Thursday, August 4, 2011

Beforeplay Part II

Sex and making love still frighten me in many ways.  There is much I have experienced; there is much I have yet to experience.  I've been great and not so great.  Moreover, the power of bodies touching is spiritual, incredible, frightening.  Those of us who communicate emotion through sex can be danger of losing self.  I have seen good coochie drive men and women wild.  I have known men and women take a beaten over a good penis. Even before my terrifying moment in Beforeplay, I was fascinated by sex.  Sexual images are all around us.  Many of these images create unattainable standards for many people.  The first sexual thing I can remember ever being aware of was watching a porn scene: a threesome, two men, one woman, double penetration… wow.

     My brother is five years older than I am, and we stayed in separate rooms.  His room was on the second floor of our house in Long Island.  Mine was on the first floor.   One particular night I heard my brother and four or five of his friends jog up the stairs.  Both of our rooms were kinda small.  Our beds doubled as couches, so I was very interested in why my brother was piling dudes into his room. I must have been nine I guess.  I very rarely tried to encroach on my brother’s space or his time with his friends.  Such acts came at a high cost.  Therefore, I cannot figure out way I decided to climb the dark stairs of our see what was going on.  At night, our house was quite.  My father did not live with us, and my mother often retreated to her room, figuratively locked away until morning.  The small upstairs was dark except for a glow from under my brother’s room door.  I knocked on the door.  My brother yelled in a whisper, “ Who is it?”   I answered. The door open, and I was whisked into the secret meeting.  The room was dark except for the light from a small reel-to-reel projector on the floor (I'm now officially old.).  I could see shadows of folk, and a voice told me to sit down.  I sat down adjusting to the darkness and the cigarette smoke in the room.  A movie was projected on the wall: a threesome, two men, one woman, double penetration… wow.  I have been fascinated with, feared, respected, and studied sex ever since that day. 
     The body images displayed in porn are truly intoxicating to some (started me on certain path).  Moreover, porn can create some images that are truly intimidating and unrealistic.  In some porn, men are often hung like cows, and generally speaking, men do not get many opportunities to compare their penises to others.  As result, men of all walks of life worry about the size of their members.   If the worry is not faced head on (pun intended), men can recoil from having sex.  Men, all humans, like to be attractive to their partners, so the fear of being too small is a fairly frequent issue in my work with men.

Timothy is white male in his late thirties and openly gay.  Timothy and his partner had been together for ten years and lived together for eight.  They were very much in love; however, for the last year so, their sex life had dropped dramatically….  I have never met Tim face-to-face because our coaching sessions were totally conducted at a distance.  However, Timothy did fill out and share a client info sheet.

            Timothy was totally in love with his partner.  Moreover, his love was reciprocated.  When they first met, they seemed made for each other and their sex life was mutually pleasing.  However, Timothy always felt that he was not well-endowed.  He never shared this fear with his partner, nor did his partner ever complain. 

            Timothy’s fear actually started in junior high school.  He was bullied pretty severly during one year.  Gym was hell.   His “manhood” was questioned.  During one shower after class, he was teased about his body.  The teasing stuck with him.  He thought he had gotten over the past; however, Timothy had gained weight.  Weight gain in men can cause the penis to look smaller (  The change in appearance stopped the flow if intimate feeling Timothy had for his partner.  He did not like to be seen naked anymore.        

            Again, like in Melissa’s case, Timothy and I started from the present and discussed the future he wanted for himself with his partner.  Timothy felt tired from being scared.

            “It seems like it takes more energy to keep making excuses than to actually make love,” Timothy said.

            “Where do you want to spend your energy?” I asked.  There was a long pause on the other end of the phone.  As coach, I have had to learn that silence is beautiful thing in coaching.  I always want to fill silence because I use to always feel awkward in silence.  However, the coaching process focuses on the client.  The client’s silence might be the harbinger of a break through.

            “I want to put my energy in loving me and my partner.”

            “Tim, what would loving you and your partner look like to you?  Into what activities would loving you translate?”  I asked.

            “Loving me would mean getting rid of some of this junk in my trunk.”  I thought I heard Timothy smiling over the phone.

            “What else would it mean?” 

            “I would be open about my fears I guess.  I think accepting myself would help too….  I haven’t been aggressive in bed for a long time.”

            “How would that show self-love?” I asked.  When I am aggressive, I am feeling pretty good about myself.  I think if I am aggressive, I might feel good.”

            “Sounds like a plan.  Let me repeat what I heard you say.  You believe that loving yourself more and showing more love will help you with your fear.  The actions that you are willing to take are:

1.      Create a plan to get lose some weight,

2.      Facing your fear and sharing your fear with your partner, and

3.      Making the first move in bed.

Did I hear correctly?”  Timothy said that I had listened well.  Together we discussed dates for his goals.  In addition, we created a plan for Timothy to find a trainer and begin a wellness program.  The last two goals excited Timothy.  He planned to execute those goals within the next week before our next session. 

            Timothy called me a minute or two before our next appointed time.  He was eager to share that he took his partner to dinner and flirted the entire time.  They came home and made love, following his lead.  They laughed.  He shared his fear.  They cried.  Timothy reported greater energy since he had faced his fear, a burden lifted.  With that extra energy, Timothy found a gym and trainer that suited his needs.


Our past is often filled with words and events that create fears in our lives.  We remember painful events with the hope that we can avoid pain.  On the other hand, pain and joy are part of the human condition.  My fear the first time I stared down a coochie is not crazy.  It’s natural.  I am not always in control how experiences play out, for other people are involved.  However, I can control whether I face my fears.  I can control whether or not I create and execute plans that bring me closer to the man I envision myself.

For a free coaching session, in person or at a distance, email Dr. T. at or call 336.662.7777. 

Your servant Dr. Nwachi Tafari

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