One night, at a college pool party, I watched a bathing suit contest with much interest. There was a male and female best-body contest. I was asked to be in the male contest, but I refused. I couldn’t then. Today, I would grab my nut sling and baby oil, and while doing my best Saturday Night Fever strut, I would enjoy performing in the contest (age specific contests of course).
Alas, it was not meant to be. I didn’t strut my stuff pre-midlife crisis. Hence, instead, I got an eye-full of some beautiful bodies. I was particularly interested in the two finalists in the woman’s contest. They both were fine in my eyes. One young lady I knew. She was a lifeguard and upperclassman. She wore her hair natural in curls that turned into slicked-back, loose waves when they got wet. The other young lady I did not know. She was long-legged and wore her hair in a Halle Berry cut before Halle did. Actually, her complexion and body shape were similar as well. I didn’t watch the end of the contest. It didn’t matter who won to me. They were both winners if ya know what I am sayin…, but I digress. Two days later, a good girl friend of mine told me that she know of someone who liked me. I was interested:
“Kim,” she said.
“I don’t know no Kim.” Use of double negatives increases when I am excited.
“Kim is the one who won the best-body contest.” --My God the dead had arisen: I giggled like Oprah in the Color Purple. I took Kim’s number, and I immediately went out, leaving kim’s number home. I was playing it cool. I returned home in the early morning hours. There was a message on my answering machine (old Skool tech):
“Call me no matter how late you get home. Kim.” I called her, and we talked for hours. We talked about life, sex, dreams,… all that good stuff. Kim asked me stuff like what hadn’t I done in bed. I thought and replied: “Anal sex, threesome, and so on. We talked about how we grew up. We shared our experience of being raised by hardworking mothers, without the benefit of our fathers in the homes. We also made a date for the next night. I sent her flowers, and picked her up from work. She looked great. That was the first time I had seen her fully dressed.
That night at the end of the date, she asked me to masturbate for her. I did. She acted like the act was the greatest thing since Hip Hop. Cooool. The subsequent day she asked me to drive her to work. Kim’s friend drove her to my house. She rushed to my room and shimmied down her pants and panties for good ol’ doggie style, a personal favorite. As I assumed my position, she moved me to the naughty-girl hole, affectively giving me an experience I had never tried. I was P Whupped (insert penis or pussy accordingly. For some... both). Our relationship was fiery: arguments, ex-drug-dealer boyfriends, lies, spiritual depletion, cheating….
Our relationship had no reciprocity: we had no mutual agreement or interdependence concerning needs, behaviors, communication level, exchange of favors, money…. We had sex, albeit good sex; however, in no shape or form was good sex enough to keep us together. Good sex is not enough to sustain long-term relationships, particularly if the couples choose to live together and have children.
Good sex will keep us in a bad place too long, but it rarely sustains us. In some fashion, long-term relationships have to be spiritually renewing, for in 10, 20, 30, 40 years too many good and not-so-good experiences will enter into your relationship. Some of these experiences will be so surprising and life changing that human logic will not provide many answers concerning what to do next.
August 5, 2011 I celebrated my 11th anniversary. We’re still friends. Moreover, my wife and I share some things from the Ten Tips for a Long-term Relationship (use above hyperlink). We laugh. My wife is a great, eager lover (snuck that in). There are no longer any ultimatums in our relationship. We do our best at listening and talking. Moreover, we work at forgiving each other and ourselves. However, I believe the most important part of our relationship is Faith.
Sexually and otherwise, make sure faith is involved in all your relationships. In my own marriage, as individuals, our bodies have changed, our ways of thinking have changed, our dreams have changed, our income has changed, our sexual needs have changed, our location and resources have changed. I think, at this point, the only constants have been faith, respect, and friendship. The respect and friendship are based in faith. In other words, we have faith that our relationship is worthy and worthwhile; moreover, we have faith in each other as individuals that we Fall Down but We Get Up. My wife believes that I am Saint who is a sinner who has fallen down. I believe the same of her. In other words, our prayers are centered on remembering that we are blessings to each other, not on changing each other. The human notion that “Our relationship would be perfect if only he/she would____” lacks faith. This notion shows no faith in our partners’ abilities to bring worthwhile experiences into the relationship. In addition, it places us ourselves in the positions of perfection, as if our own improvements wouldn’t also improve the relationship. Perfect is a destination that none of us will ever reach.
Without faith in each other, relationships often end spiritually: depleted, hopeless, funless, withered, and sexless. Every relationship can improve if two individuals have faith and put in the work towards a relationship that includes reciprocity.
I will never promise someone that coaching will always help repair love partnerships; however, reciprocity is always one of our goals in my practice. All individuals reflect on their own needs and wants, eventually sharing them with their partners. Together they are honest about creating actions to navigate their relationships towards a shared-vision that is centered on their shared needs and wants.
Honesty is a big part of this communication process, as is faith. For our partners to be truly honest with us, they have to have the faith that we will give them a safe place where they can discuss themselves. Moreover, we have to have faith our partners’ honest communication is not designed to hurt us, but to illuminate us. Difficultttttt. I know honest dialog is not always easy to maintain, for our partners do hurt us, and we hurt them without intending to do so.
Often, as a coach, I help partners create a safe place to be honest and actualize a shared vision. The relationship is the client in the couples coaching format, neither individual is going to be found as right and wrong. If physical abuse and/or addiction are part of the relationship, therapy as well as coaching may be necessary. Couples coaching is a good way to reintroduce beautiful touches and joy back into our relationships.
For a free coaching session email Dr. Nwachi Tafari (Dr. T.) at firstname.lastname@example.org or call 336.662.7777 to make an appointment. A touch can change the world.
Your servant Dr. Nwachi Tafari