Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Good Sex does not Equal Good Love Part I


Our journeys merged.



We walked hand & hand,

holding tightly with sweaty palms,

sweaty from passion

and

pleasure.



We stopped holding on,

sort of walking together,

but not…



Our diverting eyes didn’t

meet

for moments.



When our eyes met again,

paths diverged:

vision split;

dream becomes dreams,

fractured hope;

fears shared… not;

feelings hurt;

Evolution.



Should we hold hands again?

(Poem by Dr. Nwachi Tafari)

Does one plus one equal two or one?  The lovers that we choose to love may not always be with us.   Love is not a guarantee that relationships will last.  Good sex guarantees nothing, even if the sex is the toe-curling variety of sex, even if it is an orgasmic and cum-creating sex. 

Remaining together takes reflection; a willingness to accept, to anticipate, and to adjust to transformation; and a balancing of the mind, body and spirit in order to traverse the most unexpected, stimulating, and frightening transformations in each other.  Long-term relationships in the present become rarer because most humans simply are unwilling to commit to commitment.

Reflection

Two types of reflection are important to long-term love, individual reflection and couple’s reflection.  As I have written in a prior post, my individual reflections consist of “Checking My Nouns”.  I assess the people, places, things, and ideas in my life: 

·         Are the people in my life conducive to my commitment to my lover, to my family? 

·         When things are hard in my marriage, do my friends direct me to stray from my vows, or do they direct me to communicate with my mate?

·          Do I frequent places that tempt me away from my love? 

·         Do I leave instead of listen? 

·         Do the things I now possess (and for which I strive) promote my partnership’s wellbeing?

·         What ideas do I hold in my head?  Do I secretly compare my relationship to the relationships in movies and books?

·         Do I envy others’ relationships while neglecting my own?

·         Does the idea of being in another relationship seem more pleasurable than real life?

As I ask myself these and other questions, I honestly assess if I would want me as a lover.  Not the me of the past or the me of the future, I assess myself as I am in the present.  I look for areas of improvement, areas in need of improvement, and areas of excellence.  Then I visualize the father and husband I want to be and set daily, short-term, and long-term goals to accomplish my vision.  I follow up my vision with actions, the most important part.

            On the other hand, partners must reflect together as well.  Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D., author of Staying In Love For A Lifetime: Tips On Teamwork From Your Favorite Sports Teams, states that couples should mimic successful sports teams by doing the following:

·         Name your team

·         Create a purpose

·         Have meetings

·         Share leadership

·         Practice team work

·         Find occasional coaches (I may be available.)

            As couples reflect, they must be honest.  In other words, couples must truly answer the questions do we share leadership; what is our purpose? Without true honesty these questions or other crucial questions will never be truly addressed or answered.  In addition, a shared purpose will never be created.

Do not get me wrong, life does get in the way of meeting and reflecting.  Moreover, I do not promise for a moment that such actions assure a long-term relationship, yet as humans, the actions we take today create our tomorrows.   In other words, do not try to make time for individual and couple reflections.  Make time!  Remember the wise words Yoda shared with Luke in Star Wars: “Do.  Or do not do.  There is no try.”

Adjusting to Transformation

Watching a partner transform is too amazing for simple words to describe.   Things on your partner’s body that were solidly in place are now running for the boarder.  If your long-term relationship includes children, you must know that parenthood, work, and other people and things outside of the central relationship can drain all the coolness and passion from your being.  Sex and romance can turn from being free, passionate, and frequent to being a burden and another task in your life. 

Lives evolve.  Moreover, to stay solid in a shared life, partners must adjust to transformations.   Sages, the late Nick Ashford and wife Valerie Simpson, created the perfect plan to keep a long-term relationship healthy and to adjust to change in their song Solid.  When I read the lyrics, I clearly see the steps to surviving transformation in relationships.  If you and your partner are able to follow their advice you may be able to keep your relationship together even when the two of you start growing wild gray hairs in weird places.



