Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Humping and Higher Consciousness

There is no part of my career that I love more than helping people move past the shame and embarrassment that some associate with their sexual lives to a more sex-positive position.  As a Sex and Intimacy Coach (I am dropping the “life” title.), I find myself in the enviable position of connecting folk to the spiritual and mental aspects of sex, not just the physical.   Those who work with me know that I am part of a sex-positive movement, and that I regard sexual acts as spiritual acts, the ultimate form of spritual creativity.

Sex and intimacy are not just physical acts.  Life Positive Journalist Parveen Chopra wrote an interesting article entitled Long Seen as the Enemy of the Spirit, Sex is Now Being Used as its Ally.  Chopra writes that our need for sexual acts “lies [in part] in the experience of separateness and the resulting need to overcome the anxiety of separateness by the experience of union.”  In turn, humans can find spirituality through sex and sexuality.  I agree whole heartedly.  This path is not for all, but I always share the spiritual side of sex with my clients.

            Recently, I had the pleasure of coaching a delightful couple, a heterosexual couple in their forties.  They are successful by many people’s standards.  Kelly sold pharmaceuticals and Alex taught high school.  They owned a home in an upper middle class neighborhood and drove German cars.  They are well dressed, highly educated, and attractive individuals.  They were rearing two handsome boys.  As I reviewed their paperwork, I was very interested in talking to them and having our face-to-face session because did not write down with what they wanted help.

            In our first session, both walked into my office, a converted log cabin, looking as if they stepped out of Vogue Magazine.  Kelly was wearing silk in various earth tones.  Alex’s outfit complimented Kelly’s color choices, but his fabric of choice was suede.  They are both lean and tall.  I had to remember that I was a coach for a moment because I just wanted to look at them instead of coach them for a moment or two.  After we sat and all seemed a little relaxed, I started to get to know them more.

            “You two look great today.  I hope you two feel as well as you look,” I said.

            “Thank you,” said Alex with little emotion.

            “Thank you.”  Kelly seemed pleased.

            “How may I serve you two today?  What is our agenda?”  In Sex and Intimacy coaching, clients always create the agenda.

            “He can’t get his dick hard,” said Kelly abruptly.  Her demeanor changed, and Alex cringed as he heard his wife speak.  “He doesn’t make enough money, so he could at least get his dick hard.”  I was taken aback by the pain in her voice, and I was also surprised that Alex had nothing to say.  When I coach couples, it is not my job to coach an individual.  My job is to protect the relationship.  I thought to myself that their relationship lacked spirituality and intimacy, for individuals in a relationship with spirituality and intimacy do not degrade each other or sit silent taking abuse, well… unless that is part of their sex games and exploration.  Alex and Kelly were not playing games.  Although they did not say this in words, I heard both clients wanted a different focus and both were in pain individually.

            “Kelly, Alex is our conversation helping the relationship?”  I asked.

            “No” said Alex.

            Kelly thought for a moment: “I don’t think it is.”

            “What do you need to do for the sake of your relationship?” I asked.  Both Kelly and Alex wanted to talk about what the other needed to do, but I always interrupted the statements that started out with She needs to…. or He needs to….  For the rest of our conversation, only I need to…. statements were allowed. 

From our conversation together, they realized that they both had focused on what the other had done and didn’t do.  In the past, neither one of them took responsibility for the relationship’s troubles.  Kelly blamed Alex for not making enough money even though he loved his job.  She blamed him for his erectile dysfunction.  During our sessions, she admitted she hated her own job and hated him for loving his.  She sacrificed for the family in her opinion.  By the end of our sessions, she took responsibility for her own job choices.  No one, including Alex, had suggested that she take jobs she did not enjoy.  Moreover, she admitted that how she spoke to Alex did not create a loving place.

