Sunday, July 31, 2011

Beforeplay

The first time I stared into the face of a wet coochie, we sat together looking at each other, she with moist anticipation and I with dry-mouthed terror.  We had a staring contest (I lost.).  I kinda stabbed at her with my tongue a little bit, making sure she wouldn’t attack me.  I didn’t know what to do.  I hadn’t got the manual.  Moreover, smelling her sweet musk was like watching the Twin Towers fall: I was living a moment I would never forget for the rest of my life. 


Now the young lady who owned this fine coochie, Staci, gave me my first sexual experience that included more than one person.  Staci was an older girl, I guess seventeen or eighteen.  I may have been fifteen or sixteen.  I suppose the age didn’t really matter.  What did matter was that I was scared to death.  Not only was that my penis’ first public appearance outside of a boy’s bathroom or peeing in an alley, but also I was totally surprised.  Staci just met me and wanted me.  She was experienced and not afraid to show it.  I had never met a young lady like her prior to that moment.  She even shared that she had had a threesome with two men.  I was amazed, and until then, I had never been that afraid outside of a fistfight that I knew I was bound to lose.  In many ways, I wanted to run and say no, but I thought to myself running away from sure sex is not what men do.  Hence there I lay there, staring down a vagina, caught in Beforeplay, that magical, scary moment before one performs oral sex on another for the first time.  I have never stared down the barrel of a penis; however, I must assume that Beforeplay exist there too. Beforeplay sucked for me.  Hell, I am sure that I was a horrible lay.  Pee-pee no worky when scared. 

In my coaching practice, I have found that fear dictates much of our lives.  In other words, our best selves often never emerge, for fear stops us from being uniquely ourselves.  Our sexual lives are no different than the rest of our lives.  Fear is a dream killa of intimacy and sexual fun.  In addition, if we want to get over our sexual fears, we have to take responsibility for them. 

The author of The Art of Sex Coaching Dr. Patti Britton states that fears such as poor sexual performance and body image affect women and men; singles and couples; homosexuals, heterosexuals, bisexuals, transgendered, and queer folk; and folk of all racial and ethnic backgrounds.  Fear of poor performance and body image can destroy sexual pleasure and end relationships.  Two of my best clients come into mind when I think about how fear affects sexual enjoyment and complicates relationships: Melissa and Timothy.

Melissa

Mellissa is a beautiful Latino woman in her early forties.  When I first saw this woman, I thought that she was one of the most confident women I had ever met.  She was stylish, a successful entrepreneur, and maintained a beautiful figure.  Mellissa came to me because she was withholding sex from her husband.  Mellissa and her husband were married for seven years, and their sex life was not satisfying to either one of them.  As a matter of fact, they hardly made love at all for the last three years.   Melissa knew if something did not change, they would not be together much longer.  Melissa loved her husband.   

I give all of my clients intake forms that provide me with a little history, whether they want life or sex coaching.   From her responses and from further discussion, I found that Mellissa had lost her confidence in the bedroom with her husband.  Three years prior to coming to my office, Melissa’s husband complained about how she performed oral sex while receiving oral sex.  He did not put his comments in the terms, “I like it when you _______,” so he could direct her to what he liked.  Instead, he told Melissa what she was doing wrong.  From that moment on, sex became mechanical for Melissa.  It became less enjoyable for her, so she avoided sex. 

Fear of poor performance changed what Melissa thought of herself.   At one time, Melissa was very proud about how she performed oral sex.  She never had complaints before her husband.  As a matter of fact, she had gotten rave reviews in the past.  We both laughed when she shared that fact with me.  I asked if her husband would join us for couple’s coaching.  Melissa said that he would not.  We focused on her.  The process of coaching, unlike therapy, focuses on the client’s wishes, the present day, and the future.  Reviewing the past can be very important in moving forward at times.  On the other hand, acknowledging, accepting, and letting go of the past can sometimes be the most powerful action anyone can take on his or her own behalf.

I asked Melissa, “What do you want to feel like when you’re with your husband sexually?”  I asked her that particular question for two reasons: First, I wanted to focus Melissa on what she could control, how she felt.  B….  Just kidding.  Second, the question gives Melissa permission to dream about her ideal future.  Dreaming about our ideals is important because from ideals, we have the ability to create personal visions, goals, and action plans towards the lives we seek. 

Melissa was a great client because she did the work necessary for her to change her life into what she wanted.  In response to my question, Melissa stared into space.  I stayed quite.  Five to ten minutes may have passed when Melissa began to speak.

 “I want to come into our bedroom and know that I please him, and of course, I want to be pleased as well.  I love feeling confident in bed.  I want to grab his thing and show him who the boss is.”  Melissa laughed with enjoyment and embarrassment.  We both laughed.  I asked Melissa was there anything that she could do to make her vision come true.  She thought for a moment and nodded yes.

“Would it help you to write down your thoughts?”  I asked.

“Yes it would.”  She was leaning forward in her chair.   I hoped eager to begin as I handed her a pad and pen.  She scribbled quickly and, when done, looked up with wide eyes.

“Do you want to share?”

“I do.”  Melissa cleared her throat and shared the following:

·         I can practice and imagine how I want to act in bed with my husband.

·         I can ask him what he likes, so I know.

·         I can look for resources about performing oral sex.

·         I can talk to my close friends.

·         I can teach him what I like.

Melissa and I spent the next 30 to 40 minutes going over each possible choice.  We weighed the pros and the cons of each.  At the end of the exercise, I asked to which choice(s) would she be willing to commit.  Melissa wasn’t sure how her husband would respond, but she really wanted them to talk and to teach each other about what they both liked sexually.    This was risky because Melissa’s husband did not have to respond in manner that she liked.

            I encouraged and congratulated her on the work she did during our session.  Our next meeting, two weeks later, was lively and hopeful.  Melissa talked to her husband, and he responded positively.  Melissa stated he wanted to learn more about her and what she enjoyed; he also wanted to share what he enjoyed with her.  They had not started their exploration yet.  However, they were going to get away the coming weekend, just the two of them.  They would begin their exploration in earnest then.  She knew she was a good learner, and she really was eager to teach him some things.  The most important feeling that arose in Melissa was that she started to feel intimate and safe again. 

Timothy

Timothy is white male in his late thirties and openly gay.  Timothy and his partner had been together for 10 years and lived together for eight.  They were very much in love; however, for the last year so, their sex life had dropped dramatically….



Part II of Beforeplay will appear on Friday, August 5th, 2011.

For a free coaching session, in person or at a distance, email Dr. T. at nwachi@tafariconsulting.com or call 336.662.7777.  Your servant Dr. Nwachi Tafari

2 comments:

Empress said...

I enjoyed this post. How did things work out with Melissa and her husband?

Dr. T. said...

Melissa and her husband are still working on teaching each other how love each other. They are teaching each other about things that have very little to do with sex also. They are in a good place right at this moment; actually, I suspect that our coaching time will end very soon because of their good work.