You didn’t turn away
When the sky went gray
Somehow we managed
We had to stick together (Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.)

You didn’t bat an eye
When I made you cry
We knew down the line
We would make it better (Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.)

And for love’s sake, each mistake, ah, you forgave
And soon both of us learned to trust
Not run away, it was no time to play
We build it up and build it up and build it up

Now it’s solid

            Staying Solid is respecting commitment, having vision and faith, and keeping an eye on trust.

Respecting Commitment

You didn’t turn away when the sky went gray; somehow we managed.  We had to stick together.  If you expect to be partners for a lifetime, expect gray skies.  There is no “Happily-Everly-After” fairytales.  Life is not static; hence relationships and sex are not static.  Nothing guarantees happiness: not marriage, not a job, not having children, not finding a personal God.... However, you guarantee that you are your partner will not have a happy, lasting relationship if you do not respect commitment. 

Each individual must reflect on the Deal Breakers or broken commitments that will end the relationship for him or herself and communicate these deal breakers to his or her significant other.  Keeping commitments keeps couples strong through hard times; thus we must let partners know about our deal breakers.  Be honest:

·         Cheating?

·         Addiction?

·         Extended loss of income?

·         Change in appearance?

Deal breakers are not moral or logical, yet they are personal and true to the individual.  Moreover, deal breakers, like life, are not static.  They will evolve.  Once deal breakers are out in the open, the committed do no break “deals”; in addition, the committed stay when the skies are gray.  The committed “manage to stick together.”  How do couples manage to stick together?   In her article, How to Make Love Last a Lifetime, Marye Audet reconfirms commitment as a step in staying in love through transformation: “Most people believe that love is an emotion, and that is true, but emotions are largely created by our perceptions. One of the most important keys for long term love is to choose to love your spouse even when they are not being like-able.”  She also suggests couples do the following:

·         Say "I love you." Often

·         Make your spouse a priority. The kids will move away eventually.

·         Talk about shared memories

·         Have a time for just the two of you at least once a week.

·         Say, "I am sorry"

·         Say, "I forgive you"

·         Schedule sex if need be.

·         Say something nice every day.

·         Brag about your spouse to your friends, when your spouse can hear you.

·         Play

·         Focus on the positives

·         Compliment one another

In every relationship, there comes a time when the question is asked: “Should we hold hands again?”  The answer to this question really depends on how committed you two are to staying together.



Good Sex Does Not Equal Good Love Part II will be posted Friday, September 2nd, 2011.



Nwachi (Dr. T.) Tafari

Life and Sex Coach

336.662.7777



twitter: @drtsexcoach

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Poopy Coochies and Universal Themes: Cleaning my Vagina


While personal hygiene is important, hygiene is not the subject of this particular post.  (However, if you want anyone to appreciate your goodies, you will want to have clean genitalia.  Thus, be like Day Day in Next Friday: “…keep it clean, though.”)  Funny thing though, cleaning coochie has taught me a lot about life coaching.

In Life and Sex coaching, sympathy is not a useful emotion.  I am not sure if it is a useful emotion for my life in general.  Even though having sympathy for others sounds good, it is not enough for the practice of good coaching.  Having empathy for others is what makes the coaching process beautiful.  When humans employ empathy, they both teach and learn.  

In literature, the term Universal Theme transcends culture, gender, ethnicity, race….  Themes such as hate, love, fear, and anxiety are experienced by all human beings.  Likewise, when applied to the broad human condition, universal themes become a foundation for life and sex coaching in the form of empathy.  In other words, personally, I may not understand what it means to lose a sibling or what it feels like to “come out of the closet.” However, I do understand sadness, which may be present when losing a loved one, or fear, which may be associated with truly revealing self.  I do understand what it means to be human.  Hence, I do not feel sorry for my clients.  I tap into universal emotions and the human spirit during the coaching process.  I feel with my clients.

