the erotic goes, you are not being creative in bed if you are not trying anything new. 

What have you done differently in bed in the last week?  Month? Year? 5 years?  If you reflect on your erotic world and you realize that you haven’t tried anything new in some time, stop blaming you lover(s) for a “boring” sex life.  Take responsibility of your own enjoyment.  Suck on something new.  Dress up.  Have sex in a new location.  Add toys.  Try a different way to lubricate.  Be rougher or gentler.  Pierce something.  Use parts of body sexually that you never associated with sex.  Add food.  Add new scents or tastes to your erotic world.  Add ropes and paddles.  Add a lover.  Subtract a lover.  Try a different role.  Try a new position.  Try a new hole.  Try something new!

Even if you do not have a lover, you can fantasize and masturbate to your new ideas about sex.  Let your mind go places that you were a little afraid to explore. Explore your body.  Take your time.  Slow down your orgasm.  Speed up your orgasm.  Have an orgasm.  Read erotica.  Have a one-night stand (safer sex of course).  Being single means you have the freedom to really figure out what you like.  Be selfish.

Most importantly, do not wait for someone else to bring creativity to you.

You have to be willing to be rejected.

“What the f@%# do you want to do?  You want to stick that where?  Who are those anal beads for?”  Your lover does not have to like what you like or see what you see!  They (she or he) may reject you.  Try not to take it personally.  Your lover is not rejecting you if he or she does not want to bring a strap-on to bed with you both. 

Just so you know, regardless of the domain, most creative ideas and people are rejected at first.  Creativity researchers define creative products as not only unique or new, but also as appropriate.  In other words, to bring creativity to your bed, you not only have to try new things, but you also have to bring acts that are appropriate for you and your lover(s).  There is no way that I know of that will guarantee you will always bring “appropriate” acts to the bed.  The standard is subjective: what is appropriate to you may not be appropriate to your lover. 

            To bring appropriate and new eroticism to your erotic your world, you must be reflective.  Here I do not necessarily mean reflect on you own desires: you must be reflective about your lover’s needs.  What does your lover want?  Are he, she, or they adventurous?  What do you know about their sexual dreams and fantasies?  Can you fulfill any part of those fantasies?  When is your lover the most creative and daring sexually?

            You also have to be patient because our erotic selves do evolve.  What is inappropriate today may be necessary tomorrow.  Your lover may hear an erotic suggestion and need to ease into the actual act.  All of us cannot just jump into the pool.  Some of us like slowing walk into the surf.

You have to be in-touch with your deep desires.

Being in-touch with your deep desires means that you are willing to reflect on both the light and dark sides of your being.  Does love, intimacy, feeling safe, and trust spark your erotic creativity?    For some of my clients, love and trust and safety provide an environment in which anything is possible.  Reflect on the sexual creativity that you can bring to your encounters when you feel safe.  What things are willing to try when you trust your lover?

On the other hand, “dark” emotions like jealousy, anger, shame and exhilaration from danger are fertile grounds for finding creative sexual too.  For example, acts such as practicing non-monogamy, spanking, tickling, bondage, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, cuckoldry and sexual fetishism stretch individuals’ limitations and can heighten sexual pleasure.  Are you turned by the taboo of doing things that society does not promote?

As you know, I do not promote forcing others into our selfish sexual practices, and I abhor those who take advantage of the youth.  Therefore, for me and my clients, looking into our dark emotions means finding creative eroticism in our dark sides and using what we find with consenting adults.  There are plenty of possible lovers who want to share your darker emotions.

You have to let your lover(s) explore.

To be creative, you may have to let your lover lead at times.  Don’t be scared of your lover’s imagination.  Know your limits, but be willing to explore.

            When I began my sexually active life, I met a young lady who was much more experienced than I (which was NOT hard to accomplish at that time).  I think I was about sixteen and she, 19 or so.  She shared with me the naughty stuff that she had already done:  She had been in threesomes; she had tried double penetration; she had done things that I had only heard about or seen in porn.  Needless to say, she scared the crap outta me.

            Our little “relationship” was very brief.  I was afraid to explore with her.  One night, while in a friend’s basement, she pulled me close to her and said she wanted me.  At that age, I wouldn’t dare turn down sex even if I did not feel comfortable: I couldn’t guarantee the opportunity would come up again.  She shimmed down her jeans and panties and lay back on a couch.  She spread her legs and directed me to lick it.

            “Lick what?” I thought.  “I am pretty sure she pees with that.”  This was a time period when hairy genitals were in style too, so I lapped passively at the coochie, not daring to traverse the forest.  I may have given it a peck.  Now I like to bring my bib to eat coochie… now, but then I was afraid to let someone else teach me and add creativity to what I already did.  Now I can follow, and I will try almost anything once, for I can accept someone else’s creative flow.  I do not have to control everything that goes on in the bed, or on the floor, or in the car....  You know what I sayin.

            Finding our creative selves can truly stimulate your entire life.  Just imagine you use these suggestions in other parts of your life.  Imagine going first and not being afraid of rejection on your job.  Imagine not being afraid to follow others, and imagine following your deepest desires.  Would you be more creative?  How would your life change?    I suspect your life just might change for the better.


I am honored to serve you,


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