Monday, August 22, 2011

Threesomes and Other Life Changing Events


Many of my clients, couples and individuals, come to me with hidden fantasies that they want to live out.  These fantasies run the gambit; however, swinging, having sex with someone of the same gender, having threesomes, participating in group sex, and/or having an open relationship are at the top of the lists for most folk.  I believe that humans should experiment sexually if they feel it in their souls.  The path of sexual evolution is a fantastic journey filled with spirituality, passion, danger, self-learning, self-loathing, and self-loving.  The path of sexual evolution has much to teach folk; however, this path also has the power to change our lives so quickly that our heads spin.  I warn my clients to explore themselves and their feelings before fulfilling fantasies, for sexual exploration can destroy a couple or an individual, literally and figuratively.  Exploring sexually has changed me in ways that made me grow into an empathetic sex coach and in ways that damaged the best parts of me. 

It may be hard for you to believe, but I was a believer in monogamy.  I grew up on the romantic ideal.  Prior to my first threesome, I was an old romantic, and I placed women above men, as if they had some greater-than-human capacity for goodness, loyalty, and faithfulness.    I think I must have read too much Maya Angelou or Zora Neale Hurston; watched too much Waiting to Exhale, Tyler Perry movies, and the Oxygen Channel; and listened to too much Anita Baker and Luther Vandross.  I was caught up in the goodness of women and the sanctity of love.  I dreamed of being the “dream man” for some beautiful woman, of being a knight in shining armor. 

            Sexual Exploration

I lived with and loved a beautiful woman.  I’ll call her Scorpio.  Like many of the woman I have dated and loved, she was highly sexual.  Contrarily, our relationship was long-term, so I also know that we had reached a point where we had fallen into routine.  I still thought she was beautiful though.  Her skin was a mixture of roses and chocolate, a swirling red- brown.  The kind of red-brown found in women from Ethiopia, Eretria, India, and some Middle Eastern countries although some good ‘ol African American women have this same color: my mom did; Scorpio did. 

Scorpio had explored some of her sexuality as a teen, but in her adult life, she concentrated on succeeding, graduate school, her family, and the needs of others.  I think she forgot to explore herself, her spirituality, her demons, and her joy.  In retrospect, I wish I could have been more helpful in her exploration.  However, I probably was too busy pursuing success too, working on my masters, and becoming an English professor.  In addition, I was diagnosed as bipolar or suffering from manic-depressive illness.  My mood and energy level always fluctuated drastically, but this was the first time that I had ever taken the time to find out more about who I am and with what I battled for as long as I can remember.  I turned inward and focused on my mental health for a period.  My turning inward left Scorpio alone in way….  I guess.   She also suffered from her inability to help me.

I really wanted to help her, but I cannot take the journey of self-reflection for anyone else: no one can.  Instead of inward reflection, she explored outward.  In other words, she found out more about herself by interacting with others, but I am sure that finding out more about herself was not her conscious goal.

After a particularly hard academic semester for Scorpio and me both, the death of a childhood friend lead her back home to Atlanta for a few weeks.  When she returned, she was different.  Maybe I had never taken as good of a look at her as I should have.  My alternating periods of depression and mania, the death of a friend, graduate school, and the pursuit of the fucking American dream (Did I say fucking out loud?) started Scorpio on a path that took my breath away and changed us both forever.

“Do you want an open relationship?” she asked me kinda of casually a few days after she returned home. 

“What?!”  I was shocked.  We had discussed going to sexy workshops and nude beaches to keep the spice in our relationship alive, but if my memory serves me correctly, she and I never discussed having an open relationship.  In addition, Scorpio had previously been jealous of any female friends that I had.  She always told me that I should show other women that I was NOT available.  By doing so, I would be showing her respect, but now, there she stood, asking me if I wanted an open relationship as if she were asking me about my day at work.

