Friday, June 22, 2012

Coochie is a Gift, but so is my Dick....

My dick is a gift.  Truly, it is.  I do not believe it is conceded to say so, and I am not saying that because I have the best cock in town (although, I certainly do).  Moreover, I am not saying it’s the biggest either although on my blog-radio show, my thang is affectionately called the Shadow Maker (    However, the Shadow Maker is not the subject of this post, well, not totally

Society, family, and society teach us a lot about what to expect in the erotic world.  Some of what we learn we find to be true for us; some of what we learn we find is total dodo, bullshit, untruths….  What we learn are myths that harm ourselves, others, and the relationships we aspire to cultivate and maintain. 

One romantic heterosexual myth that I let fade away is that a woman’s pussy is a treasure, a gift to be earned and hidden away.  I understand why we tell our little girls that their cookies are a gift: we want them to love themselves and to be careful about the choices they make.  On the other hand, society wants women to be virginal and chaste until they marry.  We want women to have no sexual desires that in involve their own erotic fantasies.

I always loved women, but I treated them as if they were not sexual beings.  I thought I had to talk them into sexual acts.  In some cases, this may be true.  However, since I have been coaching, I have met many women who curtailed their desires because they thought themselves to be whores if they wanted another woman, wanted to be assertive with a man, or wanted to explore their sexual identities in any way.  Now, we live in a world of repressed passion and desire. 

Women curtail their passions in many aspects of their lives… in their jobs, in their family discussions, in the bed....  Granted, times have changed since I was young, so many more women except their sexuality more readily than when I went to high school and graduated from college.  I am proud of the new woman.  My daughters reflect this new woman.  My daughters are not afraid of men or women of different sexual orientation.  They love people, and they allow others to create their own worlds, cultivate their own beliefs; moreover, my daughters are strong enough to create their own lives and follow their passions.  Being women does not trap them or stifle their power.

On the other hand, we teach boys that that they search for the treasure between women’s legs.  We, men, even grow up learning that to fuck, we have to have money.  We buy the pussy when possible, and in my own experience, this has been reinforced by men and women. 

Where does that leave men concerning their view of their own bodies?  We do not teach little boy to be selective.  We teach them that they need to experience all that they can.  We do not teach them that they too are gifts to their mates.  We do not teach them to be reflective about their erotic worlds.  Therefore, men’s decisions about how they experience their erotic worlds are often quite different from women's.

I met Eric through Kelly, a former client of mine.  They weren’t lovers but were old friends.   Upon meeting Eric at my office, he announced that he did not need my services, but he heard that I had done great things with Kelly.  She was having better relationships and had regained passion for life.  I made it clear that Kelly did all the heavy lifting: she did all the hard work to create the life that she desired.  I was the professional “ear” and “voice” she needed to clear some of the webs out of her way. 

Eric made an appointment for a free session; during which, we discovered there were things that he wanted to recreate in his life.  Eric was a good-looking, professional man and had no problem dating.  However, he held onto a lot of anger:

Eric:  I hate women I think.

Dr.T: Can you tell me more?

Eric: I am not sure.  I just have low patients for the women I date.  I often feel like they ask too much of me.  I pay for things; I listen to their problems; I feel like I try to do whatever they request of me.

Dr.T: Whatever they request?  That sounds like a lot of pressure to me.  I am not sure if I can give anyone whatever they request.

Eric: Pressure?  I never thought of it that way.  I guess it's pressure.

Dr.T: Aren’t you responsible to provide yourself much of what you need as well?  How do you maintain the energy to do all that you seem to ask of yourself?  How do you recharge?

Eric: I cannot honestly say that I have a way to recharge per se.  I never really thought about being responsible for me and not focused on my girlfriend or lady I was seeing.  I guess I do put a lot of pressure on myself.  I don’t take care of me too much.  I take care of business but not me.  I know how to make money but not recharge my spirit….

