We are the creative designers of our own erotic worlds, so we decide if we want to dwell in hell or heaven. However, I would be a liar if I said that the physical world in which we live does not influence our erotic worlds. Many things do affect our present sense of ourselves: our childhood, our erotic experiences, society’s erotic expectations, history, culture, religion…. The list is a long one.
Like everyone in the world, I have had times in my life when my erotic world did not feel good. I didn’t treat others the best, and I experienced being treated poorly: I certainly have experienced the hell of the erotic world. There have been times in which my passions were misdirected, sexually and otherwise. From experiences with clients and personal experience, I find that to reclaim our erotic selves and to remain closer to the heaven of our desires, we must use our creative selves to the fullest. Creativity is intimately connected to the erotic world. The erotic world is one of the major forces behind the creative world. Our passions derive from the spiritual, mental erotic world, and we use creativity to make our passions exist in the physical world. In turn, we have the ability to use creativity to improve and to heal our erotic worlds.
In my coaching practice, sex is not the center of our discussions; moreover, better sex is not really the key objective. I ask clients to make goals for their spiritual, physical, and mental selves, to keep good balance. This is a must if we are to work together. It is really one of the few things that I insist clients do as we work together.
About what are you passionate? This is the center of the erotic world, and it is the center of my coaching process as well: passions. To find the center of our erotic worlds, to find our “true” selves, I work with clients through three phases of my sex coaching process: Erotic Deconstruction, Erotic Reconstruction, and Erotic Rebirth.
Dr. Michael J. Bader, author of Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies, writes, “…when we understand our sexuality, we understand ourselves.” Understanding our erotic selves is not simply saying, “I am gay,” “I am monogamous,” “I am a swinger,” “I like being spanked….” Understanding our erotic selves takes honest reflection and examination. As Kenya Stevens, co-founder of JuJu Mama, LLC, shared with me, there are not villains and no victims in loving relationships. I believe this is true in the loving relationship that we have with ourselves. During the deconstruction of your reflections and your honest self-examination, you should not be looking for villains and victims. Instead, look for what you have learned about yourself. The following questions may help:
· What aspects of my childhood affect my erotic world today?
· What have I learned from my past relationships?
· What critical things do I say to myself about my body, attitude, performance that affect my passions?
· What do my fantasies and dreams tell me about my erotic life?
· How do anger, shame, and/or fear affect my passions?
· What do I need to “let go” to enjoy my passions fully and experience my best erotic self?
The erotic deconstruction phase of coaching is an in-depth examination into why you like anal sex, infrequent affections, messy kisses, a dominate lover…. It is an examination of why you attracted to the same type of lover over and over again even when she or he is not “good’ for you. Erotic deconstruction is the identification of your pure passions, unencumbered by the critical past as humanly possible.
Who are you really? Better yet who is the you whom you want to create. In other words, this phase of sex coaching is using goals selection and achievement to create the present and future that reflect your passion.
During erotic deconstruction, you have found people, place, and things that you may want to leave behind, that no longer suit you. Every week you take small steps toward the dated goals that you have set for yourself:
1. Greater body acceptance by June, 2012
2. Greater inner peace by January, 2013
3. Increased knowledge by December, 2012
Not only do you set dated goals, you also establish how you will know you have achieved your goals:
1. Greater body acceptance: I know I have achieved greater body acceptance when I take a vacation on a nude beach.
2. Greater inner peace: I know I have gained greater inner peace when I am able to mediate each night and able to pursue my passions even when things are not “going my way.”
3. Increased knowledge: I know I have increased my knowledge when I have learned how to advertise for my business in a way that results in $3000.00 a month of more business.
By setting goals for the present and the future, designing an end to each goal, and letting go of the people, places, and things that are not compatible with the erotic world you wish to create, your world then takes a shape that is not enslaved by the critical past. You create an erotic world that is in line with your truest, deepest passions, that is in line with your “true” erotic self.
Erotic rebirth is living the process of continuous, periodic erotic reconstruction. Moreover, erotic rebirth is gaining the confidence to share your passions with those that matter to you. It means living your passions, instead of just dreaming about them. Erotic rebirth is finishing a set of goal and creating new ones that you take in what you have learned and lead you towards where you would like to go.
Erotic rebirth is what it sounds like in many ways: it is loving and living as if life where new again.Check out my new blog radio show:
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