One day an ex-girlfriend of mine wanted to wear a strap-on to bed and… Wait… for a moment, I thought I was still writing about the male anus. That is for another post.
Annnny Who…! I have gone from being a drug dealer to the first division chair of developmental education for Guilford Technical Community College to being a certified Life and Sex Coach. How does one move from one story to the next? Live life. I have had what I thought were successes; I have had what I thought were failures. Now the successes and the failures are equal, just learning experiences. However, I reached points on my path when I knew I was drifting away from my own being, my own soul. At such times in my life, I had to take charge and re-write my life. My coaching mentor, Dr. David Krueger, taught me his coaching theories, particularly concerning creating new lives as individuals and couples. Dr. Krueger taught and reminded me that humans are the authors of their own lives. Hence, humans have the ability to create the lives they imagine if they are willing to take responsibility for their own lives.
We are the writers of our own stories. Additionally, if we want the life of which we dream, we have to take responsibility for the past and the present as well as take responsibility for the things we can control in our own futures. Moving from homeboy to sex coach has been many chapters. I have had to end some stories and begin others to become one unified soul.
Now I am Sex Coach. According to Dr. Britton, sex coaching is a mix of the following elements:
· Personalized sexuality information and education
· Redirective cognitive processes and mental reframing
· Emotional balancing
· Intuitive guidance
· Behavioral training
· Resources and referrals
Moreover, Dr. Britton shares that sex coaching involves all parts of an individual:
· Mind. Information. Your "self-talk," thinking about sexual performance, capacity for fantasy, and troubling thought patterns, such as compulsivity.
· Emotions. Feelings. Feelings that you carry from the past, about your body and body image, what you suppress and express, how you express your emotions, and your capacity for intimacy.
· Body and body image issues. Your physical self. Knowing how your own sexual pattern works, understanding your own body's sexual architecture and function, acknowledging your own sexual functions and dysfunctions, and learning skills for how to be a successful lover alone or with a partner.
· Energy. Sex is all about energy! The buildup, the containment, and the expression of energy.
· Spirit. The essence of self. Esoteric moments or practices that transcend the moment, such as peak orgasms; sacred sexuality; the more subtle and delicate manner in which people deny or reflect their inner self through sexuality; and the path of sex to experience the divine or God.
In 1987, I planned to vote for Eric B for president, and crack hit Long Island. A few years prior, I watched one of my boys get punched in the eye in front of a good portion of our junior high school. I also watched a girl spit in his hair because he thought she was pretty and nice: she thought him a nerd. He wasn’t “cool.” He wore a Michael Jackson Thriller-style jacket. In my neighborhood, Michael was cool; wearing Michael’s jacket to school was not. I wasn’t cool either. However, I was lucky enough to have an older brother that loved to fight me (sarcasm). He outweighed me by at least 50 or 60 pounds our entire childhood. Thus, I was always in training for a heavyweight bout; in addition, I gained a little nasty attitude. Something most nerds didn’t have.
In other words, chances are, if I got punched in the eye or some “ignant” girl spat in my hair, I would lose my mind. I would use my fist quickly, which is also very unnerdly. I remember saying to myself as my boy wiped the spit globules from his hair: “That ain’t never gonna be me!”
By the time crack entered the neighborhood, I had totally transformed myself into a persona that I thought society would respect and fear. I didn’t think being ME was enough. I sold crack and used it. I loved it, and I lost myself. I couldn’t hear my soul talking to me anymore.
I remember driving to Brooklyn with a few homeboys, speeding on the Southern State Parkway. We had crack orders: We in the car and a few others put our money together, so we could buy as much crack as we could. Thus, folk were waiting for us when we got back to Long Island. We met at (well, I’ll call him Rakim) Rakim’s house. I guess about ten to twelve guys sat dividing up the product and smoking blunts: some filled with marijuana; some filled with marijuana and crack. Dealers of various statuses sat around the table. I was smalltime, new to the game.
Rakim was the big dog in the room, and he showed it. While the rest of us shared what we smoked with each other, Rakim smoked blunts by himself. He also snorted coke from a plastic baggy holding some powder and a coke stone: not a rock, a stone. Between snorts and puffs, Rakim leaned towards me and asked did I know how to resuscitate a heart. He held his chest for a moment then said never mind and started smoking again. At that moment, I knew that I moved away from the person that I wanted to be. My poetry was dead. I regularly missed school. I needed to move closer to who I wanted to be.