Eric then surprised me with a few tears.  He shook.  He looked so tired that I asked him if he were willing to talk to a certified counselor or a religious leader.  I wanted to make sure that he had as many people “on his side” as possible.  I didn’t want Eric “to slip” into a depression, for he truly carried a lot of weight on his shoulders.  Once the weight was gone, he almost did not know what to do.  He didn't know how to be.

Eric and I continued our sessions for six months.  He also chose to have sessions with his minister.  His goals with me were to regain some joy and let go of pain, so he could enjoy the beautiful and intelligent women he often met.  In our sessions, Eric wrote in a journal, created the scenes his wanted to play out in his life, and examined his dreams and erotic fantasies.  He used all the information he gained from his self-reflection to create a better present and brighter future as did Kelly.

I have to say I truly empathized with Eric.  During high school, college, and young adulthood, I pursued women as if each one were a Holy Grail. I often forgot what my own desires and needs were to find the treasure, get the pussy.  I held onto a lot of anger for a long time.  I still have to check myself sometimes. This is true for all people: if we make our partners more important than we make ourselves, we put our own lives on the back burner.  I do understand that we may have to put our lovers’ needs before our own for moments, but we cannot maintain the sacrifice over a lifetime nor should we.

            I made my dick as important as any pussy I pursued; hence, the birth of the Shadow Maker.  I love my dick (When I masturbate, I tell it so....).  In any relationship I had and still maintain, I communicate that I think as much about my body, desires, and needs as I think about satisfying others.  I will not lose myself again, and I help my clients do the same.

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Create a Better Erotic World

Some of you may have noticed that I have changed the title of my blog from Touch to The Erotic World: A Place Between Heaven and Hell.  I changed the name because between heaven and hell is the place where the erotic world exists.  It, the erotic world, has the power to heal and inflict pain, create and destroy.  I respect it tremendously.  I love it; I fear it.

            We are the creative designers of our own erotic worlds, so we decide if we want to dwell in hell or heaven.   However, I would be a liar if I said that the physical world in which we live does not influence our erotic worlds.  Many things do affect our present sense of ourselves: our childhood, our erotic experiences, society’s erotic expectations, history, culture, religion….  The list is a long one.  

            Like everyone in the world, I have had times in my life when my erotic world did not feel good.  I didn’t treat others the best, and I experienced being treated poorly: I certainly have experienced the hell of the erotic world.  There have been times in which my passions were misdirected, sexually and otherwise.  From experiences with clients and personal experience, I find that to reclaim our erotic selves and to remain closer to the heaven of our desires, we must use our creative selves to the fullest.  Creativity is intimately connected to the erotic world.  The erotic world is one of the major forces behind the creative world.  Our passions derive from the spiritual, mental erotic world, and we use creativity to make our passions exist in the physical world.  In turn, we have the ability to use creativity to improve and to heal our erotic worlds.

            In my coaching practice, sex is not the center of our discussions; moreover, better sex is not really the key objective.  I ask clients to make goals for their spiritual, physical, and mental selves, to keep good balance.  This is a must if we are to work together.  It is really one of the few things that I insist clients do as we work together. 

            About what are you passionate?  This is the center of the erotic world, and it is the center of my coaching process as well: passions.  To find the center of our erotic worlds, to find our “true” selves, I work with clients through three phases of my sex coaching process:  Erotic Deconstruction, Erotic Reconstruction, and Erotic Rebirth.

Erotic Deconstruction

Dr. Michael J. Bader, author of Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies, writes, “…when we understand our sexuality, we understand ourselves.”  Understanding our erotic selves is not simply saying, “I am gay,” “I am monogamous,”  “I am a swinger,” “I like being spanked….”  Understanding our erotic selves takes honest reflection and examination.  As Kenya Stevens, co-founder of JuJu Mama, LLC, shared with me, there are not villains and no victims in loving relationships.  I believe this is true in the loving relationship that we have with ourselves.  During the deconstruction of your reflections and your honest self-examination, you should not be looking for villains and victims.  Instead, look for what you have learned about yourself.  The following questions may help:

·         What aspects of my childhood affect my erotic world today? 