Alex thought that saying nothing was the best way to deal with his relationship.  He blamed Kelly for the lifestyle that they led, for it required them to make more and more money without an end in sight.  He blamed Kelly for their sex life or lack of it, for he didn’t even care about getting hard anymore: he had no desire to please Kelly sexually.  Moreover, he blamed her for his feelings about being not being good enough.  After our work together, Alex had to admit that his silence was a decision that gave away his power and his ability to act on his own behalf.  He just hoped things would change or end instead of working on his relationship.  Additionally, he never went to see a urologist to explain why he could no longer sustain a hard on.  By the end, he admitted that he had lost love of self at some point.  His loss of self-love had taken him out of the relationship in any meaningful way.

Moreover, together, they lost intimacy because they cared too much about how the world perceived them.  When they had first met, neither of them had much, and they never worried about what others thought of them.  However, as they built successful individual lives and concentrated on the next goal, they lost the spiritual connection that they had for each other. 

          Over the next three months or so, we worked on bringing intimacy and spirituality into their relationship.  Alex and Kelly admitted that they had created personas and paid close attention to appearance, but the things that they acquired in their life together did not bring them happiness.  They went to church and prayed alone, but the modern world seemed to bring them no joy.  There seemed to be no end in sight to the many things that brought stress to their relationship.  The world seemed to be changing so fast that they no longer found meaning in their everyday lives.  Therefore, they wanted to have exercises that brought joy back to their spirits.  Sex and Intimacy coaching is co-creative; in other words, clients and I work together to create plans and experiences that satisfy the clients’ needs. 

Alex and Kelly’s solution plan included the following sexual and spiritual exercises:

·         Marrying, Loving Self Ritual

·         The Spoon Dance

·         The Selfish Lover Exercise

·         Prayer (Christian Faith-Based, Alex and Kelly are Christians)

            Once they found self-love, their spirits were renewed.  Alex visited a urologist to make sure that his erectile dysfunction was not a medical issue.  In his case, it wasn’t.  His erections returned when blame left the relationship and self-love entered.  Kelly stated that she could feel his erections return during the spoon dance exercises.  Unbeknownst to Alex, Kelly thought that he no longer found her attractive, and her thoughts had made her extremely mad.  However, Alex had internalized her anger.  He had become mad at himself, which had killed the pee-pee wiggle.

Kelly and Alex were not so well dressed for our last session, but they glowed, and they were more attractive than they had ever been in my eyes.  Spirituality had returned to their relationship, and they had humped their way to greater intimacy with a higher consciousness.


I am honored to serve you. For one complimentary coaching session, give me a call or shoot me an e-mail.

Your Servant,

Nwachi (Dr. T.) Tafari

Life and Sex Coach


twitter: @drtsexcoach

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Find Yourself; Love Yourself: How The F%@# Did You Get My Lover’s Skin?

If you are in long term relationship long enough, there will be a day that you will look at your partner’s face and think, “Who the hell are you?  What have you done with my lover?  My lover doesn’t think like you, desire the things that you desire, react to my love and words in the manner that you do.  Who the f%@# are you?  Moreover, how the f%@# did you get my lover’s skin….” 

If you haven’t felt that way, then your lover probably has.  Many things can trigger the confusion: new sexual desires, death of a loved one, new job, loss of a job, change in physical ability, new needs... hell, much too much to list.  Many people in my space are going through such times, clients, friends…; to be honest, I am not sure if my lover recognizes me now. 

Failure to recognize isn’t a failure to love.  In my opinion, failure to recognize your lover is the result of two simple things: your lover has change, and/or you have changed.  When working with my clients, at the beginning of our coaching relationship, I make it clear that there is NOTHING you can do to change your partner.  I work with no one trying to change someone else.  If you try to change your partner, you really change yourself.  You lose the ability to see yourself as an individual and imagine goals that are special to just you.  You lose yourself.

How To Find Yourself

Trust me, I know this may sound counterintuitive, but when you have lost yourself in a relationship and no longer recognize your lover, your job is not to find out what pleases your lover.  Your job is to find out what pleases you.  The more effort you put into understanding who your lover is and what your lover needs, the more you will push her or him away.  Furthermore, you will not be any closer to knowing who your lover is.  She or he has to reveal him or herself to you.   THERE IS NO OTHER WAY (sorry for shouting)!  Well, there is no other way that I have come across. 