Cleaning Coochie

My mom always told me that I was hers, so anything that I owned was hers too.  If she grabbed my arm in jest and I protested, she’d open her eyes wide and would then hold my arm tighter: “This here is my arm.  You mine; the arm is mine.”  I could do nothing but laugh.  That must have stuck with me because that was how I felt about my daughter when she was born.  In a weird way, my empathy for women intensified within the first few hours after my daughter was born.  She passed Meconium, and I am honored that I was the first one to wipe her bottom.  However, before that moment, I am not sure I really realized I had a daughter.  Don’t get me wrong.  I saw her come out.  I knew she was a girl, but I was caught up in having my first child.  I was enthralled with my wife and my daughter.  I was making sure I was out of the way of the doctor and the nurses while trying to be in the mix.  Later, when everything settled and my wife and daughter were safe in their hospital room, my little pumpkin passed her first stool.  I was excited.  I love being a part of my children’s lives.

I plopped my little one down and opened her diaper, and there it was: a pooped-covered vagina.  By this point of my life, I was very familiar with vaginas.  I had seen them up close, smelled them, licked a few, greedily ate a few, fingered a few….  You probably get the point.  One the other hand, I had never seen one covered in poop, nor had I ever cleaned a coochie (without my tongue).  Lastly, I had never felt that I had a vagina, but she’s mine; the vagina is mine.  Our vagina was covered in poop and needed to be cleaned.

            If I really wanted my daughter to be clean, I would have to open and move stuff.  I would have to dig a little.  All I could think of while I was cleaning our vagina was “How do I keep this thing clean?”  Having daughters has truly given me the opportunity to see and experience another world.

Potty Training

I had argued about the correct placement of a toilet seat with female friends of mine prior to having daughters.  My friends would tell me that a toilet seat is supposed to be down after it is used. 

I lived in a house of women, run by women, and they never gave me that particular rule.  Thus, I never thought about it too much until I lived with a woman for the first time, and even then, I did not let the discussion touch me.  I never attempted to empathize with why this toilet “thing” was important to women.

            My empathy grew when my daughter, the same one with the poopy coochie, began potty training.  She is a smart girl, and she displayed her intelligence at a young age, skipped a grade in elementary school.  One day, during the potty training days, my daughter walked in on me while I was peeing and announced that she wanted to go to the bathroom standing up like her daddy. 

            Hey, I am a smart guy.  I earned one doctorate, and I am working on a second.  With all of my brains, I decided that I would go to the bathroom sitting until my pumpkin was totally potty trained.  Brilliance!  From that moment, I went to the bathroom sitting, whether I was taking a poop or peeing.  Sitting became a real habit.  I did it without thinking: it became such a habit that I would pee in the middle of the night without turning the light on.  I would just flop down on the toilet.  Peeing in the dark was not my usual modus operandi.  I generally needed light to take accurate aim.  Life continued in that manner until one night I sat down to pee…. 

Suddenly, I understood the toilet discussion; moreover, I gained a new understanding of what women might go through when living with a man who does not put himself in her shoes.  When my ass hit the toilet water, I thought to myself “who is the ass who left the sit up?”  Being the only man who lived there, I was that ass.  Learning empathy can be a pain in the ass… or a splash of toilet water.

Molestation

I believe I know a couple of molesters, and I know many who have been molested.  Those who know me also know that I have been coaching a long time before I decided to make a living as a life and sex coach.  As a professor of English and a division head, I talked to students about all things.  In addition, one of the most frequent subjects of discussion I had with students was centered on rape and molestation.  Never been raped or molested although I came close to being violated in my life.

            I did know an asshole in college that I once called friend who I believe attempted to rape a girl he met one night.  A couple of dudes I know, Eric and Bugs, whom I still consider friends, went to a party.  My boy Eric saw a young lady whom he knew from his hometown.  They talked and danced while Bugs danced with her friend.  They brought both ladies back to my apartment for me to meet.  Lovely ladies.  If I hadn’t had a girlfriend and wasn’t driving to New York to spend time in my hometown, I would have spent some time with them, for they were having a great time it seemed.