·         What have I learned from my past relationships?

·         What critical things do I say to myself about my body, attitude, performance that affect my passions?

·         What do my fantasies and dreams tell me about my erotic life?

·         How do anger, shame, and/or fear affect my passions?

·         What do I need to “let go” to enjoy my passions fully and experience my best erotic self?

The erotic deconstruction phase of coaching is an in-depth examination into why you like anal sex, infrequent affections, messy kisses, a dominate lover….  It is an examination of why you attracted to the same type of lover over and over again even when she or he is not “good’ for you.  Erotic deconstruction is the identification of your pure passions, unencumbered by the critical past as humanly possible.

Erotic Construction

Who are you really?  Better yet who is the you whom you want to create.  In other words, this phase of sex coaching is using goals selection and achievement to create the present and future that reflect your passion.

During erotic deconstruction, you have found people, place, and things that you may want to leave behind, that no longer suit you.  Every week you take small steps toward the dated goals that you have set for yourself:

1.      Greater body acceptance by June, 2012

2.      Greater inner peace by January, 2013

3.      Increased knowledge by December, 2012

Not only do you set dated goals, you also establish how you will know you have achieved your goals:

1.      Greater body acceptance: I know I have achieved greater body acceptance when I take a vacation on a nude beach.

2.      Greater inner peace: I know I have gained greater inner peace when I am able to mediate each night and able to pursue my passions even when things are not “going my way.”

3.      Increased knowledge: I know I have increased my knowledge when I have learned how to advertise for my business in a way that results in $3000.00 a month of more business.

By setting goals for the present and the future, designing an end to each goal, and letting go of the people, places, and things that are not compatible with the erotic world you wish to create, your world then takes a shape that is not enslaved by the critical past.  You create an erotic world that is in line with your truest, deepest passions, that is in line with your “true” erotic self.

Erotic Rebirth

Erotic rebirth is living the process of continuous, periodic erotic reconstruction.  Moreover, erotic rebirth is gaining the confidence to share your passions with those that matter to you.  It means living your passions, instead of just dreaming about them.  Erotic rebirth is finishing a set of goal and creating new ones that you take in what you have learned and lead you towards where you would like to go.

            Erotic rebirth is what it sounds like in many ways: it is loving and living as if life where new again.
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Friday, June 1, 2012

Scared When I Whip It Out: Erotic Fear

Erotic fear is not an emotion that we can eradicate in our lives.  I believe that all humans fear something, real or imagined.  However, we can learn how to create an erotic identity that helps us accept and love ourselves as well as control our fears.  In my practice, I help individuals control their own erotic fears better.

            In my erotic world, I fear…, so do my clients.  Every time I have ever taken my dick out in front of a lover I have feared: “Is it big enough, small enough, fat enough, curved enough, too curved….”   I have feared am I going to do this right, and during my freakier days, I feared that I would not perform well with more than one woman or while others watched.  I hoped I was brown enough, not too brown, tall enough, but not too tall.  I hoped to be accepted as I was, as I saw myself.  I hoped that my lover hadn’t wished that I was someone else, a place holder for someone better.

I feared my relationships, even my marriage, would end, and I would grow old alone, in pain.  I fear….  I am human.  On the other hand, I also know how to use my creative spirit to move past fears, to try new things erotically and otherwise, to love, and to trust.  Additionally, the longer I coach, and the more I research the erotic world, I realize erotic fears are not particular to me.  Many of us hope that we are accepted as we are.  We wish for acceptance in many arenas of our lives; however, the erotic world exposes us in ways no other aspect of our lives is capable.  We are exposed mentally, spiritually and physically in our erotic worlds.  Our dirty secrets are exposed, our unspoken fears too.  Often, what we learned from our culture and family, the good, the bad, and the ugly, is exposed.  In the erotic world, we truly are naked, without physical, psychic, and spiritual shields.