Rewrite: Changing My Nouns
Nouns are persons, places, things, and ideas. If you want to change you, change your nouns. If you change the people with whom you associate, change the places you go, the things on which you place value, and the ideas you follow, you will be a different person.
I changed my nouns. Changing my nouns was not an easy task, but it was a necessary one. I had no choice but to change my nouns. The life I wanted would not simply come to me like children to the Pied Piper. The essence of changing or rewriting a life is taking control of behavior
I stopped hanging around Rakim. Gave up the dealing. While others were getting out of school early in their senior year, I filled my last year of high school with physics, journalism, and a Saturday SAT prep course. Stopped smoking crack. At one point, I did not think that I was going to finish high school, but somehow I made it to college. I left New York to change my nouns even more. At Morgan State University, I was a new being. No one knew me. I could create whoever I wanted to be. Hell, after a while, my peers saw me as a great thinker and writer, an intellectual. Moreover, when I returned home one Thanksgiving break, I saw Rakim. He was standing in the pouring rain, looking at the ground. I drove by him without stopping. Rakim broke Biggie’s crack commandment:#4 never get high on your own supply. He was a crack head. Now he is dead. Before I changed my nouns, I myself was on the path to crack-head world.
Division Head of Developmental Education for Guilford Technical Community College
I resigned from Guilford Technical Communty College (GTCC) in 2009 after close to fifteen years of working as a developmental educator. I was given the choice to resign or to be fired. Why? I had placed myself in position to be forced out because I had porn on my work laptop and some nasty pictures of my wife, nice pictures. I couldn’t believe it. Such behavior was against the rules, but GTCC had employees that were accused of sexual harassment of students and found guilty, but keep their gigs. One professor spoke openly about giving head to his wife in class and asked the students if he had hair in his teeth. Funny? Yes. Appropriate? Hell to the no. He kept his job.
At the time I resigned, I felt there were many people at the college with their heads caught between their own butt cheeks; however, I cannot write a new story as long as I refuse to take credit for my life, my decisions, and my reactions.
For a lifetime, I have tried to move up the social ladder. I had been very successful up to that point. I supervised over one hundred employees, and most of the student that entered that college took a course within my division. There was only one African American man that had a higher position than I; moreover, I reported directly to the Vice President of Academic Affairs. I felt powerful and important and like fecal matter.
I was suffering from depression. My wife and I hardly knew each other anymore, and I had created a persona that embodied very little of who I am. On the other hand, the persona I had created and the pursuit of more money was killing me. Those who knew me then know that the students were the most important people on the campus to me. They were the ones to name me Dr. T. They came to my office with every situation one can encounter in life. They came to me because I believed in their in ability to succeed against ALL odds, which is the essence of coaching and developmental education. I was no star in any other aspect of my job, but I coached all who came to my office: students, faculty, anybody because I love seeing humans overcome and grow. I coached as well as anyone in the entire college: it is my blessing from the Creator.
Rewrite: Responsibility and Freedom
What can I say? I placed masturbation material on my work lab top, which halted my upward mobility. No one was at fault but me. Contrarily, leaving GTCC was the best thing that could have happen to me, for I finally was free. I cried as I emptied my office: ashamed of me, broke, angry, and hurt. Within a few months of self-pity, I realized that I had the opportunity to write a new story, a story in which I was fearless and had no personas. I realized I had the opportunity to reflect on my soul and just be me. When I reflected (still reflecting), I realized that I love coaching folk. I love being a servant to humans as they create their best selves; moreover, I accepted my fascination with spirituality and sex, not just having sex, but every aspect of sex. In my life, sex has played a major role in every romantic relationship that I have had. I also realized many people suffered in silence because their sexual lives were hellish. In those moments of reflection, I mourned, forgave myself, and took responsibility for my life once again.
Dr T. Sex Coach
Since 2009, I have dreamed about who I am and who I wanted to become. As a result, I became a certified life coach and licensed in the New Life coaching paradigm. I went back to school for a second doctorate to do research on coaching, creativity, spirituality, and sexuality. I write again. I am a nerd again (still kick that asphalt though). I admit, as I write this, tears of joy and sorrow stream down my face, for I mourn about losing who I was and who I could have been in my old lives. Moreover, simultaneously, I am ecstatic about meeting me again, about reclaiming my soul, and about writing a new story.
For a free coaching session, email me at email@example.com or call 336.662.7777.
Your servant Dr. Nwachi Tafari