            My boy Eric called me the next day while I was in New York, and he told me that our mutual friend, the rapist, came over, saw the two ladies, ran back to his place, and brought liquor over.  After drinking for a period and after the ladies were good and drunk, our friend followed one of them into the bathroom and made her go down on him.  She came out of the bathroom crying and left.  Eric and Bugs had no idea what happened, but they knew it wasn’t cool.  When the police knocked on their door, they heard the entire story.

She attempted to press charges, but she had been drinking and couldn’t prove her accusations.  She had been so drunk that the details of the incident were fuzzy, except she knew that she had been assaulted.  When Eric and I finished talking, I fell, not to the floor, but deep into my mind.  All I could feel was pain and confusion and anger. 

I did not have sympathy for the young lady; I had empathy.  My testimony concerning what I knew made little difference.  I was not in the state when the rape took place.  Moreover, I didn’t have first-hand knowledge of the rape.  The police were not too interested in what I had to say.  From that day forward, the danger that many women face just by going on a date never left my mind.  The new knowledge changed me forever.

Star Trek     

Strangely enough, no definition of empathy resonates with my spirit like the Empath character on the original Star Trek resonates with me, for on the show, the Empath literally took on whatever pain, illness, or emotions that individuals held as long as she was in close proximity to them.  She felt what they felt.   

In my coaching practice, when I come across pain, love, hate, and other universal emotions, I am affected.  When I was a teenager, I hated my ability to feel with other folk.  I just wanted to feel sorry for folk and go about my business.  Now, I see that empathy is a great spiritual gift that the creator has given me.  Additionally, the gift is to be shared with my clients.  Self-acceptance of me has lead me to the career of a lifetime. 




Life and Sex Coach

336.662.7777



twitter: @drtsexcoach











Monday, August 22, 2011

Threesomes and Other Life Changing Events


Many of my clients, couples and individuals, come to me with hidden fantasies that they want to live out.  These fantasies run the gambit; however, swinging, having sex with someone of the same gender, having threesomes, participating in group sex, and/or having an open relationship are at the top of the lists for most folk.  I believe that humans should experiment sexually if they feel it in their souls.  The path of sexual evolution is a fantastic journey filled with spirituality, passion, danger, self-learning, self-loathing, and self-loving.  The path of sexual evolution has much to teach folk; however, this path also has the power to change our lives so quickly that our heads spin.  I warn my clients to explore themselves and their feelings before fulfilling fantasies, for sexual exploration can destroy a couple or an individual, literally and figuratively.  Exploring sexually has changed me in ways that made me grow into an empathetic sex coach and in ways that damaged the best parts of me. 

It may be hard for you to believe, but I was a believer in monogamy.  I grew up on the romantic ideal.  Prior to my first threesome, I was an old romantic, and I placed women above men, as if they had some greater-than-human capacity for goodness, loyalty, and faithfulness.    I think I must have read too much Maya Angelou or Zora Neale Hurston; watched too much Waiting to Exhale, Tyler Perry movies, and the Oxygen Channel; and listened to too much Anita Baker and Luther Vandross.  I was caught up in the goodness of women and the sanctity of love.  I dreamed of being the “dream man” for some beautiful woman, of being a knight in shining armor. 

            Sexual Exploration

I lived with and loved a beautiful woman.  I’ll call her Scorpio.  Like many of the woman I have dated and loved, she was highly sexual.  Contrarily, our relationship was long-term, so I also know that we had reached a point where we had fallen into routine.  I still thought she was beautiful though.  Her skin was a mixture of roses and chocolate, a swirling red- brown.  The kind of red-brown found in women from Ethiopia, Eretria, India, and some Middle Eastern countries although some good ‘ol African American women have this same color: my mom did; Scorpio did. 

