Society, family, and society teach us a lot about what to expect in the erotic world. Some of what we learn we find to be true for us; some of what we learn we find is total dodo, bullshit, untruths…. What we learn are myths that harm ourselves, others, and the relationships we aspire to cultivate and maintain.
One romantic heterosexual myth that I let fade away is that a woman’s pussy is a treasure, a gift to be earned and hidden away. I understand why we tell our little girls that their cookies are a gift: we want them to love themselves and to be careful about the choices they make. On the other hand, society wants women to be virginal and chaste until they marry. We want women to have no sexual desires that in involve their own erotic fantasies.
I always loved women, but I treated them as if they were not sexual beings. I thought I had to talk them into sexual acts. In some cases, this may be true. However, since I have been coaching, I have met many women who curtailed their desires because they thought themselves to be whores if they wanted another woman, wanted to be assertive with a man, or wanted to explore their sexual identities in any way. Now, we live in a world of repressed passion and desire.
Women curtail their passions in many aspects of their lives… in their jobs, in their family discussions, in the bed.... Granted, times have changed since I was young, so many more women except their sexuality more readily than when I went to high school and graduated from college. I am proud of the new woman. My daughters reflect this new woman. My daughters are not afraid of men or women of different sexual orientation. They love people, and they allow others to create their own worlds, cultivate their own beliefs; moreover, my daughters are strong enough to create their own lives and follow their passions. Being women does not trap them or stifle their power.
On the other hand, we teach boys that that they search for the treasure between women’s legs. We, men, even grow up learning that to fuck, we have to have money. We buy the pussy when possible, and in my own experience, this has been reinforced by men and women.
Where does that leave men concerning their view of their own bodies? We do not teach little boy to be selective. We teach them that they need to experience all that they can. We do not teach them that they too are gifts to their mates. We do not teach them to be reflective about their erotic worlds. Therefore, men’s decisions about how they experience their erotic worlds are often quite different from women's.
I met Eric through Kelly, a former client of mine. They weren’t lovers but were old friends. Upon meeting Eric at my office, he announced that he did not need my services, but he heard that I had done great things with Kelly. She was having better relationships and had regained passion for life. I made it clear that Kelly did all the heavy lifting: she did all the hard work to create the life that she desired. I was the professional “ear” and “voice” she needed to clear some of the webs out of her way.
Eric made an appointment for a free session; during which, we discovered there were things that he wanted to recreate in his life. Eric was a good-looking, professional man and had no problem dating. However, he held onto a lot of anger:
Eric: I hate women I think.
Dr.T: Can you tell me more?
Eric: I am not sure. I just have low patients for the women I date. I often feel like they ask too much of me. I pay for things; I listen to their problems; I feel like I try to do whatever they request of me.
Dr.T: Whatever they request? That sounds like a lot of pressure to me. I am not sure if I can give anyone whatever they request.
Eric: Pressure? I never thought of it that way. I guess it's pressure.
Dr.T: Aren’t you responsible to provide yourself much of what you need as well? How do you maintain the energy to do all that you seem to ask of yourself? How do you recharge?
Eric: I cannot honestly say that I have a way to recharge per se. I never really thought about being responsible for me and not focused on my girlfriend or lady I was seeing. I guess I do put a lot of pressure on myself. I don’t take care of me too much. I take care of business but not me. I know how to make money but not recharge my spirit….
Eric then surprised me with a few tears. He shook. He looked so tired that I asked him if he were willing to talk to a certified counselor or a religious leader. I wanted to make sure that he had as many people “on his side” as possible. I didn’t want Eric “to slip” into a depression, for he truly carried a lot of weight on his shoulders. Once the weight was gone, he almost did not know what to do. He didn't know how to be.
Eric and I continued our sessions for six months. He also chose to have sessions with his minister. His goals with me were to regain some joy and let go of pain, so he could enjoy the beautiful and intelligent women he often met. In our sessions, Eric wrote in a journal, created the scenes his wanted to play out in his life, and examined his dreams and erotic fantasies. He used all the information he gained from his self-reflection to create a better present and brighter future as did Kelly.
I have to say I truly empathized with Eric. During high school, college, and young adulthood, I pursued women as if each one were a Holy Grail. I often forgot what my own desires and needs were to find the treasure, get the pussy. I held onto a lot of anger for a long time. I still have to check myself sometimes. This is true for all people: if we make our partners more important than we make ourselves, we put our own lives on the back burner. I do understand that we may have to put our lovers’ needs before our own for moments, but we cannot maintain the sacrifice over a lifetime nor should we.
I made my dick as important as any pussy I pursued; hence, the birth of the Shadow Maker. I love my dick (When I masturbate, I tell it so....). In any relationship I had and still maintain, I communicate that I think as much about my body, desires, and needs as I think about satisfying others. I will not lose myself again, and I help my clients do the same.
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