Friday, April 10, 2015

The Balance between Self-Love and Loving our Lovers

I love to talk and reflect. I had always hoped that by talking and reflecting that I would find the “perfect” balance in my own consensual non-monogamous life and the lives of my clients. However, consensual non-monogamy has taught me regardless of the amount of talking, some lessons can only be learned through experience. Moreover, perfect balance is, generally, a temporary state.
I and many of my clients had to have experiences before we could learn many of the essentials and personal truths of non-monogamy before we could feel “successful” living consensual non-monogamous lives. Embodied knowledge is some of the most powerful knowledge we have, so often we have to have our own experiences before we can empathize with and understand others. While having personal experience may cause frictions and imbalance among lovers, it also presents a certain type of truth. Until we feel the joy and the pain of our consensual non-monogamous life, it is just a fantasy life. It is a life unexamined.
Having more than one love or having the freedom to have sex with others or making friends with benefits all sounds good until we feel the range of consensual non-monogamy in our own flesh, rattling our own feelings. Until those moments come our way, often, no one can warn us or provide us with advice. However, that is how it should be. I say this because our personal truths our just that, our personal truths. Our personal experiences do not always translate into the lives of our lovers. What maked us hurt or laugh or made past lovers hurt and laugh may not have anything to do with our present lovers’ sense of being in their consensual non-monogamy lives.
There is the rub. We try to express and share our knowledge, so our lovers do not make some of the errors we have made, because we love them. On the other hand, our words, often, also stifle our lovers’ freedoms. Our predictions are not the only future possible. Personally, I have also had difficult time saying, “Don’t do this, or don’t do that,” because I was always conscious of the fact that my personal feelings are always mixed into my thoughts. Am being selfish now, or am I seeing the experience more clearly than my lovers? Who knows? Who cares? Does it matter?
I think it does matter. Finding the balance between sharing concerns and allowing our consensual non-monogamous lives to just flow, finding their own heights, may be essential in growing compersion. We certainly do not want our fears to go undressed, denied, and unrecognized; conversely, we do want to give our lovers the freedom to find themselves in their own consensual non-monogamous lives. Most of us aspire to see our lovers happy and satisfied. Growing conpersion may just be growing conscious of the ever-evolving balance between self-love and loving our lovers. Sounds simple, but I suppose… I just wish it were easier for all of us to pull off.

Enjoy you consensual non-monogamous life.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Consensual Non-monogamous Journey: A Heroine's/Hero's Tale

            The first time I stepped into a lifestyle club, I watched a woman who reminded me of an older school teacher walk around giving out blowjobs. That was my introduction to consensual non-monogamy. At the time, I could never imagine a lover of mine doing that. I would not want that to be a part of my relationship. Now, hmmmmm, if I watched my lover giving blowjob after blowjob, I would feel pangs of jealousy, but man, I would be turned-on. She would be getting a spanking because she was so naughty….
            I evolved to such a point. I am still evolving, so are my clients who live consensual non-monogamous lives. They evolve out of consensual non-monogamous lives and/or they move further into the lifestyle, ending up where they never intended. To help me understand my clients and myself better, to not be ashamed of what I had become or angry at lovers for what they had become, I began to visualize a consensual non-monogamous life as a heroine’s or hero’s journey. In every heroic journey, the hero or heroine takes a journey, and the journey must include a time in a hellish darkness. In the darkness, the hero or heroine learns many things about self and humanity. The hero or heroine is changed but continues the journey.
            Therefore, in every consensual non-monogamous relationship, I see I expect the lovers to face darkness together if they had not already. The heroine or hero is a heroine because she learns from her battles in hell. She can continue only because she has changed. Humanity has not changed in her journey. Conversely, she sees it differently because of new knowledge. She can continue. The same is true for consensual non-monogamous lovers. If they expect to live consensual non-monogamous lives, they have to learn and change in the darkness at times. Often times, our instinct tells us that we should not change. However, living requires change as does consensual non-monogamy. Experience and time brings change, whether requested or not. Too, our consensual non-monogamous lives require us to change. We, of course, should not change just for others’ whims or just for the sake of change, but as the lives of our lovers and our own lives change, new actions and reflections are necessary.

            When you began your consensual non-monogamous life, you may not have wanted to see your lover perform multiple blowjobs on various men; on the other hand, if you learn and change as you journey through hell, when you come out on the other side, you may require that she perform multiple blow jobs in front of you. Now I am horny. Enjoy your consensual non-monogamous life.