Scorpio had explored some of her sexuality as a teen, but in her adult life, she concentrated on succeeding, graduate school, her family, and the needs of others.  I think she forgot to explore herself, her spirituality, her demons, and her joy.  In retrospect, I wish I could have been more helpful in her exploration.  However, I probably was too busy pursuing success too, working on my masters, and becoming an English professor.  In addition, I was diagnosed as bipolar or suffering from manic-depressive illness.  My mood and energy level always fluctuated drastically, but this was the first time that I had ever taken the time to find out more about who I am and with what I battled for as long as I can remember.  I turned inward and focused on my mental health for a period.  My turning inward left Scorpio alone in way….  I guess.   She also suffered from her inability to help me.

I really wanted to help her, but I cannot take the journey of self-reflection for anyone else: no one can.  Instead of inward reflection, she explored outward.  In other words, she found out more about herself by interacting with others, but I am sure that finding out more about herself was not her conscious goal.

After a particularly hard academic semester for Scorpio and me both, the death of a childhood friend lead her back home to Atlanta for a few weeks.  When she returned, she was different.  Maybe I had never taken as good of a look at her as I should have.  My alternating periods of depression and mania, the death of a friend, graduate school, and the pursuit of the fucking American dream (Did I say fucking out loud?) started Scorpio on a path that took my breath away and changed us both forever.

“Do you want an open relationship?” she asked me kinda of casually a few days after she returned home. 

“What?!”  I was shocked.  We had discussed going to sexy workshops and nude beaches to keep the spice in our relationship alive, but if my memory serves me correctly, she and I never discussed having an open relationship.  In addition, Scorpio had previously been jealous of any female friends that I had.  She always told me that I should show other women that I was NOT available.  By doing so, I would be showing her respect, but now, there she stood, asking me if I wanted an open relationship as if she were asking me about my day at work.

“Did you fuck somebody?  Is there someone you have in mind already?”  I was angry, and my pride was hurt.  My world at that moment actually turned upside down.  I had never been in an open relationship in my life.  I never wanted open relationship, threesomes, orgies, none of that.  I had always wanted a one-on-one, freaky as hell relationship.  On the other hand, I knew that coming to me with her desire took a lot.  Sharing her hidden desires meant to me that she loved and trusted me though I was in pain.  I also had enough experiences under my belt and enough human empathy to understand that desires are personal.  They are not to be ridiculed, laughed at, beaten down, or ignored.  Not every desire needs to be acted upon, but they should be accepted as part of us.  Lastly, I realized that I was being given a freedom that I had never had prior to that moment

The next year or so of our relationship, I found out many things about myself and Scorpio.  She found out many things about me.  Scorpio admitted that she had lied to me and that she had someone in mind with whom she wanted to have sex.  I shed some tears in front of her, and I shed many alone.  I was grateful for the truth though.  I am one who would rather be in pain with the truth than live a lie.

We explored an open relationship.  We took part in a couple (or more) threesomes and foursomes.  I saw her interact with other men and women.  I saw her have organisms that were reached without my help, but with the assistance of others.  I saw her sexual desire center on someone else other than me.  I saw her look at others in the same passionate way that had been my gift alone.

Gains and Loses

            I allowed myself to be changed by my relationship with Scorpio.  That is my own fault, yet I gained much more than I lost.  I lost my romantic view of the world and women.  I realized that they could be liars and disloyal.  I lost a belief in monogyny that I had had before.  Love songs and romantic comedies became bullshit; rather, I lost my enjoyment of them.  My definition of soul mate changed.  I lost the notion that my pee-pee was special.  I lost the notion that paying bills, being faithful, and being in love was enough to keep someone else happy.  I mourn for the man I lost.

            On the other hand, I gained more than I lost.  I regained the love of me.  I am special to me.  At no point ever again will I try to make someone else happy.  In addition, both men and women became human.  Men were no longer some one-dimensional, pussy hunger, unfaithful devils, and women were no longer angels.  They fell to earth and joined the rest of humanity.

