Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Ben Wa Balls, Bend-Over-Boyfriends and Manhood

I had never heard the term B.O.B before a client of mine shared the term with me over a phone meeting.

“B.O.B.?” I questioned.  I was slightly embarrassed that I had never heard the term.

Bend Over Boyfriend,” said Kevin in almost a whisper.  “I like anal stimulation…, and I like my wife to wear a strap-on dildo and fuck me.  It wasn’t my idea.  She wanted to do it, and now I like it.  And I can’t help but question myself…, my manhood.” 

Manhood.  My time working with and learning from Kevin was time spent reflecting on what it meant to be a man.  Different societies and cultures give different definitions during different periods of time.  What is a man?  At different points in my life, manhood meant different things to me.  At one point, manhood meant being tough; at one point, manhood meant being a good Blackman who earned and who kept his Ongo Bongo hard.  However, if I reduce manhood to paycheck and cock hardness, what happens to my humanity.

An ex-girlfriend of mine, with whom I am still friendly after almost 30 years, once told that I had always been very interested in sex.  She reminded me that we went to sex shop and bought a pair of Ben Wa Balls.  I did not remember, but I had no reason to believe that she was lying.  I do remember trying to negotiate trying anal sex with her way back when.  (I lost the negotiations by the way.)  Thus, I thought we bought Ben Wa Balls with the hope of loosening up our sexual life (I really mean her anus.).  However, in our discussions, she told me that the Ben Wa balls were for my ass.  Do I vaguely remember the notion and the action, or did she plant it in my head, a test to my manhood?  We bought cracked up and argued about whose ass the balls were for.  I may have lost those negotiations too.

I thought about another incident: one of the nastiest ladies I have ever known had the dream of donning a strap-on and buggering me.  She let me do all sorts of nasty things to her, so you know the negotiations were fierce.  I thought if I even let a girlfriend of mine mention the words strap-on, what does that say about my manhood?  Is a man less of a man because he lets his woman deliver a package in the rear? Is a man less of a man if he lets another man deliver a package in the rear?  In the end (pun intended), I experimented with her.  Manhood….

As I reflect on my life and dedication to Sexology, to education, to Life coaching, and to creativity in the name of healing, I realize that I am a nurturer, and I am willing to fight for my position as such in my family.  This role is often considered a feminine one, particularly in western influenced cultures.  I enjoy clothes shopping with my daughters, and often the ladies in my life defer to my sense of style.  I have the heart of a poet.  Manhood….  Now as I learn to earn as writer and sex coach, for the first time, I do not earn as much as or more than my lover, a shock to both my wife's and my system.  Manhood….

I work with a wide range of men now.  They vary in sexual orientation, and they vary in sexual behavior and desire while holding multitudes of different opinions about eroticism.  I hope to assist every one of them who choose to work with me.   I am humbled and honored every time a man or woman walks into my office or gives me a call.  I cannot judge how folk develop sexually.  The only sexual actions that I am against are those associated with oppression, like rape, molestation, slavery, and etcetera.  I cannot define what manhood or womanhood for others.  I can define what manhood is for me. 

Moreover, my definition of manhood and womanhood are not placed on a foundation of erotic activity or gender.  In other words, my definitions are probably best articulated through the notion of human hood.  I find I respect and want to learn most from humans who  love their families, respect their lovers, protect their community, and who understand that they are part of a world culture that is dependent upon the health of the earth.  When I work with individuals, couples, or groups, I come to the table with the following guiding notions:

·         I have love for certain erotic acts that other do not share.  I am okay with that.

·         Others have erotic worlds that do not fit who I am.  I am okay with that. 

·         I do not have the authority or knowledge to objectively evaluate the “correctness” of anyone’s erotic world.   Therefore, I accept them all.

·         I have as much (if not more) to learn from my clients as they do from me.

Kevin and talked about manhood as we worked together.  We looked at ideas about how gender roles can be oppressive, for the stereotypes often leave little room for individuals to be individuals.  Kevin realized that, unconsciously, he had many strong ideas about what it meant to be a man.  His guiding erotic myth for himself did not include male vulnerability, sensitivity, and certainly, no anal stimulation, but he enjoyed all those things at times with his wife.  The dilemma was causing Kevin much grief, affecting his general enjoyment of sex, his performance, and his belief in himself.  Hence, the time we worked together was spent freeing him from what he believed the world needed from him as a man and developing a personal definition of manhood that better aligned with his present reality. 

“Real men do not like their woman to give IT to us.  We are supposed to give IT to them.  It is the way of the world,” said Kevin during one of meetings.  I observed how culture affected his sense of the erotic world.  He made his statements as if there is only one erotic world, one true erotic reality.  I disagree:

“Is that the way of the world?” I asked.

“Sure it is.  Men aren’t takers.  We do the penetrating.”

“I understand what you are saying, but I wonder would you be less of a man if you loved to sew?”


“Yeah.  Sew” I repeated.

“Sewing is a long way from what I am doing.”

“I guess it is if you want to be.  Don’t you decide what makes a man?  Is it possible to be man even if society might not agree with the choices you make?”

“…I think it is….”  He hesitated to answer.

“Do all of your other decisions fit in with what you think society wants?”

“No.  In business, I am sort of a maverick.  Many of my ideas are different than my colleagues.”

“How do you make business decisions?”

“I gather all the information I can, and then listen to my heart I guess.”

“Can’t the decisions about your sex life be more similar to the decisions you make about business.”

“…I think they can,” he said with a slight smile.

Kevin continued to be a bend-over-boyfriend.  He also reported giving up other notions about being a man.  He found enjoyment in talking about how he and his wife felt about moving forward together.  He rarely talked about feelings before he accepted all of himself.  Both he and his wife thought his talking about feelings was an improvement in their relationship.

To me, folks’ erotic worlds are their own; moreover, the erotic world is so important to each individual’s overall well-being that I refuse to attack the erotic worlds of others.  I prefer to assist in helping others except their erotic worlds and improving them in ways that are consistent with their goals, desires, and spirituality.

Dr. T
For more informations about my coaching services, please call 336.662.7777, or email me


Anonymous said...

Well said, I think I might need to make an appointment.

Dr. T. said...

Thank you very much for the support. I am glad you found the writing to enjoyable. Spread to others if you think that it would helpt them. Moreover, I have to say I would be honored to work with you. Give me a call.
Dr. T