From my personal experiences and experiences with various clients, I realize that sexual confusion is very common. There are many reasons for feeling confused or awkward about sexuality.
When I was in junior high school in Long Island, New York during the mid-80s, I can't say that I was the most confident person on the planet. At the time, I was crazy about a dark-skinned young lady. She was one of my best friends. Although I did want more, it was great to be friends with a beautiful and intelligent girl. She loved to laugh and accepted me as I was. In retrospect, I know that I am lucky to have had such a friend, for she comforted me during a moment of extreme confusion. However, at the time, I wanted affection and sexual contact; moreover, I think my serious, poetic, romantic attitude was intense in a time when having fun was more important.
I use walk to the weed spot in Roosevelt from my house in Uniondale, not because it was the only one I knew of, but because it was the best weed I had smoked at the time. I put on my favorite Addidas, the white strips on burgundy sued. They matched my nylon Addidas suit: burgundy bottoms and the light grey and burgundy jacket. On this particular night, I wore no shirt under the jacket, a burgundy dewrag, and few gold accessories. I was a million-bucks fresh like Slick Rick. I had taken the time to look good because my home girl’s house was on the way to the spot. I thought I would cop some weed and come back smoke some with Miss Beautiful Black.
I made it to the spot without incident walked to a deli on Nassau Road. I wanted rolling paper. When I entered the store, I noticed a fair-skinned African American gentlemen buying beer. I think I noticed him because I didn’t like his clothes. He looked like he didn’t care to me, hard to explain. He looked like he had put too little energy into thinking about what he his appearance (at least to my young mind). He clothes were ill fitting and ill matched. Short bristle covered his face. He bought his beer and went about his way. I bought my papers and went about mine. On the way to Miss Beautiful’s house, I rolled a joint, trying to get some confidence up I guess. I heard a voice say, “I give you a beer if you smoke a joint with me.” I turned to see the unkempt dude. I wondered for a moment if he were a cop. I took a good look: He was too fat to be a cop I concluded.
“Yeah. Okay.” I rolled another joint, lit it, and passed it to dude. He passed me a beer and started talking: “You going to college?”
“I guess,” I said. I looked at Mr. Scruffy and thought if I go to college and do not look any better than he did, then Hell to the Naw for college! I was about fifteen, and I was sure about much. I wasn’t sure about what I wanted to do after high school. I wasn’t sure about how to get a pretty girl look my way. I wasn’t sure if dealing drugs was the best way to make money. I was not sure what type of man I wanted to be.
“I got my way paid for.” Scruffy continued, “A white lawyer paid my way through school. I used to suck his dick, and he would pay my way through college.” I passed the joint and looked at him good again. He was a couple heads taller than I, and he outweighed me by plenty. I felt afraid and vulnerable.
“Do you want to make some money? I will pay you if you let me suck my dick,” Mr. Scruffy continued. I guess I am a greedy ass because I immediately thought to myself: How much? As soon as those thoughts entered my head, I felt guilty and confused and even more scared. I had never thought about being with a man. Why hadn’t I immediately run? Why had I thought about money? For some reason, I thought to treat the situation as if my world wasn’t spinning. I simply said no. I keep smoking and drinking as we walked. I do not remember listening to anything else. I had already escaped to inside of my own head.
“This is my block. Do you want to come with me and watch some movies?” I snapped back to consciousness with his question. A simple “no” was my answer again. He turned down his block. I walked, threw the beer, and let tears roll down my eyes. When I reached my friend’s house, I cried some more and told her what happened. I cried and she listened. I do not think it was snot-bubble crying, but I think it was at least ugly-face crying. Miss Beautiful was the best friend for whom I could have asked. On the other hand, I felt very ashamed talking to her.
Tears flowed as I walked home. I wondered if this man had seen anything in me for to approach me. Did I feel awkward towards women because I suppose to be with men? I wasn’t attracted to men: confused. Confusion about one’s own sexuality can come from many sources:
· New and unexpected sexual desires and feelings,
· Exposure to new experiences and people, and
· Growing knowledge of one’s own sexual orientation.
I am not going to attempt to list all the reasons one might feel sexual confusion. However, if your feelings ever become so intense that you feel like hurting yourself or another seek the help of a professional therapist or counselor. A life or sexual coach like myself can help you understand your present and plan a future that brings sexual confidence, pleasure, and fulfillment. Sexual Confusion is common. All humans have moments of being unsure. The key is to continue to love self; then confusion becomes adventure.