            I gained sexual experiences that most humans never have.  I gained freedom and a respect for all humans.  Scorpio struggled and learned much about herself and her own spirit; as a result, I realized that sexual exploration is just another form of spiritual exploration.   Sexual exploration, like all of human exploration, is filled with highs and lows.  Many folk may get stuck on the path, just like many of us get stuck on the path of blindly following religion, mindlessly using drugs, or endlessly acquiring knowledge through books.  The path is not important, for the spirit is always with you.  There is nowhere to hide.  Scorpio gave me this gift.

            My Greatest Gift: Life and Sex Coaching

My greatest spiritual gift from my sexual exploration has been the profession of Life and Sex Coaching.  My experiences with Scorpio opened my eyes: I saw how fulfilling desires can be simultaneously beautiful and devastating. 

            I lived the jealousy, the uncertainty, the shame, the embarrassment, and the freedom of the sexual path.  I have felt the pull and the danger of remaining on the sexual path too long.  The journey gave me an abundance of love for my clients and a burning desire to assist them with their lives.  I have empathy for those humans whose sexual worlds have affected their entire beings, for those who find that they hide themselves.   I no longer have the luxury of being able to judge someone’s life as if my life is some nice fairytale.  My clients have the benefit of working with a human who simply loves other humans and wants to see them grow into the very best that that they can be.    In the sessions with my clients, I provide them with a servant who is blessed to serve them and an environment that is safe for them to reflect on all aspects of their lives in a holistic fashion.



For a free coaching session, make an appointment with me by e-mailing drtafari@triad.rr.com or nwachi@tafariconsulting.com.  A touch can change the world.

Your servant Dr. Nwachi Tafari

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Being P-Whupped Ain’t Reciprocity



One night, at a college pool party, I watched a bathing suit contest with much interest.  There was a male and female best-body contest.  I was asked to be in the male contest, but I refused.  I couldn’t then.  Today, I would grab my nut sling and baby oil, and while doing my best Saturday Night Fever strut, I would enjoy performing in the contest (age specific contests of course).

Alas, it was not meant to be.  I didn’t strut my stuff pre-midlife crisis. Hence, instead, I got an eye-full of some beautiful bodies.  I was particularly interested in the two finalists in the woman’s contest.  They both were fine in my eyes.  One young lady I knew.  She was a lifeguard and upperclassman.  She wore her hair natural in curls that turned into slicked-back, loose waves when they got wet.  The other young lady I did not know.  She was long-legged and wore her hair in a Halle Berry cut before Halle did.  Actually, her complexion and body shape were similar as well.  I didn’t watch the end of the contest.  It didn’t matter who won to me.  They were both winners if ya know what I am sayin…, but I digress.  Two days later, a good girl friend of mine told me that she know of someone who liked me.  I was interested:

            “Who?”

            “Kim,” she said.

            “I don’t know no Kim.”  Use of double negatives increases when I am excited.

            “Kim is the one who won the best-body contest.”  --My God the dead had arisen: I giggled like Oprah in the Color Purple.  I took Kim’s number, and I immediately went out, leaving kim’s number home.  I was playing it cool.  I returned home in the early morning hours.  There was a message on my answering machine (old Skool tech):

            “Call me no matter how late you get home.  Kim.”  I called her, and we talked for hours.  We talked about life, sex, dreams,… all that good stuff.  Kim asked me stuff like what hadn’t I done in bed.  I thought and replied: “Anal sex, threesome, and so on.  We talked about how we grew up.  We shared our experience of being raised by hardworking mothers, without the benefit of our fathers in the homes.  We also made a date for the next night.  I sent her flowers, and picked her up from work.  She looked great.  That was the first time I had seen her fully dressed.