We observe our partners; however, we place meaning on their actions.  Stacey does not love me because she doesn’t perform oral sex as frequently as she did.  When Kevin is silent, he is mad at me.  As many times as we see our partners behave in a certain manner, we cannot be certain of our assumptions, for our partners’ intentions may not even be close to our assumptions.  Thus, I reiterate: the best thing to do when you no longer know your partner anymore is to get to know how you have changed over time, not to obsess over who your partner has become.

Some of us have been partners so long that we do not know who we are or how to begin finding ourselves.  In the WikiHow article entitled How To Find Yourself, the editors give some pretty good steps (See hyperlink.).  Here are a few:

1.      (Step 3) Let go of the need to be loved by all and accept that some people still think you stink.

2.      (Step 10) Be ready for dead ends.

3.      (Warnings) Be careful, you might not immediately like who you find.

Let go of the need to be loved.  As you find yourself, understand that some of the choices you make for yourself will not endear you to friends, family, associates, co-workers, and etcetera.  Moreover, do not make your changes dependent upon satisfying others or making others love you, even your partner. 

Finding yourself means becoming reacquainted with those things that turn you on; it means finding new things.  It means understanding that finding you may mean letting go of others and giving up the need to please.

           The number of different people with whom we interact in our modern world may be beyond the comprehension of our grandparents, maybe even our parents.  There is no way that we can please them all no matter how hard we try.  You ain’t always gonna make your momma proud either.  In addition, if your momma demands that you make her proud all of the time, she probably needs to find herself again or maybe for the first time.

Be ready for dead ends.  Finding yourself means trying new things.  It means sucking a cock when you have been licking pussy or licking a pussy when you loved sucking cock…. Well, you do not have to go that far. 

On the other hand, you do have to allow yourself to be open to new experiences.  Some experience you won’t enjoy or won't want to do ever again.  That is alright.  If you do find an experience that you don’t like or even a string of experiences you do not enjoy, do not do them again. Your dead ends aren’t a sign that you should go back to figuring out your partner.  Finding yourself may take time.         

You might not immediately like who you find.  I am still growing on myself.  For years, I had looked at my notions about sex, sexuality, and spirituality as negatives, things of which to be ashamed.  As I found myself, I looked at my notions again.  As if I were taking them out of a chest after years of being locked away.  Now, as a sex coach and life coach, I find my notions are empowering and humanistic.  I love me.

Many of us lock away parts of ourselves in long-term relationships because we think the act will keep the peace or be better for the relationship.  Contrarily, locking away parts of yourself changes who you were when you met your partner.  Pushing aside parts of yourself may actually turn your partner off.  (WikiHow has another article that may also be of use in finding yourself entitled How To Recreate Your Life).

Finding yourself may mean letting others go, sometimes your partner.  In the article How To Let Someone Go, the editors included information concerning how to let go of someone who has unfortunately passed away, how to let go of loved ones, and how to let go of an intimate relationship.  The entire article is useful, yet our main concern is letting go of an intimate partnership.  A few of the editors’ tips follow (Also see hyperlink above):

1.      (Step 1) Do not get up the morning after a fight, or a disagreement, and decide that you want to break up

2.      (Step 3) Write down the reasons for wanting to break up

3.      (Step 6) Make it a clean break, do not tell them that you can still be friends (although, it may work out that you CAN still be friends) or that maybe you can go to a movie together once in a while

Do not get up the morning after a fight, or a disagreement, and decide that you want to break up.  Do not wait for 'happily-ever-after". Fairytales are for children. Relationships for grown folk require more than just love.  Hence, before you decide that finding yourself also includes moving on without your partner, make sure that you are not just angry or that your feelings are just hurt or that you didn’t have an orgasm lately.  Truly consider your relationship.  Are there outside influences that are killing the love:

·         Bills

·         Children

·         Pressure from racism, sexism, heteroism (Heteroism is prejudice against people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transexual.), or any other -ism

·         Ex-lovers

·         Tragedy

·         New goals

·         Education

·         Death

The list of outside influences could very well go on forever.  Be honest with yourself as you think about letting go: “Am I better off without my partner, or am I feeling pressure from lack of money or from societal pressures.

