Saturday, September 3, 2011

Good Sex Does Not Equal Good Love Part II

Life would be really simple of the first person that gave you a long, strong orgasm was the exact same person that loved you sincerely.  However, if we live long enough, we soon realize that good pee pee and good coochie has very little to do with love.  My last blog post ended with advice from sages, the late Nick Ashford and wife Valerie Simpson, particularly from song Solid.   Let us continue where we left off.

Vision and Faith

You didn’t bat an eye when I made you cry; We knew down the line; We would make it better.  Ashford and Simpson imply that commitment means creating a vision together and having faith even when transformation destroys the “happily ever after” we have imagined.  Remember gray skies should be expected in long-term relationships.  Strong Vision and Faith has lead great countries, businesses, and individuals through hard times since the beginning of written history.  Energizing visions and faith also fortifies relationships because couples with faith and vision know things will get better.

A vision can be defined as a vivid, imaginative conception or anticipation.  Faith can be defined as fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.  It is my belief that a vision, faith, plus deliberate action by both parties strengthen relationships.  As a couple, ask yourselves the following questions:

·        What are our shared values?

·        Does our relationship reflect our values?

·        Do we have a vision of the relationship?

·         Do we have faith in each other? 

·        Do we both take purposeful action to realize a shared vision? 

·        What is something we can do today, (in 90 days, in 180 days, in 1 year, in 5 years) to ensure our relationship connects to our shared values?

Even if your partnership started on the foundation of good sex, it will not last on good sex.  Good sex is similar to good days: they do not last forever.  Perpetual good days do not last over a lifetime, neither does good sex.  Actually, humans are responsible for their good days; we are responsible for directing our lives.  Sex is no different.

          Sheri and Bob Stritof share some values that keep their love partnership together in their article How to Keep Your Sex Life Alive in Your Marriage.  In my opinion, the most important one to remember is “Don't expect your spouse to be the only one in your marriage (partnership) who is responsible for romance. You both need to take responsibility for having an intimate and successful marriage (partnership). 

          Responsibility is not particular to heterosexual couples.  All love relationships whether they be gay, lesbian, polyamorous must have individuals who are responsible for their own sexual pleasure.


And for love’s sake, each mistake, ah, you forgave; And soon both of us learned to trust
Not run away, it was no time to play.  We build it up and build it up and build it up and now we’re solid….
Even though shared vision and faith is important to long-term relationships, there are times when faith is broken or strained because trust is missing. 

I trust my wife, and I work at being trustworthy.  When my wife and I were dating, she lived in Queens, New York, and I lived in Baltimore, Maryland.  She lent me her car while I worked on my doctorate, for I sold my car to pay for graduate school.  Moreover, New York's public transportation was more prevalent.  She trusted me with her car in another state.  While her car was in my possession, I would not let another woman look at her car, let alone ride in it.  I returned the car cleaner than when I received it and full of gas (I'm pretty sure I owed her a week or two of oral sex as well.).  I wanted to show that I was trust worthy and worthy of love.  These small actions of requited trust built a strong foundation for us to continue our relationship.

Be aware: sometimes partners are unaware that trust is broken in the relationship.  Jonathan Robinson, author of Communication Miracles for Couples, gives some simple reminders and actions about how to strengthen and regain trust (book review:$spindb.query.listreview2.booknew.6):

·        Trust is the foundation of a relationship.  It’s helpful to be aware of how well (on a scale of one to ten) your partner trusts you, and you trust your partner.  Always work to keep your trust strong, because once it’s destroyed, it’s hard to repair.

·        Trust can be broken by breaking important agreements with your partner.  When that happens, restore trust by taking responsibility for what you did, apologize, request information on what your partner needs from you, and entrust a new commitment with your partner.

·        Trust can also be damaged by repeatedly hurting your partner in small ways to deal with this, check your partner’s trust thermometer, acknowledge their feelings, clear up misunderstandings by asking “what did you think I meant by that?” and  tell and show your mate how much he means to you.

In my own past, I know that I have broken the trust of somebody with whom I was in committed relationship, and I did not do the work necessary to regain her trust.  In retrospect, I had had enough, and she probably had as well.  We went our separate ways. 

As individuals, we should always evaluate ourselves to assess whether we are willing to put in the individual work to remain solid.  If not, transformation will destroy relationships because our commitments are weak; we have no faith or vision; and we cannot trust our partners, or we ourselves are untrustworthy.

Nwachi (Dr. T.) Tafari

Life and Sex Coach


twitter: @drtsexcoach

1 comment:

Empress said...

Very nice. Important.