Friday, June 1, 2012

Scared When I Whip It Out: Erotic Fear

Erotic fear is not an emotion that we can eradicate in our lives.  I believe that all humans fear something, real or imagined.  However, we can learn how to create an erotic identity that helps us accept and love ourselves as well as control our fears.  In my practice, I help individuals control their own erotic fears better.

            In my erotic world, I fear…, so do my clients.  Every time I have ever taken my dick out in front of a lover I have feared: “Is it big enough, small enough, fat enough, curved enough, too curved….”   I have feared am I going to do this right, and during my freakier days, I feared that I would not perform well with more than one woman or while others watched.  I hoped I was brown enough, not too brown, tall enough, but not too tall.  I hoped to be accepted as I was, as I saw myself.  I hoped that my lover hadn’t wished that I was someone else, a place holder for someone better.

I feared my relationships, even my marriage, would end, and I would grow old alone, in pain.  I fear….  I am human.  On the other hand, I also know how to use my creative spirit to move past fears, to try new things erotically and otherwise, to love, and to trust.  Additionally, the longer I coach, and the more I research the erotic world, I realize erotic fears are not particular to me.  Many of us hope that we are accepted as we are.  We wish for acceptance in many arenas of our lives; however, the erotic world exposes us in ways no other aspect of our lives is capable.  We are exposed mentally, spiritually and physically in our erotic worlds.  Our dirty secrets are exposed, our unspoken fears too.  Often, what we learned from our culture and family, the good, the bad, and the ugly, is exposed.  In the erotic world, we truly are naked, without physical, psychic, and spiritual shields.

                A client of mine, Brook, heard the voice of her parents very loudly.   She heard the voice of her pastor, her relatives, her friends.  She heard all the critical voices.   During one of our sessions, we discussed how she feared to express deep desires and secret fantasies to her lover, for she did not want to be seen as a slut or hoe.   The voice of her father came to life in this particular session

                Brook: “…Sometimes, I see myself as a slut.”

                Dr.T: “Do your desires make you feel like a slut?”  I could see Brook shudder at the world "slut" though she used it herself.

                Brook: “My desires and what I have done and enjoyed aren’t right” 

                Dr.T: “How do you mean?  Can you tell me more?”  I felt her pain, and I felt her fear of sharing.  In my coaching practice, I do not use the questions “why?” for it often blocks the energy that is flowing.  However, I do ask clients if they can tell me more.

                Brook: “I enjoy oral sex.  I think I enjoy giving more than receiving.”  A small smile broke through the pain in her face, but it quickly left.  “I like it a lot.  That is not how I was raised.”

                Dr.T: “How you were raised?”

                Brook:  “My dad was a cop, and he raised us in the church.  He was very old school, always telling us girls about the things that happened to women who put themselves in bad positions by doing nasty things.  He’d talk about sexy female celebrities as if they were dirty and rapes waiting to happen.”

                Dr.T: “Do you think you are dirty or a rape waiting to happen?”  Tears formed in Brook’s eyes.

                Brook:  “Not a rape waiting to happen, but I do feel dirty.  My father....   Most of the guys I know talk about nasty girls who sucked their dicks.”  Brook surprised me because she usually had saying any words like dick, but I could tell and hoped that she was fighting to move past her fears.

                Dr.T: “Do you fear going against your father’s wishes or having a lover seeing you as dirty?”

                Brook: Brook’s tears flowed easily now.  “I am scared of my lover seeing me as some freak he can take advantage of and talk about to his boys.”

                Dr.T: “I know many men who love women who feel free enough to suck dick.  I enjoy women who know what they like and who are not afraid to show it.  Is it possible that doing different things in your sex life with your lover would bring you closer, especially if you both enjoy different things like oral sex?”

                Brook: “I think the man I am with now would enjoy trying new things with me.  He asks if he can ‘go down’ on me or if I would do him.  I always want to say yes, but I just can’t bring myself to let go.  I don't think he would see me... take advantage of me....”

                Dr.T: “What would letting go mean to you?  What would you do?  How would you feel?”  Brook’s face brightens, and her voice strengthens?

                Brook: “First, I wouldn’t be scared of pleasing my man and trying new things.  I would try more of the things I dream of.  I would be me….”

                Dr.T: “That sounds cool.  Accepting self is always cool.  Do you think, before our next session, that you can ask your man to ‘go down’ on you?  Would that be a good start or a good first goal at accepting your desires?"

                Brook: “...I think so.  He would be surprised!  He ight lose his mind if I was aggressive in bed.  Yes (smiling) I think that I can start there….”

Brook and continued to work together to creatively design the life she wanted to live.  Erotically, she wanted to express some of her desires in her lived sexual experiences and not just in fantasies.  However, fear of exposing a true erotic-self got in the way of her pleasure and the pleasure of her boyfriend. 

At the end of our work together, experienced both performing oral sex and receiving with her boyfriend.  She enjoyed cumming and helping her man cum.  She found that she even love the taste of him.  There were still times when she felt “dirty,” but when she shared her entire erotic-self in an environment of love and trust, Brook found her desires to be exciting, pleasurable, and freeing.  She no longer saw herself through her father’s eyes.  She owned and created her erotic identity, one that did not include the judgments of her father.  
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