            Write down the reasons for wanting to break up.  Really this step is connected to the last one.  As you find yourself, be sure of your own mind and wants.  Make sure that the way you feel is not a passing feeling because once you tell your partner that you do not want to remain in a relationship with him or her, the bell cannot be unrung.  Your partner may not be able to easily forget that you wanted to leave. 

Make it a clean break.  If you find that it is time to move on, move on.  Trying to remain friends with a partner while you move forward rarely helps your ex-lover/new friend.  If he or she still has romantic feelings for you, you actually may be torturing her or him.  Ttrying to hold on may be a result of your own selfishness or your inability to move forward without a crutch.

Who the f%@# has your partner become?  Really, that doesn’t f%@#ing matter.  There is nothing you can do about how your lover has changed.  However, you can find yourself, and figure out who the f%@# you have become.  The journey into self is a spiritual one that may lead you down many dead end roads.  You might not like who you find, and you may find that some of those folk you love cannot follow you down the path you choose for yourself.  Therefore, finding you is not some rosy trip filled with talking animal guides; catchy, magical songs; or happily ever afters.  Finding yourself is filled with growth, increased self-esteem, and self-acceptance.  Find yourself; love yourself: f%@# happily ever after.

I am honored to serve you. For one complimentary coaching session, give me a call or shoot me an e-mail.

Your Servant,

Nwachi (Dr. T.) Tafari

Life and Sex Coach


twitter: @drtsexcoach

Monday, September 12, 2011

Gender role Issues: A world-wide 69 might cure that

All sex involving consenting adults is good sex to me.  I have had a lot of sexual experiences, and there are a lot of sexual experiences I haven’t had.   From my experiences, I have found that one of my favorite positions is a good ol' nasty 69.  Why?  Well, in a 69, there is no role to play.  You give as well as you get.  In good ol' doggie style, I feel like I am dominating.  When the wife is jumping up and down on me like a cowgirl, I feel like her meat or play thing.  I love both roles, but in a 69, I feel as if I have to concentrate on my lover’s wants at the same time and to the same level as she concentrates on mine.  When it's really good, I feel like our gender roles fall away. 

Male Gender Roles
As a man, I think society looks at me as if I am less of a parent than my wife or any woman.  Those who know me also know that it is very important to me to be a good parent.  Before my wife and I ever married, I told her that if we ever married and divorced that I would want joint custody and that I would be willing to fight for joint or full custody.
            Even though I have a strong commitment to being a good parent, I am constantly asked questions and hear statements that reflect society’s view of men and parenthood.  My personhood is lost:
            “Your wife dresses your daughter very well.”  When the kids are with me, I probably picked out their clothes and dressed them.

            “You’re babysitting the girls today?” I do not babysit my own kids.  Do women babysit their own kids?
            Such comments annoyed me so much that my wife had to get me a tee-shirt that reads: “Real fathers need no instructions.”  I wear the shirt very proudly. 

            Furthermore, male sexuality is stunted and compromised by male gender roles.  (I addressed this subject matter in my blog post Men are Bytches.)  In the blog Queers United, the author shares how the media enforces the traditional male gender roles that stunt male growth: “MillerCoors a beer company marketing its Miller Lite brand has created two commercials that embraces sexist and transphobic ideas.”  I will not lie: I had laughed at the commercials when first aired, but as of late, I have looked at them as sending out racialized, homophobic images of manhood, while using both men and women to reinforce the stereotypes.