            That night at the end of the date, she asked me to masturbate for her.  I did.  She acted like the act was the greatest thing since Hip Hop.  Cooool.  The subsequent day she asked me to drive her to work.  Kim’s friend drove her to my house.  She rushed to my room and shimmied down her pants and panties for good ol’ doggie style, a personal favorite.   As I assumed my position, she moved me to the naughty-girl hole, affectively giving me an experience I had never tried.  I was P Whupped (insert penis or pussy accordingly.  For some... both).  Our relationship was fiery: arguments, ex-drug-dealer boyfriends, lies, spiritual depletion, cheating…. 

Our relationship had no reciprocity: we had no mutual agreement or interdependence concerning needs, behaviors, communication level, exchange of favors, money….  We had sex, albeit good sex; however, in no shape or form was good sex enough to keep us together.  Good sex is not enough to sustain long-term relationships, particularly if the couples choose to live together and have children.




Good sex will keep us in a bad place too long, but it rarely sustains us.  In some fashion, long-term relationships have to be spiritually renewing, for in 10, 20, 30, 40 years too many good and not-so-good experiences will enter into your relationship.  Some of these experiences will be so surprising and life changing that human logic will not provide many answers concerning what to do next.

            August 5, 2011 I celebrated my 11th anniversary.  We’re still friends.  Moreover, my wife and I share some things from the Ten Tips for a Long-term Relationship (use above hyperlink).  We laugh.  My wife is a great, eager lover (snuck that in). There are no longer any ultimatums in our relationship.  We do our best at listening and talking.  Moreover, we work at forgiving each other and ourselves.  However, I believe the most important part of our relationship is Faith.




Sexually and otherwise, make sure faith is involved in all your relationships.  In my own marriage, as individuals, our bodies have changed, our ways of thinking have changed, our dreams have changed, our income has changed, our sexual needs have changed, our location and resources have changed.  I think, at this point, the only constants have been faith, respect, and friendship.  The respect and friendship are based in faith.  In other words, we have faith that our relationship is worthy and worthwhile; moreover, we have faith in each other as individuals that we Fall Down but We Get Up.  My wife believes that I am Saint who is a sinner who has fallen down.  I believe the same of her.  In other words, our prayers are centered on remembering that we are blessings to each other, not on changing each other.  The human notion that “Our relationship would be perfect if only he/she would____” lacks faith.  This notion shows no faith in our partners’ abilities to bring worthwhile experiences into the relationship.  In addition, it places us ourselves in the positions of perfection, as if our own improvements wouldn’t also improve the relationship.  Perfect is a destination that none of us will ever reach.

            Without faith in each other, relationships often end spiritually: depleted, hopeless, funless, withered, and sexless.  Every relationship can improve if two individuals have faith and put in the work towards a relationship that includes reciprocity.



Couples Coaching

I will never promise someone that coaching will always help repair love partnerships; however, reciprocity is always one of our goals in my practice.  All individuals reflect on their own needs and wants, eventually sharing them with their partners.  Together they are honest about creating actions to navigate their relationships towards a shared-vision that is centered on their shared needs and wants. 

Honesty is a big part of this communication process, as is faith.  For our partners to be truly honest with us, they have to have the faith that we will give them a safe place where they can discuss themselves.  Moreover, we have to have faith our partners’ honest communication is not designed to hurt us, but to illuminate us.  Difficultttttt.  I know honest dialog is not always easy to maintain, for our partners do hurt us, and we hurt them without intending to do so. 

Often, as a coach, I help partners create a safe place to be honest and actualize a shared vision.  The relationship is the client in the couples coaching format, neither individual is going to be found as right and wrong.  If physical abuse and/or addiction are part of the relationship, therapy as well as coaching may be necessary.  Couples coaching is a good way to reintroduce beautiful touches and joy back into our relationships.





For a free coaching session email Dr. Nwachi Tafari (Dr. T.) at nwachi@tafariconsulting.com or call 336.662.7777 to make an appointment. A touch can change the world.

Your servant Dr. Nwachi Tafari