                A client of mine, Brook, heard the voice of her parents very loudly.   She heard the voice of her pastor, her relatives, her friends.  She heard all the critical voices.   During one of our sessions, we discussed how she feared to express deep desires and secret fantasies to her lover, for she did not want to be seen as a slut or hoe.   The voice of her father came to life in this particular session

                Brook: “…Sometimes, I see myself as a slut.”

                Dr.T: “Do your desires make you feel like a slut?”  I could see Brook shudder at the world "slut" though she used it herself.

                Brook: “My desires and what I have done and enjoyed aren’t right” 

                Dr.T: “How do you mean?  Can you tell me more?”  I felt her pain, and I felt her fear of sharing.  In my coaching practice, I do not use the questions “why?” for it often blocks the energy that is flowing.  However, I do ask clients if they can tell me more.

                Brook: “I enjoy oral sex.  I think I enjoy giving more than receiving.”  A small smile broke through the pain in her face, but it quickly left.  “I like it a lot.  That is not how I was raised.”

                Dr.T: “How you were raised?”

                Brook:  “My dad was a cop, and he raised us in the church.  He was very old school, always telling us girls about the things that happened to women who put themselves in bad positions by doing nasty things.  He’d talk about sexy female celebrities as if they were dirty and rapes waiting to happen.”

                Dr.T: “Do you think you are dirty or a rape waiting to happen?”  Tears formed in Brook’s eyes.

                Brook:  “Not a rape waiting to happen, but I do feel dirty.  My father....   Most of the guys I know talk about nasty girls who sucked their dicks.”  Brook surprised me because she usually had saying any words like dick, but I could tell and hoped that she was fighting to move past her fears.

                Dr.T: “Do you fear going against your father’s wishes or having a lover seeing you as dirty?”

                Brook: Brook’s tears flowed easily now.  “I am scared of my lover seeing me as some freak he can take advantage of and talk about to his boys.”

                Dr.T: “I know many men who love women who feel free enough to suck dick.  I enjoy women who know what they like and who are not afraid to show it.  Is it possible that doing different things in your sex life with your lover would bring you closer, especially if you both enjoy different things like oral sex?”

                Brook: “I think the man I am with now would enjoy trying new things with me.  He asks if he can ‘go down’ on me or if I would do him.  I always want to say yes, but I just can’t bring myself to let go.  I don't think he would see me... take advantage of me....”

                Dr.T: “What would letting go mean to you?  What would you do?  How would you feel?”  Brook’s face brightens, and her voice strengthens?

                Brook: “First, I wouldn’t be scared of pleasing my man and trying new things.  I would try more of the things I dream of.  I would be me….”

                Dr.T: “That sounds cool.  Accepting self is always cool.  Do you think, before our next session, that you can ask your man to ‘go down’ on you?  Would that be a good start or a good first goal at accepting your desires?"

                Brook: “...I think so.  He would be surprised!  He ight lose his mind if I was aggressive in bed.  Yes (smiling) I think that I can start there….”

Brook and continued to work together to creatively design the life she wanted to live.  Erotically, she wanted to express some of her desires in her lived sexual experiences and not just in fantasies.  However, fear of exposing a true erotic-self got in the way of her pleasure and the pleasure of her boyfriend. 

At the end of our work together, experienced both performing oral sex and receiving with her boyfriend.  She enjoyed cumming and helping her man cum.  She found that she even love the taste of him.  There were still times when she felt “dirty,” but when she shared her entire erotic-self in an environment of love and trust, Brook found her desires to be exciting, pleasurable, and freeing.  She no longer saw herself through her father’s eyes.  She owned and created her erotic identity, one that did not include the judgments of her father.  
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