Much of the violence perpetrated against the LGBTQ community stems from folk trying to maintain traditional gender roles.  The above hyperlink connects you to a blog post that provides some discouraging statistics centered on hate crimes against the LGBTQ community.  The author of the blog shares the following:

Violence against LGBT people, queer identifying and the same-sex attracted are actions which may occur either at the hands of individuals or groups, or as part of governmental enforcement of laws targeting people who are perceived to violate heteronormative rules and who contravene protocols of gender roles. People who are mistakenly perceived to be LGBT may also be targeted.

I know this to be true.  As a heterosexual youth, I never wanted to be mistaken as a member of the gay or bisexual community.  Now I couldn’t give a fuck what anyone on the planet thinks of my sexuality or the sexuality of those I love.  (Did I use fuck again in my writing?  I need a timeout. My youngest daughter will join me.)

That's better.
One the other hand, growing up in New York during the beginnings of Hip Hop and a crack epidemic, I saw firsthand what it means to transgress traditional gender roles.  I am guilty of creating a persona that was not authentic to protect myself from ridicule and violence. 
            No one ever accused me of being gay or bisexual.  My persona protected me.  I hid the fact that I really wasn’t interested in playing sports too much and that I enjoyed reading and writing poetry, watched show tunes, cried at sad movies.   I found that being my true self was too “soft” for my world.  My brother reinforced such notions.  My brother perpetrated violent acts against me with the hope of making me tough.  He often said that my mother, a single parent, had made us too soft, so by giving me occasional beatings, he hoped that I would be able to protect myself against some of the pressures that he himself faced concerning being a man. 

My youthful awkwardness with women, my brother’s “lessons” concerning manhood, and the strangeness of my true self to my community gave me the energy and anger to create a new me.  I was respected as a drug dealer and angry man but not as a poet.

One the website entitled UN Women, I found the found the following information regarding women and gender (hyperlink above):

Women bear a disproportionate burden of the world’s poverty. Statistics indicate that women are more likely than men to be poor and at risk of hunger because of the systematic discrimination they face in education, health care, employment and control of assets. Poverty implications are widespread for women, leaving many without even basic rights such as access to clean drinking water, sanitation, medical care and decent employment. Being poor can also mean they have little protection from violence and have no role in decision making.

Women have been very vocal concerning the issues of gender and how they affect the lives we live.  Having been raised by women and now rearing young women, I have had and still have a front row seat to many of the issues connected to gender and gender roles. 

My oldest daughter hates dresses.  She loves other things that are considered feminine: getting her hair done, wearing earrings, and wearing sweet smelling lotions and perfumes.  She dreams of being a scientist or mathematician though, which have been historically considered man’s work.  Nothing would give me greater joy than to see her kick ass and become one of the greatest scientific minds in the world (I might need another time out.)  As a result, I am very protective of the person that she is becoming.  As far as I am concerned, she never has to wear a dress again (Though she looks cute in them.)

My personal beliefs about gender roles are reflected in my coaching practice.  A client of mine, Josey, came to me full of anger.  She is an ambitious African American woman, educated, heterosexual, and recently divorced.  Her job required her to be in charge and make tough decisions all day.  I worked with her for a few months, and much of her anger subsided.  However, she still held some anger that was connected to gender roles:

            “I want to work on my feminine qualities some,” said Josey at the beginning of one of our meetings.

            “Work on your feminine qualities?  Can you tell me more?”  I asked.

            “I am not sure what to say.  I just feel like I am not feminine enough sometimes,” she replied.

            “Feminine enough for what?”

            “For men.  At my job.”

            Josey was in turmoil because the role society gave her at birth didn’t quite fit with her real self.  She wanted to create a persona to fit in better.  She felt that a new persona would help her dating life and work life.  I am the first to admit that much our true selves can be hidden in a persona.  Additionally, our personas can be very successful for us.  Contrarily, personas almost always crumble under some sort of pressure, and our true selves are exposed.  Personas are ultimately more dangerous than good, for once our personas crumble and once we are left exposed, our fake worlds often crumble with our personas.  Josey and I created plans to create a life that fit her true self instead of creating a fake life based on some constructed, unattainable image of what women are supposed to be.