“Did you fuck somebody?  Is there someone you have in mind already?”  I was angry, and my pride was hurt.  My world at that moment actually turned upside down.  I had never been in an open relationship in my life.  I never wanted open relationship, threesomes, orgies, none of that.  I had always wanted a one-on-one, freaky as hell relationship.  On the other hand, I knew that coming to me with her desire took a lot.  Sharing her hidden desires meant to me that she loved and trusted me though I was in pain.  I also had enough experiences under my belt and enough human empathy to understand that desires are personal.  They are not to be ridiculed, laughed at, beaten down, or ignored.  Not every desire needs to be acted upon, but they should be accepted as part of us.  Lastly, I realized that I was being given a freedom that I had never had prior to that moment

The next year or so of our relationship, I found out many things about myself and Scorpio.  She found out many things about me.  Scorpio admitted that she had lied to me and that she had someone in mind with whom she wanted to have sex.  I shed some tears in front of her, and I shed many alone.  I was grateful for the truth though.  I am one who would rather be in pain with the truth than live a lie.

We explored an open relationship.  We took part in a couple (or more) threesomes and foursomes.  I saw her interact with other men and women.  I saw her have organisms that were reached without my help, but with the assistance of others.  I saw her sexual desire center on someone else other than me.  I saw her look at others in the same passionate way that had been my gift alone.

Gains and Loses

            I allowed myself to be changed by my relationship with Scorpio.  That is my own fault, yet I gained much more than I lost.  I lost my romantic view of the world and women.  I realized that they could be liars and disloyal.  I lost a belief in monogyny that I had had before.  Love songs and romantic comedies became bullshit; rather, I lost my enjoyment of them.  My definition of soul mate changed.  I lost the notion that my pee-pee was special.  I lost the notion that paying bills, being faithful, and being in love was enough to keep someone else happy.  I mourn for the man I lost.

            On the other hand, I gained more than I lost.  I regained the love of me.  I am special to me.  At no point ever again will I try to make someone else happy.  In addition, both men and women became human.  Men were no longer some one-dimensional, pussy hunger, unfaithful devils, and women were no longer angels.  They fell to earth and joined the rest of humanity.

            I gained sexual experiences that most humans never have.  I gained freedom and a respect for all humans.  Scorpio struggled and learned much about herself and her own spirit; as a result, I realized that sexual exploration is just another form of spiritual exploration.   Sexual exploration, like all of human exploration, is filled with highs and lows.  Many folk may get stuck on the path, just like many of us get stuck on the path of blindly following religion, mindlessly using drugs, or endlessly acquiring knowledge through books.  The path is not important, for the spirit is always with you.  There is nowhere to hide.  Scorpio gave me this gift.

            My Greatest Gift: Life and Sex Coaching

My greatest spiritual gift from my sexual exploration has been the profession of Life and Sex Coaching.  My experiences with Scorpio opened my eyes: I saw how fulfilling desires can be simultaneously beautiful and devastating. 

            I lived the jealousy, the uncertainty, the shame, the embarrassment, and the freedom of the sexual path.  I have felt the pull and the danger of remaining on the sexual path too long.  The journey gave me an abundance of love for my clients and a burning desire to assist them with their lives.  I have empathy for those humans whose sexual worlds have affected their entire beings, for those who find that they hide themselves.   I no longer have the luxury of being able to judge someone’s life as if my life is some nice fairytale.  My clients have the benefit of working with a human who simply loves other humans and wants to see them grow into the very best that that they can be.    In the sessions with my clients, I provide them with a servant who is blessed to serve them and an environment that is safe for them to reflect on all aspects of their lives in a holistic fashion.



For a free coaching session, make an appointment with me by e-mailing drtafari@triad.rr.com or nwachi@tafariconsulting.com.  A touch can change the world.

Your servant Dr. Nwachi Tafari

4 comments:

Empress said...

Open. Honest. Insightful. Thank you for sharing.

Dr. T. said...

I truly appreciate the support.

Anonymous said...

You put so many of my own feels into words. Thank you for sharing and opening up to something most of us won't admit, don't understand and/or are too afraid to act on.

Dr. T. said...

Thank you very much. I am glad I am able to express some of the feelings you have inside. You have given me extra strength to continue my work.

Please continue to read, comment, and share the blog with other sex positive people. Thank once again.