Sex and intimacy are not just physical acts. Life Positive Journalist Parveen Chopra wrote an interesting article entitled Long Seen as the Enemy of the Spirit, Sex is Now Being Used as its Ally. Chopra writes that our need for sexual acts “lies [in part] in the experience of separateness and the resulting need to overcome the anxiety of separateness by the experience of union.” In turn, humans can find spirituality through sex and sexuality. I agree whole heartedly. This path is not for all, but I always share the spiritual side of sex with my clients.
Recently, I had the pleasure of coaching a delightful couple, a heterosexual couple in their forties. They are successful by many people’s standards. Kelly sold pharmaceuticals and Alex taught high school. They owned a home in an upper middle class neighborhood and drove German cars. They are well dressed, highly educated, and attractive individuals. They were rearing two handsome boys. As I reviewed their paperwork, I was very interested in talking to them and having our face-to-face session because did not write down with what they wanted help.
In our first session, both walked into my office, a converted log cabin, looking as if they stepped out of Vogue Magazine. Kelly was wearing silk in various earth tones. Alex’s outfit complimented Kelly’s color choices, but his fabric of choice was suede. They are both lean and tall. I had to remember that I was a coach for a moment because I just wanted to look at them instead of coach them for a moment or two. After we sat and all seemed a little relaxed, I started to get to know them more.
“You two look great today. I hope you two feel as well as you look,” I said.
“Thank you,” said Alex with little emotion.
“Thank you.” Kelly seemed pleased.
“How may I serve you two today? What is our agenda?” In Sex and Intimacy coaching, clients always create the agenda.
“He can’t get his dick hard,” said Kelly abruptly. Her demeanor changed, and Alex cringed as he heard his wife speak. “He doesn’t make enough money, so he could at least get his dick hard.” I was taken aback by the pain in her voice, and I was also surprised that Alex had nothing to say. When I coach couples, it is not my job to coach an individual. My job is to protect the relationship. I thought to myself that their relationship lacked spirituality and intimacy, for individuals in a relationship with spirituality and intimacy do not degrade each other or sit silent taking abuse, well… unless that is part of their sex games and exploration. Alex and Kelly were not playing games. Although they did not say this in words, I heard both clients wanted a different focus and both were in pain individually.
“Kelly, Alex is our conversation helping the relationship?” I asked.
“No” said Alex.
Kelly thought for a moment: “I don’t think it is.”
“What do you need to do for the sake of your relationship?” I asked. Both Kelly and Alex wanted to talk about what the other needed to do, but I always interrupted the statements that started out with She needs to…. or He needs to…. For the rest of our conversation, only I need to…. statements were allowed.
From our conversation together, they realized that they both had focused on what the other had done and didn’t do. In the past, neither one of them took responsibility for the relationship’s troubles. Kelly blamed Alex for not making enough money even though he loved his job. She blamed him for his erectile dysfunction. During our sessions, she admitted she hated her own job and hated him for loving his. She sacrificed for the family in her opinion. By the end of our sessions, she took responsibility for her own job choices. No one, including Alex, had suggested that she take jobs she did not enjoy. Moreover, she admitted that how she spoke to Alex did not create a loving place.
Alex thought that saying nothing was the best way to deal with his relationship. He blamed Kelly for the lifestyle that they led, for it required them to make more and more money without an end in sight. He blamed Kelly for their sex life or lack of it, for he didn’t even care about getting hard anymore: he had no desire to please Kelly sexually. Moreover, he blamed her for his feelings about being not being good enough. After our work together, Alex had to admit that his silence was a decision that gave away his power and his ability to act on his own behalf. He just hoped things would change or end instead of working on his relationship. Additionally, he never went to see a urologist to explain why he could no longer sustain a hard on. By the end, he admitted that he had lost love of self at some point. His loss of self-love had taken him out of the relationship in any meaningful way.
Moreover, together, they lost intimacy because they cared too much about how the world perceived them. When they had first met, neither of them had much, and they never worried about what others thought of them. However, as they built successful individual lives and concentrated on the next goal, they lost the spiritual connection that they had for each other.
Over the next three months or so, we worked on bringing intimacy and spirituality into their relationship. Alex and Kelly admitted that they had created personas and paid close attention to appearance, but the things that they acquired in their life together did not bring them happiness. They went to church and prayed alone, but the modern world seemed to bring them no joy. There seemed to be no end in sight to the many things that brought stress to their relationship. The world seemed to be changing so fast that they no longer found meaning in their everyday lives. Therefore, they wanted to have exercises that brought joy back to their spirits. Sex and Intimacy coaching is co-creative; in other words, clients and I work together to create plans and experiences that satisfy the clients’ needs.
Alex and Kelly’s solution plan included the following sexual and spiritual exercises:
· Prayer (Christian Faith-Based, Alex and Kelly are Christians)
Once they found self-love, their spirits were renewed. Alex visited a urologist to make sure that his erectile dysfunction was not a medical issue. In his case, it wasn’t. His erections returned when blame left the relationship and self-love entered. Kelly stated that she could feel his erections return during the spoon dance exercises. Unbeknownst to Alex, Kelly thought that he no longer found her attractive, and her thoughts had made her extremely mad. However, Alex had internalized her anger. He had become mad at himself, which had killed the pee-pee wiggle.
Kelly and Alex were not so well dressed for our last session, but they glowed, and they were more attractive than they had ever been in my eyes. Spirituality had returned to their relationship, and they had humped their way to greater intimacy with a higher consciousness.
I am honored to serve you. For one complimentary coaching session, give me a call or shoot me an e-mail.
Nwachi (Dr. T.) Tafari
Life and Sex Coach