As a result of my belief concerning gender roles, I never help clients create new personas to better fit it.  If creating a new persona is what you want to achieve, then I am not be the right coach for you.  If you want to create a new life that best fits your true self, then I am the perfect coach for you.   

            I still wish I could get as many people as possible, regardless of sexual orientation, to willingly find someone of the opposite sex and engage in a 69.  As you both came, lips covered with cum, I think you'd realize that women and men are humans, nothing more, nothing less.

I am honored to serve you. For one complimentary coaching session, give me a call or shoot me an e-mail.

Your Servant,

Nwachi (Dr. T.) Tafari

Life and Sex Coach


twitter: @drtsexcoach

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I Choose the LGBTQ Community over the Bible: Am I Hell Bound?

Would I Care? by Nwachi (Dr. T) Tafari

I wonder….

if I had a box

large enough

to cover





for a hole,

a tremendous hole,

large enough to poke out

my entire cock,

except for my rocks,

would I know whose


lips drank of me?













(Scratch Lesbian.)

As I came,

would I care?

I grew locks and eat as the Old Testament dictates to be closer to my notions of the Creator.  However, I will never, not for one moment denounce one person from the LGBTQ community based on their sexuality.  Some folk close to me have told me that I should openly denounce folk based on their sexuality; moreover, if I don’t, then I going against God.  Then I am hell bound for sure because I believe in my clients’ humanity more than I believe in the testament of the bible or in any religion. 

Many of my clients have come from the LGBTQ community; moreover, many of them come to my office feeling ashamed of who they are.  Being ashamed of self comes with psychological consequences.  Dr. Beverly Greene, author of the chapter African American Lesbians and Gay Men: Life Between a Rock and a Hard Place, writes “Psychological health is predicated on the acceptance and integration of the disparate elements of the self and family, in both the biological and nation or ethnic sense.”  In other words, human sanity is dependent upon us taking the different parts of self and accepting all of self.  I urge all of my clients to love and accept themselves at all cost.  Loving self is the most important human, spiritual act in my humble opinion.  Loving self is loving the Creator's creation.

The folk of the LGBTQ community who were raised on Christian values or who remain Christian all have probably heard or read Leviticus 18:22.  Many conservative Christians have used this particular scripture to denounce certain sexual practices and loving relationships, label them as sins.  Interestingly enough, there is more than one version of that particular scripture; moreover, in older versions of the bible deep, emotionally charged same sex relationships exist among the chosen, which some scholars interpret as sexual in nature.

In understanding the bible, all Christians must read and interpret the bible for themselves.  I have read the bible from cover to cover, and I believe parts of it to be bullshit, written to oppress.  The following passage was used during slavery to keep the practice of slavery Godly and legal:

However, you may purchase male or female slaves from among the foreigners who live among you. You may also purchase the children of such resident foreigners, including those who have been born in your land. You may treat them as your property, passing them on to your children as a permanent inheritance. You may treat your slaves like this, but the people of Israel, your relatives, must never be treated this way. (Leviticus 25:44-46 NLT)
Sounds like bullshit to me.  Excuse me for the cursing, for cursing is not language that I like to represent who I am; however, I want you to know exactly where I stand.  The Creator has given me the ability to coach as a gift, and it would be a sin to withhold a gift from humans in need.

            I truly hope that I am not hell bound, for hell doesn’t sound like a cool place to be.  On the other hand, I am willing to risk my soul on the notion that denying any people based on race, gender, sexual orientation, physical ability, age,… from the healing practices is the quickest and surest way to hell.

I am honored to serve you. For one complimentary coaching session, give me a call or shoot me an e-mail.

Your Servant,

Nwachi (Dr. T.) Tafari

Life and Sex Coach


twitter: @drtsexcoach